Sunday, December 31, 2006

Friday, December 29, 2006

Watching him drive away this morning was clearly the second hardest thing I've ever done.

Holding my little girls and trying to comfort them while they cried when he was gone was the first.  

I have so much going through my head, but I can't write about it.  I can't let myself wallow in it.  I have to get through this.  I will get through this.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


You're lucky i'm a bigger person than that. Please don't let it happen again.


in the middle of the might just to slap YOU in the face and tell you what i really think.


I consider it a slap in the face, and quite honestly it makes me want to get in the car and drive hundreds of miles


When you make the phone ring in my home at midnight on the night before i start a new job


Just a general notice to all those whose pictures appear next to the words "homewrecking bitch" in the dictionary...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Because there are no fresh cranberries in the entire city of eugene. . .

I can't have it myself so i give you my favorite cranberry recipe... Cook 1 bag of berries in a small pot with a couple tbspns water just until they start to soften. Stir together in large bowl softened berries, 1 can crushed pineapple, 1 can mandarin oranges, and 1 bag marshmallows. Refrigerate overnight and stir in a small container of sour cream and a small tub of coolwhip (or the equivalent in fresh whipped cream, yum) and enjoy. Please! I wish i were! :)

Christmas eve...

I miss my daddy. Hope you're all having a great day! My munchkins are chattering with excitement!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


And that is all I have to say.

I find myself sad today

What's new, I know. Really though? Today is a different sad. It's a worse sad. I know that I am going to be ok now. I'm going to make this new life work somehow, and I am going to find a way to be happy. This whole thing is just such a stupid fucking shame though. It all feels so completely empty, and it just really doesn't make any kind of sense. The last year has been THE best year of our relationship. It's been better by far than any of the previous 9 were. We stopped fighting. We started communicating. We learned how to live with one another, how to work with each others psychoses. We've had fun, damn it! It's been so long since I could really honestly say that about us, and now it's gone. Sure, there was some work to be done in the way of making sure that spark stayed alive, but that's to be expected in a 10 year old relationship, and really? I looked forward to it. Now, to top it all off, I find myself accepting the best job I have ever had - the best job either of us has ever had. Do you know how much that means? We could have gotten out of debt and back on top of things. School could have been an option again - for both of us. He could have quit his job and really given his all to this business he's been half-assedly nursing along for years and really made something of it, for God's sake. We could really and truly have had the life we have always dreamed of, the life we've planned for our entire adult lives.

Instead, she walked into his life, and she fucked up his head. He's walking away. He is choosing to leave his children, to scar them, to break my heart into a million pieces, to force both of us to struggle, to leave his dreams and his business behind, all to be with a woman he barely knows, a woman that already treats him like shit, a woman that wasn't worth hanging on to 11 years ago when they were stupid teenagers but who now somehow is worth destroying so many lives for, including his own.

There's this huge lump in my throat that just won't go away.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hey! Guess what!?!?!?!!!


I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*doing a little happy dance in my heart*
(see this post and this post :) )

Monday, December 18, 2006

I'm sorry.

So I trashed my post below about childhood stereotypes. The explanation I gave of where they came from makes NO DIFFERENCE. The whole post offended me, and I wrote the damned thing. I am ashamed that it sat here on my blog for the time that it did, and it's not even honestly and truly how I feel. I've gotta be better than that about running my mouth. It's true that when I was younger, there was no way in hell I would date military personnell. Part of that was a certain "image" perpetuated in this town of the kind of girl who did date those guys, and part of that was the fact that my dad drilled in to my head as a child (damn he's tricky) that there was something shameful about it. As a child he teased me that I was going to grow up to flip burgers and marry a fat sailor. No, this wasn't cruelty on his part. He really wasn't trying to say anything mean, but rather trying to instill in my brain that I should do anything but that because that's what his own internal stereotypes led him to believe. We had many many conversations about his real dreams for me which included a lot of education, an amazing career, and a beautiful family, in that order. He grew up in this navy town too, and he wanted to protect his little girl. You know what though? When it comes down to it, those behaviors he tried so hard to scare me away from really aren't all that bad.

And you know what else? It just doesn't matter. Everyone has to find the path in life that is right for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with flipping burgers if it gets you where you want to be in life. I've avoided fast food jobs like the plague my entire life, but I know people who work in fast food management that make some pretty decent money and have pretty awesome lives. I know others that worked in fast food to support their families while they paid their way through school to get to their dream jobs so that they could live happily ever after, and now they really are living happily ever after. You know how awesome that is? I also know young people that are barely getting by, just starting out, who's fast food jobs are the difference between making it and not. It's all about the journey. Above all I know people who work in fast food that have amazing hearts, and amazing personalities. I wish I were so lucky as to have their lives some days.

As for Navy guys, or really any military personnell, I just flat out need to apologize. I am sorry. I hope nobody read what I said, because I really didn't mean it in the way that it sounded, and I should be smacked for the way it sounded. I'm sorry Gloria. Please ignore me. I'm an idiot sometimes. I know you read it because you were still sweet enough to comment, even though the post was complete bile. :( Blech. My aim wasn't to say anything bad about folks in the military. My aim was to feel my way through my feelings about the life that has suddenly been thrust on me. I am suddenly a single adult, and that's not something I've ever been before. I've gotta figure out where my head is on that, where my heart is. That said, I have absolutely NOTHING BUT RESPECT for the people who give so much of their lives so that we can have the lives we do here in this country. I can only walk down the street because someone fought for my right to do so. I respect that. I can only drive my car because someone fought for my right to live in this society where things like cars come so easily. I respect that. I can only take my sweet children to school every day because someone fought to maintain the government that provides the funding for those schools, that recognizes the value of education for young people. I respect that. I can only run my stupid mouth in this blog because someone fought for the freedom I take for granted. I respect that. I don't know where my head was at the other night, but honestly, folks who go the military route are, to me, a cut above the rest. A BIG cut. If I implied anything to the contrary of that I apologize.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

150 Questions

I am officially boring:

The Bold Ones Are The Ones I Have Done.

01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art form
10. Done a striptease (does it count in the privacy of my own home?)
11. Bungee jumped (there was a time when I really wanted to do this. What the hell was I thinking?? Glad I never got around to it.)
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg (no iceberg, but lots of glaciers. Does that count?)
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Rode on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Rode a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced (I love you B! :) )
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (money doesn't determine my ability to be satisfied!!!)
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip (or a gazillion)
59. Rock climbing (this is on my to-do list!)
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read (I *heart* Steinbeck!!!)
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (Damn. Never thought about it that way before. I'm good at this. I'm thinking it's probably not a good thing to be good at. I pray to God that's not the case this time. 10 years is a really long time.)
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (welcome to my daily life, circa 1995)
67. Benchpressed your own weight (Hah! Funny! :) )
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke (7th grade field trip to Wild Waves - and probably never again. Yes, I am lame)
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye (can we say cheese? Yuck.)
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. My own stupid fault though I suppose.)
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman (but I would so do this! Hee hee)
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married (Blah. 10 years, 2 kids, lifelong committment, dumb hippy "we don't need no piece of paper attitude, and look where I am now. Lol)
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made you dizzy (Wow. Those were the days. The things you forget about)
95. Gotten divorced (ok so maybe that whole "we don't need no stinkin piece of paper" thing does have it's benefits after all...)
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River (also on my to-do list, but I have been through it in other kinds of boats if that counts for anything. Hell's Canyon is beeeee-a-uuuteeeeeful!)
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger (oh, how sad)
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage (when I was young and not so self-conscious)
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music (nothing fun though)
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand (my one and only one night stand turned in to a 10 year relationship. Go figure. I just don't have it in me to be like that.)
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions (I've never *gotten* anyone fired, but I fired someone myself once for being an idiot. NOT a good feeling.)
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone (my living room?)
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children (raising, close enough)
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy (I so love that my girls love My Little Ponies, Carebears, and all those other things little girl me loved.)
128. Eaten kangaroo meat (uh, no.)
129. Been a sperm or egg donor (seriously considered this once, but just couldn't stand the idea of having children wandering the earth whose lives I wasn't a part of. No way, no how.)
130. Eaten sushi (yuck)
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
(my copy didn't have a 137, maybe I'll have to google it) (but I'll pretend I've done whatever it is, because it makes me feel special)
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (again, on my to-do list)
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train

Saturday, December 16, 2006

My ego has officially been boosted, and it feels pretty darned nice even if it is just random silliness. Randomness from last night includes...

"He is leaving you?? Him? That guy? Leaving you? Is he f$%^*ing STUPID?"

[CHOP. Period. Rest of post permanently and completely removed. See the post above please.]

Friday, December 15, 2006

I am now boycotting fortune cookies, as it seems they are evil and mean.

And yes, that is a ring on my finger still. I haven't tried to take it off in at least 8 years, and surprise! It's stuck. Thankyou God for continuing to build my character. :)

We faired the storm quite nicely. The power is out in pretty much our whole county, but the lights and heat are on here in my happy house on the hill for some reason. See! Good things do happen sometimes after all!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Oh my!

Wish us luck! Our county has declared a state of emergency apparently. They are talking 65mph winds, huge amounts of rain, and massive power outages. We're ok so far, but the wind does sound pretty scary outside. Fun, fun!

Because it was time for a change...

I've mixed up my blog template again. Thanks go to Magnette on Blogskins for the lovely artwork. I'm not sure if I like the white background, but we'll see. I guess if I don't that'll be a good excuse to change things up again, right?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Kissing the Lipless

I'm also really loving this song by The Shins today...

Called to see
If your back
was still aligned
And your sheets
were growing grass
All on the corners of your bed

But you've got too much to wear
On your sleeves
and it has too much to do with me
And secretly
I want to bury in the yard
The grey remains of a friendship scarred

You told us of your new life there
you got someone coming 'round
Gluing tinsel to your crown
He's got you talkin' pretty loud

you berate remember
Your ailing heart and your criminal eyes
You say you're still in love
If it's true, what can be done?
It's hard to leave all these moments behind

Called to see
If your back
was still aligned
And your sheets
were growing grass
All on the corners of your bed

But you've got too much to wear
On your sleeves
And it has too much to do with me
And secretly
I want to bury in the yard
The gray remains of a friendship scarred

You tested your metal
On doe skin and petals
While kissing the lipless
Who bleed all the sweetness away

song lyrics I'm loving today - bad grammar and ALL

as sung by Gary Allan...

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I just have to say that it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and my big interview went swimmingly. I am so excited!! I'm really trying not to be until I have that offer letter in my hand, but knowing it's coming, having been given that assurance, is really just peachy. It feels good to start picking up all of these pieces and putting my life back together. Heeeee hee heee hee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
You know, I could have sworn I made a decision a while back to step off the roller coaster. I wasn't going to do this to myself anymore, wasn't going to let my emotions get the best of me like this. So why is it that all it takes are just a couple words from him, meant jokingly even, for me to come completely unglued? He tried to tease me, tried to give me a lighthearted jab, and it sent me right back to square one, right back to that first day when he told me he was leaving, when he told me about her. I can't be this person, I can't come undone like this any more. I have this desperate need for answers. I have a desperate need to understand, but I need to accept that I am just never going to. He doesn't have answers, and even if he did I wouldn't understand or accept them. I need to keep myself together and try to heal, try to work through this and make something better of it. Life is ironic, that's for sure. Moments before all this I was championing the plight of cheating bastard fathers everywhere. Really. Literally. Well sort of anyway.

Maybe I am just on edge all around. Somebody said something to me today that has bothered me all day long. I think it was meant genuinely as a compliment, as comfort, and it came from someone I really respect and someone I am learning to care for, learning to relate to as a friend, but still it has nagged at me. I'm told that I am definitely "pretty enough to be happy." Setting aside the fact that I really do believe that everyone is beautiful and special, and that happiness should never hinge on how you look, what does that mean? I'm not beautiful, but I'm pretty enough to get by, pretty enough to be happy somehow? I may not be good enough for Dan, may not meet that kind of standards, but I'm pretty enough that someone somewhere will find my face bearable enough to put up with me? I frustrate myself so much. Why does my brain work this way? Deep down I know I'm better off without Dan, and I shouldn't be hurt by the fact that he yearns for something unsavory from his unsavory past. I should be thankful for the easy out, the opportunity to do something better with my life. I respect the person who paid me this compliment today, and I know it was meant in the best of lights, meant as a real compliment. He really is a sweetheart. So why do I beat myself up like this? Where did my confidence, my self respect, my dignity go? I've got to find the light at the end of this tunnel, and I've got to find a way to get there soon.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Ooooooh, I'm lovin me some Glo-girl this morning

You have to read this post, every single one of you. I'm not an overly religious person either, but those are some wise words, wise, wise words. I've got to keep perspective. Thankyou Gloria!

Road trip!

So here's that road trip slideshow I was going make before I got distracted last night. These are from my cell phone, so they aren't the greatest but I'll have more and better to share once I get around to developing film.

[I've removed the slideshows. I'm sorry. These things were irritating the living crap out of me. Maybe I'll add them back later when these posts have moved off of the front page of my blog, but meanwhile they're gone.]

I officially decree that there will be no more morning.

I really hate morning a lot. I really hate that I'm still blogging about this crap too. I'm sorry. When I sleep I forget. Everything is OK, and my life hasn't come apart at the seams. I woke up this morning, so sure in my silly sleepy little brain that he was there next to me and my family was together and happy, and all that was there was an empty pillow, cold empty space. It hits me all over again in the mornings, and it hurts so much. I don't want to wake up alone every morning. I don't want to go through life without him. I don't want to go through the motions alone, take care of our kids alone, take them off to school, go off to work, pick them up at night because he isn't there to do it anymore, come home to this empty house without him. It's just not right. We made a commitment to forever, damn it! He's supposed to be there forever! So why am I so alone now?

Sunday, December 10, 2006


So I logged in to my account tonight with the intention of making a slide show of my recent trip. It was strangely like getting smacked in the face. I had completely forgotten that I'd made a slide show of Dan over the summer. He had asked me to take a couple pictures of him so he would have something recent to share when he had first started talking to her. I love taking pictures of him (or anyone, for that matter!) so I was happy to oblige, and maybe got just a *little* carried away. Did I mention I loved taking pictures of him? He's pretty self conscious about how he looks in them, but I love every single one, even now. I was taking pictures so his *friend* could see him. I haven't seen any of these since right around that time, and they bring back so many memories of moments together, laughing and having fun. We really have had some great times over the last 10 years, and I need to force myself to remember that. I need to not let what I am going through now tinge my memories of what we did have together over those years, because those times are worth remembering and cherishing. I am moving closer every day to looking forward to starting a new life, but I want to always remember and treasure my time with him. I can't let today devalue the last 10 years of my life, because they really have been a good 10 years. Yes, the captions are from then, not now. Hee hee.

[I've removed the slideshows. I'm sorry. These things were irritating the living crap out of me. Maybe I'll add them back later when these posts have moved off of the front page of my blog, but meanwhile they're gone.]

I am weak.

Honestly, I think sometimes I choose not to see red flags because I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe the version of reality that is easier to accept. I try so hard to trust people and to give them the benefit of the doubt because that feels like the right thing to do. Really maybe I'm just a chicken and I don't want to provoke anything. Whatever. I have to believe in the good in people above all else.

It's hard to believe that 6 months ago I was sitting beside him in her living room, on her couch. I was meeting her children, letting mine play with them. I was supportive and encouraging of their friendship because I wanted him to be happy, because I didn't want to control him. I knew she was important to him, a special piece of his past, and I respected that. I had to have red flags waving in my face then, but I chose to ignore them. It felt so wrong, and I wanted so badly to tell him that no, it wasn't ok with me, and no, he couldn't see her and talk to her, but I didn't want to be that person. I convinced myself that I had to be a bigger person than that. I still don't want to be that person. I don't want to control anyone. I don't want to suffocate anyone. If he doesn't love me because he can, because he chooses to, because he can't help it, I don't WANT his love. It hurts, and I'm sad and empty, and I miss his love, and I miss the life we've built together, but I deserve so much better than this.

Oh God. I have to wonder, thinking about sitting there, talking to her, the smile on her face then, if he had already told her he would leave me for her. I know he first said it somewhere in that general period of time. I have to wonder if the smiles glued to their faces were at my expense. Even now after all of this I don't want to believe that of her or of him, but I have to wonder. You know what's funny? I really liked her when I met her. She reminded me uncannily of one of my closest friends from highschool, a friend that I love and miss even now. Ha! What's even more funny is that that friend has since married a man that I was once engaged to. Dan was my rebound relationship after him. They are a great couple and I am immensely happy for them, but the whole thing is odd anyway. Why do I feel so much like a doormat? Why is it that being nice, and treating people kindly, and wanting nothing more for those I love than freedom of heart and soul and mind means I'm the one whose heart is so abused? Is it better after all to be a bitch, to be controlling and rude? I can't be that person, but I refuse to feel walked upon. Weakness is really not an appealing quality in one's self. What does that even mean?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Snickers bars, continued.

(Stinkin cell phone browser will only let me type so much before i have to start a new post) It's 'funny' because the only time in the last 10 years that i ever felt a need to question his faithfulness was with a clerk at the convenience store near our house 6 or 7 years ago. Her name was leah and something inside me threw up a red flag about her. There was never anything specific that made me believe there was anything more than friendship between them but i just had this feeling that things weren't right. He denied it all of course, so i let it go and didn't push it, but i know now that i carried that hurt in my heart anyway. Now recently, (last week?) with our relationship in tatters and no reason left to hide anything between us, he has admitted that there were feelings there after all and that he did consider cheating with her. Nice dream i had last night. Shut up heart.

Snickers bars, 2 for $1

My stomach is in knots all over again. When will my head stop beating my heart up? I just woke up from a dream so vivid that i'm having trouble getting hold of my emotions and distinguishing reality from fiction in my heart. I'm heartbroken all over again and he hasn't even done anything this time. I dreamt that we worked things out and were giving it another chance. Things were going well until he started cheating with the girl at a convenience store we went to. We went through this whole thing again, and he expected me to be sweet and kind and rational about it and i was and it killed me. I feel sick. Why do i always have to do the right thing? What is it in me that compels me to be so god-damned sensible? Why cant i be one of those girls that throws his clothes on the curb and slashes his tires and makes him pay for hurting me? No, that's not really how i want to be, but that release of emotion certainly holds some appeal. You know, this whole convenience store clerk thing
is kind of funny anyway. (tbc)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

And now that that is out of my system...

(I hope)(It sure as heck better be)(EWWWWWWWWWWW)

I'm in Grapevine, Texas. We made it here finally around 7 am yesterday. We didn't end up with time to spare to see the sights along the way, and I was really dissappointed about it at the time. There was no drive along the California Coast, no visit to the Saturn Cafe,(Thanks Neal, by the way! You are awesome! I will make it there eventually! :) ) and no Grand Canyon, even though I was only 60 miles away from it and have never been! Urgh. With our late start on Friday (late is a serious understatement - we finally left town around 11pm after many long and tearful goodbyes :) ), the weather, and B's desire to hurry up and get to her new home and her husband, our adventurous plans had no chance. We did manage to wander Hollywood for a couple hours, and we did get to see Arizona and New Mexico with snow on the ground. We also spent a couple hours in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, sight-seeing in the middle of the night. The London Bridge was beautiful with Christmas lights. I have soooo many pictures to share when I get home. I will take another trip down here in a couple months with the kiddos, and I will take my time and go the scenic route. I'd love to drive down the Oregon and California coastlines and then hop National parks and scenery across to Texas. On the way home we would have to go up through Colorado and Montana so we could hang out in the Rockies for a while too. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to see and experience more along the way here, but really? I kind of wish we could have been here sooner too. The Dallas area has completely surprised me. Texas has never held any great appeal for me, to be quite honest. It's never been a place I'd mind visiting briefly, but it really kind of sounded like a boring place. I need passion and extremes in my life to be happy (culture, art, wilderness, love) and Texas always seemed so bland in my mind. It is BEAUTIFUL here! This area is so vibrant and rich. There is art everywhere, and this whole area just seems so rich and vibrant. I think I already said that. It's a great place though. Everyone I've met has been adorable and sweet, and I love the Texas attitude. It just doesn't seem like there is enough time in the day to see everything I want to see and do everything I want to do, and my flight home is getting closer and closer. I can't wait to be home because I miss my babies, and because I have a lot of unfinished business there that I am more and more anxious to just take care of and be done with, but this trip has been excellent. I do carry a lot of pain, and there have been times that I've broken down, but distance has been good to me. Dan and I seem to be getting along better too as time goes on and things become less raw. We've talked a lot since I've been here, and it's good to have my friend back.

Can I just say....

Um, EWWWW. Yeah, YOU. You know who you are. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

An epiphany

Had while driving through Childress, Texas at 3am, snow on the ground, radio blaring, belting out old country songs at the top of my lungs, trying to stave off drowsiness and tears...

Who knew Kenny Rogers The gambler wasn't about playing cards? :)

I feel silly. I've loved that song for literally my whole life. I remember being 5 years old, flying down dirt roads in my dad's old ford pickup and singing that song. I remember crayons and sawdust and drawing pretty pictures on the studs of the house my dad built, that song playing on the old GE radio. It was part of the soundtrack of my childhood, and it was about cards. Real post from a real keyboard and computer after sleep.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Travel update...

..because this is so much easier than making a million phone calls. I am at b's grandparents house in thousand oaks. We made it here around 9 last night. Her grandmother has been incredibly warm and kind, and yet completely candid. She is refreshing. She fed us huge plates of some of the best spaghetti i've ever had last night too. We are going to spend some time with them this morning and see some sights. We're tossing around the idea of an afternoon at magic mountain and then we'll be back on the road tonight.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Lessons learned

My stepfather was not a nice man. I dealt with a major amount of guilt a few years ago when he died because i found myself grateful. I viewed his body not out of sympathy but because I needed closure. I needed to know he was really gone and I didn't have to fear him anymore. That said, there were a few times in my life that I really connected with him, and I drew something from those experiences that I need to remember. There were rare occasions when he wasn't drinking that we would have real conversations and they were heart breaking. I was 10 or 11 when he told me about his experiences in Viet Nam. He went through some horrifying things, and he did some horrifying things to save his own life. While he understood the necessity of what he had done, he felt a great deal of guilt. He couldn't forgive himself and spoke from time to time of a desire to assume a new identity, to start fresh as a new and unknown person to escape his pain. He really thought the only way to escape his pain was to be someone else somewhere else. I told outright how absurd that was. His pain wasn't something around him that would go away if he was somewhere else. No one around him knew, and certainly no one judged him for it. He carried his pain inside him, and no matter where he went it was still going to be there until he faced it head on and found a way internally to heal his heart. This was ridiculously obvious to me as a child. This is something I know. So how did I convince myself that going on this trip was going to be my chance to get away and take a break from my pain? I knew all along that i carry it in my heart.

I need freedom

Everything I say and do and experience is tinged by his deception and by my pain. I am away from it all trying to give my heart space, but he weighs so heavily on my being. Everything I experience in life, no matter how far removed from him I am, I experience as a person who loves him. My whole existence and identity are wrapped up in my love for him and that hurts. I don't know who I am. I drove through the Siskiyous at dawn, the whole world glowing, and my heart drooped. Moments ago I was dancing along the shores of Lake Shasta in the sunshine, wind blowing in my hair, trying to feel free and happy as I always am in beautiful places when it hit me all over again and I turned into a blubbering mess there on the rocks. He broke a promise last night that I just cant forgive. I feel sick over it. How did he become this person? The one thing we always had was trust. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't know how not to.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Goodbye, NaBloPoMo, Goodbye....

And because I can't end all of this NaBloPoMo fun on a note like that, I have to say:

Today was an EXCELLENT day! I seriously and literally did a happy dance around my living room this afternoon. I have been completely stressed out about money for the last couple weeks. Being jobless was bad enough, but being jobless and then suddenly finding I'm a single mother has been flat out sickening. I've sent my resume all over town, applying for every job opening I could find, but I haven't really gotten much response. It's a bad time of year to be searching, ya know? So I got a phone call this afternoon from an employer who found my resume on Monster. I'm not getting my hopes up, and I'm not going to say too much because you just never know, but if this works out, my prayers will definitely have been answered. Things sound really positive, and this job is far more than I ever could have hoped for. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

And really, NaBloPoMo has been excellent for me too. If I hadn't been in the habit of posting every day when all of this happened I may very well have imploded emotionally rather than using this outlet to work through things. I really owe a huge thanks to all of you who have been here supporting me. Your encouragement and kind words have meant so much. NaBloPoMo has pushed my blogging to a new place as well. I want to post every day now. It's good to have this habit, I think.

Just a quick note to the friends of a certain lovely girlfriend...

...who it seems are still reading. Please don't stress yourselves on my account. As I thought I had already made clear, I am tired of drama. Honestly, I've NEVER had any patience for it, and I refuse to make an exception to that now. My energy is better spent on healing my broken heart and creating a better future for myself and for my children. I do have a few choice thoughts in my head when it comes to her, but it's really not worth my time or effort to make them known. It's Dan who has destroyed the family we created together, not her. She just didn't have the decency to refuse. I've said what little I have about her out of anger and frustration, and my "forbidden" post certainly didn't say anything but simple truth. The truth just happens to be more than certain people are able to handle right now, and you know what? I'm ok with that too, because aside from my children, other people's heads really aren't my concern at this point. My goal in life is certainly not to hurt her or to hurt Dan. I do question her morals, but they have no immediate bearing on my life right now, so it really doesn't matter. I choose to focus my attention on more positive things. I am trying to get over all of this and move on with my life as best as I can. I've said before and I'll gladly say again that I do hope above all else that they can be truly happy together. I want nothing more than for Dan to find happiness even if it isn't with me, because I LOVE him. If that happens and they do make it work, I'd much rather have a positive relationship with her than a hateful one.

That said, if you really want to stick around here, please try to put yourself in my shoes, and please consider your motives. This is not the appropriate place to "gather ammo" to protect your friend. I am not an evil bitch. I'm just a girl who has spent 10 years of her life building a family with some one she loved deeply so that it could all be ripped away from her. I've created this blog to have a place to share my thoughts and feelings and to work through what's going on in my head. Right now I'm just grasping at the broken straws in my heart trying to find a way to get through this. I will say things out of anger and frustration here, which also means I'll say things I don't really mean. I may say things you don't like from time to time, and I may even say things I don't like from time to time. Honestly, I already have, but that's ok too because I've been honest about my feelings and that has helped me to come to terms with them. I am a human being, and I have been deeply hurt. If you are here to try to understand, or if you'd like to share another perspective with me, great! I'd like to hear what you have to say and I'd be happy for you to stick around. If you are here to judge me though, please just move along.


The snow really needs to go away now. I'm tired of being stuck at home. The kids haven't been in school since monday. My street is a solid sheet of ice an inch thick. I'd share pictures but my rechargeable batteries have decided they no longer feel like charging for some reason, so my digital camera is a paperweight at the moment. I live at the top of a hill, and listen to people spinning their tires trying to get up it (and failing!) all day long. I feel like a hostage in my own home! I was supposed to chaperone oldest on a field trip to see the nutcracker ballet today but that, of course, has been cancelled too. We are going stircrazy!!!!

On a brighter note though, tomorrow afternoon I run away. I'm driving to Texas with B, and then flying back next Friday. I am so excited to get away for a while, to put some distance between Dan and I and to take some time for myself. It's going to be an incredibly long drive, and I'm going to miss my munchkins, but I think some time for myself (and with a good friend!) is just what I need right now. We are driving south through Oregon and California and then across to Texas, so if you know of anything in that part of the country that we just can't miss seeing, please do share. I love a good road trip!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Peace at last

We sat down and really talked tonight. We didn't fight, and no one cried. He quit being the pain he has been for the last few days and started really communicating again. This is most excellent. We managed to work through the entire custody and visitation situation, child support, and what should happen with the girls should something happen to us. All in one sitting. No major arguments, no screaming and yelling, no hurtful words. I am beyond impressed, and I think we are both happy with the decisions we've reached. I feel a huge sense of relief to be finished with this. Now it's just a matter of making it legal, and we're good.
Let the world know you
as you are,

not as you think you should be.

-Fanny Brice

Good God man!

And for the record, though he told me flat out that I'd never see a dime of child support and he'd work under the table to ensure it, that apparently is not what he meant, because he is an honest and loving person and a committed father, and he said it out of anger. He said it, but I am wrong to repeat it in MY PERSONAL SPACE because it makes him look bad, God forbid, and it's not what he meant. Right. Because I should know that he would never let his children want for anything. Except when he is threatening me to defend the honor of his $!#&*$&#*(lovely new girlfriend)*^$&#%^#&#. Or when he is moving 400 miles away and leaving them heartbroken because being close to his lovely girlfriend is more important than being near his children. Or when he is threatening me. Whatever. GO AWAY, I said. I don't know the person you have become Dan, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't think I like that person very much. The man I loved wouldn't treat his worst enemy like this, much less the girl who he spent 10 years loving and who's heart he just broke. He might have kicked some arse if need be, but when it came to matters of the heart, he had one.

(And for those of you who are new here, please know that it's not you that I am telling to go, unless you are Dan, his lovely new girlfriend, or one of her friends. Lovely, I tell you. I am saying nice things. I apologize for your having to read all of this GARBAGE. By the way, lovely girlfriend, while I'd like you to leave now, you are welcome to come back on January 1st, though just for that day. I've promised not to tell you what I think of you until he is there with you, insecure as you are about being party to the breakup of a family and all, but I'll gladly resurrect my censored post at that time, assuming you are worth the trouble to me by then. Honestly though, my hunch is that you won't be.)

Now enough with this. I am tired of your drama and of this senseless drivel. This is MY blog, it exists for MY use, and I am reclaiming it now to use as I please. The only person with editorial power around here is ME.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

When will this crap ever end? I am so so tired, and I feel so completely violated. Apparently I no longer have the right to express my emotions or to be angry. It doesn't matter what he has done or what she has done. I am supposed to be prim and proper and kiss their asses no matter what, even HERE in MY BLOG, in MY personal space. I am not allowed a place to vent or to work through my emotions, and I am certainly not allowed to say what I think of her or of the likelihood that he will cheat again some day. He's done nothing wrong at all, and either has she, and I am wrong to have feelings or to share those feelings with anyone. She discovered my blog today, by the way. When I found out I prepared a lovely post explaining to her that she was not welcome here and telling her exactly what I thought of her, but I was told that being civil or decent or nice even for the sake of the kids would go out the window if I posted it. I was told that I would never see a dime of child support because he would work under the table forever if I posted it, and he would do everything in his power to make my life miserable. Hello? You already did that, remember? Way to be a stand up father and man though. She is a big girl, and she should understand that what she has done (or what she has supported you in doing) is incredibly wrong and that she has really and profoundly hurt people in the process, and she shouldn't be here reading my private thoughts anyway. How dare you ask me to censor myself?!? I'll do whatever I have to for my children, because they don't deserve to be homeless in addition to being without their father, but you should know, both of you, that I am having very unkind thoughts about you. My opinion of each of you as human beings is far less than pleasant. Honor, respect and integrity count for so much in this world, and you just don't have any of it, either of you. This blog isn't about you. It is about me. This is my space to feel and to breathe and to be, and I choose to share my thoughts and feelings here in this public place because I don't WANT to hide my heart away anymore. I shouldn't HAVE TO be alone in this pain, and I don't want to shut out the people around me anymore. My heart is an open book, and you will not change that. Now go away.

You are not welcome here Nicole.

So it seems that the homewrecking bitch has discovered my blog. My dear friends, I apologize for this outburst, but I can't let it go without saying something. I'm weak like that, you know?

I have refrained from contacting you or communicating with you because I don't think you are worth it. I have refrained from telling you what I think because despite the fact that I don't think there is a single respectable bone in your body, this is Dan's fault. If you had any decency in you you would never have considered starting a relationship with some one who has a FAMILY, but this is still Dan's fault for not being a man and standing up for us, so I've chosen to direct my anger at him. Heh, I do know he's irresistable after all. I HAVE spent TEN YEARS building a life and a family and a future with him. Damned charm. That said, all bets are off if you continue to invade my private space. This is MY space. You don't belong here. This is my outlet to vent, to work through my feelings. This is my place to digest my thoughts and to heal my broken heart. Please don't ever come back here.

And rest easy, sweet Nicole, because you know that statistically once a man has cheated once, he'll never ever do it again, right? Oh wait! He already cheated on you once when you dated him before didn't he? Yeah, good luck with that.
Each moment of the year has
it's own beauty, a picture
which was never seen before,
and which shall never be seen

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

retail therapy

But I only shopped for things that would improve my mental health exponentially, so that makes it ok, right? Heh.

What was first on my list? BOOKS, of course. I made a stop at my favorite local cheap used book store, and found good things. Funny, really, I actually found myself looking at the self help section for the first time ever. No worries though, it all seemed sad and silly and strange, even now, with all I have on my mind. 100 steps to win him back from the other woman while doing an inner tango and other silly titles look just as cheesy and wrong now as they did before I'd been through all this (THANK YOU LORD!). Maybe I'm just cynical, but I had a good laugh anyway. I did find these and am excited about reading each of them:

Next on my list.... New sheets. Soft luxurious new high thread count sheets in that pretty shade of green he would never allow. To go on my bed the day he leaves. It may be hard to lay there alone at night, but at least I'll have soft new sheets. I can't wipe his memory completely from this house, because I treasure his memory and I will always savor my reminiscence of our times together, and because his beautiful children will fill every day of my life, but aside from them I intend fully to put everything that reminds me of him away for a while. Gone will be his scent, his touch, and his face. New pillows are soon to follow. It seems silly to me even now, but I get some comfort regardless from the idea of wrapping myself in a cocoon of newness. It is a little thing, I know, but it symbolizes something far bigger in my heart.

Monday, November 27, 2006


Because today is just a day. I don't have anything I need to pour out of my heart today. I don't need to vent. I don't want to cry. I don't feel a sense of impending doom. You know what?? It's pretty nice.

There were rainbows EVERYWHERE on the way home yesterday. That kind of feels symbolic I guess.

Of course we came home to snow, so, well, you know. These were taken when we got home last night, but we have about 6 inches on the ground now, and I live right at the very top of a hill. Hee.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Home, sweet home.

I just lost a whole post. RRRRR.

I am home finally, and it has never felt better to be home. That was one of the longest holiday weekends I've ever experienced. It's over now, and that is most excellent.

I made a decision this morning. I am stepping off of the rollercoaster. That doesn't mean I don't hurt or I wont cry, but I'm tired of the range of emotions I'm forcing myself to feel, and I'm tired of the drama. Going to Oregon for the last 4 days undid a lot of the healing I had accomplished prior, and I have to fix that. Last night was an absolute nightmare. I am done wallowing in this. I am done feeling helpless and pathetic. I have a new life to start living, a new life to put together, and I am ready to do that now. It's time for me to re-read this post. Um, minus that last paragraph, that is. Best not to read that at all right now.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I am so frustrated. and so tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. Can some one please stop the world? I want off.

Friday, November 24, 2006


I am so f-ing tired of mixed messages and bullshit. Stop taking advantage of the fact that i love you. Dont lead me to believe we have hope and use me and then expect me to have sympathy when shes mad because you finally told her the tiniest sliver of the truth about how you are with me! There is nothing i hate more than having my heart played with aside maybe from this soap opera bs. Her or me. Be a man and make a decision.


Just a quick update because typing on my phone really sucks... Thank you all for your comments. Im incredibly grateful for your support. I knew coming here for thanksgiving was nuts. Maybe subconsciously thats why i didnt post about it before. Im here for my kids though. They were so excited to come. I couldnt deny them their loved ones on thanksgiving and in the mindset i was in before we left there was no way in hell i was letting him bring them here without me. We passed within 5 miles of her house on the way here for gods sake. We fought for much of the way because of him and his phone. Its been an ongoing sore subject for the last week because i do flip out every time he calls her. He promised me a couple days ago that he wouldnt talk to her anymore until he was gone except from work. That was fine until her schedule changed and then it became another promise out the window. Anyway, we were here 10 minutes before I lost control of my emotions and had to leave. I sat in the car trying to get myself together for the sake of my kids. He begged and pleaded for me to come back (huh?) and I wanted to badly but everytime I went to move to get out of the car racking sobs would hit me again and I'd be paralyzed. At some point I gave up on coming back in for dinner because I couldn't stand the idea of ruining it for everyone else. I sat there for a while and decided to blog, hoping to work through some emotion so I could be with my family. First thing I saw was Sjers comment about throwing his phone at his head. Suddenly I was laughing instead of crying. Thankyou Sjer! I love you! You made it possible for me to walk back into this house with a smile on my face and enjoy thanksgiving dinner with my beautiful daughters. Dan walked up to me at the moment I started laughing so I ended up explaining my laughter, and for the rest of the might every time I started to look down he tapped his phone against his head and I was grinning again. The silly psyche of a sad person, huh?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy thanksgiving my dears.

Here's hoping you all have a glorious turkey day with your loved ones.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Mobile posting for the next

Mobile posting for the next few days by the way, spending the holiday with his mom in oregon.


30 minutes into a 6 hr drive trapped in the car with him and they're already texting nonstop. Have an ounce of respect.

Must be strong

Must be strong must be strong must not smack him and throw his phone out the window must be strong must be strong

funny funny

'What will your obituary say?' at

Thanks glo-girl :)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I really want to scream at the top of my lungs right now, and I really need to control myself, because my sweet angels are sleeping down the hall. I love them so much, and it is so unfair that they have to go through all of this. He's here, but he's not really here. He sleeps in the same house as us, but he's rarely home, and when he is he is outside talking to her on the phone. It takes everything I have to continue to say nice things when my daughters ask me where daddy is. Every moment of every day makes it easier for me to let him go. There are times that the idea of him leaving is unbearable, and there are times that I want to hold on to him with all I've got for as long as I can, but there are more and more times now too that I just want to tell him where to shove it.

He had the nerve to tell me tonight that he would like them to come spend the summer with him. I am FREAKING OUT now. I thought we had already been through all of this. I thought we had worked out visitation and custody and the whole thing. I went off. I broke down. I yelled. I cried. I threatened to find a lawyer. I need to breathe. I understand that he loves them and he wants to see them, but he needs to understand that he is the one that is choosing to leave them. It's not like he is moving down the street or across town. If he were, I would fully expect that we would have shared custody and they would see him all of the time. HE is the one that is choosing her over his ability to be a part of their daily lives. I know I am being irrational and selfish, but I guess maybe I feel like I am entitled to that right now, and I guess maybe I don't care that that is the case, because they are my babies and I love them, and nothing else matters. The fact that he is moving 400 miles away and leaving the girls and I behind DOES NOT mean that I have to let them go that far away to be with him for long periods of time. It just doesn't. He is choosing to leave them. That shouldn't mean I have to let go of my daughters too, shouldn't mean I have to be away from them. He can come here any time he wants to see them, and I've already promised them that I'll take them there absolutely any time they want, but I can't and won't just ship them off. I hope I feel differently some day, but right now it's all just too raw. God DAMN it. I feel like I am being so selfish, but at the same time I don't have it in me to feel any other way about this right now. I am not ok with them going there for a WEEKEND without me much less a week or a month or a WHOLE GOD DAMNED SUMMER. I just can't do it. I'll give up my life with him, but I won't give up being with them every day for anything in the world. Urgh. Putting it in writing opens my eyes a little. My babies love their daddy, and I don't ever want to stop them from spending as much time with them as they want to. Ugh. I can't just let them go, but I think I have an apology to make.
So I was looking for that classic "if you love something set it free" quote this morning, and found some variations that made me smile, when listed in my google search results at least. Actually going to those places left me thinking about just how many people there are in this world who's hearts are broken and who feel like life going on is unimaginable, which is depressing, of course, but that momentary smile was still an excellent thing. And you know what else I found that I didn't necessarily expect? People with strength. People who are inspiring. EXCELLENT. Maybe it's the humor of an emotionally f-ed up person at this point, but just in case it's not and you can laugh about these to, here's what I found....

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
(the original, of course, and what I was looking for)

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

“If you love something let it go, and if it comes back - that doesn't mean a damn thing; it can just leave you again later.”

"If you love something, puke on it."

"If You Love Something, Let it Go, then Re-Capture it."

"If You Love Something Leave It Alone"

"if you love something set it open-source (free)"

"If You Love Something, Never Let It Out of Your Goddamned Sight"

"if you love something, feed it lettuce"
(so THAT was the problem. Never could get him to eat a God-damned salad.)

"If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever does comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, it's what you expected in the first place."

"If you love something
set it free,
if it comes back, you're gonna have to feed it
if it doesn't, you probably didn't want it anyway."

"If you love something, let it go. After all, that's why you put the methadone in their milk, right?"

"If you love something let it go...if it doesn't come back hunt it down and kill it."
(I found this here. He kind of seems to be on the other side of a situation like mine, in a way. Interesting read.)

Don't worry Dan, this last one is a little more along the lines of where I'm at right now...

"If you love something, you don’t kill it."

Heh, he told his boss this morning what he is doing and that he'll be gone at the end of the year. I love his boss. He warned him that he should watch for signs that I've purchased a gun, and possibly should remove all sharp knives from the house. No worries there, but it put a smile on my face anyway.

These are other good quotes I found in the process of looking...

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

“Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.”

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile”

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

“Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...”

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you'll be in my heart.”

"The hurt is worth it to me if someone I truly love is being brilliantly and truly themselves. "

"Free Will. It's a disease everybody has. Learn this."

"When they leave us or we leave them, there seems to always be that last unfinished thing, that slender thread of retrieval that only snaps when they find someone else. It also snaps when we find someone else, but we hardly notice it, because we're busy reweaving something new.

It's a terrible thing to see that silvery thread, snapped at the far distant point, come curling back to us. In some senses, we've lowered ourselves into a well and that one last rope is slithering down, cut from above, coiling at our feet.

Damn it. It's not the final cut that kills us, I think, it's the realizing that we had the rope up there in the first place. We didn't even KNOW we had hope and now, the hope that we tried desperately to not depend on has suddenly evaporated.

It is at this exact moment that we feel truly alone."

Monday, November 20, 2006

And another day goes by

Another day closer to Dan leaving. I don't want to count down the days, because I don't want to think about just how few I have remaining with him, but I feel like I am grasping at straws. I feel like I have to make every moment count because there will never be another one. Things are pretty intense between us right now. I wish we could have been more like this (or moments of this, at least) before when we weren't over. I wish I wouldn't have taken him for granted so much in our relationship and savored our life together a little more. Lessons learned I guess, but that's just really hard to swallow right now. I find myself wanting to enjoy every little thing. Just watching him breathe makes my heart ache. As much as I want to stop, as much as I want to be angry and push him away, I can't get enough. I need him to be here and be close while he can, and I need to savor these moments. I'm not in denial, and I know he's going no matter what. I know he loves her. I just don't want to let go until I really have to. And really, that isn't the whole truth either, because I am letting go. I am gradually learning to accept all of this. The fact remains though that I love him with all of my heart, and it would kill me to do anything less than savor every last ounce of what I have left of him while I have it.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

and you know what really pisses me off?

The one time I really cried tonight was when I was talking to Dan about how I hope he really does find happiness. As much as I don't want to admit it, I really hope this works out for him and he can be truly happy, because he so deserves that. DAMN IT!! Why can't I just be mad and hate him. Dan, I love you, and I really do hope that this choice means you can find true happiness. If you don't quit rubbing things in my face I am going to kick your arse, but still. If I wish happiness for anyone in this world it is you. She had better treat you right or I'll kick her arse. I love you. No matter what. No matter what else you may end up being to me, you are my rock. And now I am again officially bawling. Mother fucker. But bawling with mad kung fu skills, because apparently I am up to kicking some arse if need be.

hiccup. hiccup. hiccup!

Wow. Drunken posting. I've reached a new low. Total and complete drunkenness, just for the record. If all my previous soap opera shit didn't scare away the few friends I have this sure as hell will. I am an incredibly dysfunctional and pathetic individual. I sleep in the same bed as the guy who's leaving me for another woman. We do more than sleep. And I don't WANT him to move to the garage for the remainder of his stay beause i need him breathing next to me for as lomng as I can have him there. My friend K. is so right that I should make him go, but I really just don't want to. That would really kill me. Whatever helps for the chick in pain right? Isn't that disgusting and wrong? I am so desperate to hold on to what little I have left that I'll take anything and everything I get, no matter how unhealthy. I'm not the drinking kind of girl beause I'm the child of an alcoholic but we went out together tonight even though he's destroyed my life. I was really scared that I would end up bawling because that's what I do when I drink because of my mom, but I had a blast and I'm drunk on my arse and I'm sad about it because it feels like an end of an era type thing. And really there was never any era of this because I always fely icky about it. I am 27 years old and can easily count on one hand with fingers to spare the number of times I've been out drinking. No more after you are gone though. Tonight was fun but it will never happen again because tomorrow is a new day and soon I won't have him in my life anymore. That makes me want to hurl. And I just fixed like 10 million typos because I can't type when I've been drinking. Thanks, those of you who have commented and shown an interest in my silly little life before all this CRAP. I'll miss you. Yes, I do know this whole drunkenness thing is pathetic and disgusting. I hope in a couple months when I come to terms with reality and start posting about something other than soap opera dribble again you'll still be there. I may not really say it normally, but I LOVE YOU GUYS (and girls). Until then, cheers, and I hope you have incredible and wonderful lives, because that's all that really matters, and because every one of you deserves it. Love the ones you love and don't ever stop no matter what. Don't destroy lives, because it's just not nice or humane. And if you don't run away screaming because I'm a terrible disgusting shame, double cheers to you, hallelujah, and you rock. And for the record, as soon as atheist butthead is gone, I shall have my beautiful childrens (who are staying with grandmama tonight if you are concerned because I would NEVER dirnk around them) in church with me almost every Sunday, because they need to know God, and they need to know he has a plan for all of us and even though life may suck royally and not so graciously, it will all work out in a positive and excellent way in the end. Dan wouldn't allow them to know that, but what the F ever. He's leaving, and it's all good in the house of God, and this will certainly be one. And that is the only thing that gives me hope. That and I'll lose weight and be healthy and love myself, and then I'll find a hot-assed hunka hunka burning love to share my life with, and I'll thank God every day for the shit I'm going through right now because it will have led me to something so much better. Dude, happiness makes the world go round. For at least 15 years now every time I've had an opportunity to make a wish (shooting stars, birthday candles, so on and so forth) all I've ever wished for was HAPPINESS. That's a secret I'm sharing with you because it was always a private inside thing (MATT!) (Yes, the MATT comment is directed at sober tomorrow me). Isn't that sad that someone who was a kid or a teenager would have experienced enough pain that all they would want is something so simple as happinesss? Dude. It's the secret to my life. Shi$&^*&# I have a lot of typos when inebriated. I think I just spelled inebriated while drunk - excellent! I strive for happiness, no matter what or how. I WILL find it, and it will be GLORIOUS. And that comes straight from DRUNK-arsed JENNY, so it has to be true, cause I don't have the common sense to fake being anything else to come across better at this particular moment. And for the record, the waiters who work at Denny's on the graveyard shift f-ing rock. That may have been the best service I ever had, pumping my system full of toast and hashbrowns and moons over my hammy. Food is excellent, and that is incredibly significant because I really haven't eaten anything at all since Tuesday. EXCELLENT. So is this great big bottle of water I'm drinking right now, because I am going to be sooooooooooooooo sick tomorrow. Have an excellent night all of you,. and know that for tonight at least, I feel no pain. I may never dirnk again, because I feel oh so incredibly disgusted about the idea of drowning my sorrows in booze, but for tonight, for the first time since I don't know when, I sleep soundly. Excellent. For tonight at least. Kisses.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Welcome to the twilight zone

Oh. My. He just asked for my advice on what to buy her for christmas. Seriously dude, you've got to be kidding me. I know I'm trying to be understanding about this, but really.
Didn't even realize yesterday was my 100th post. I had planned forever ago to do the obligatory 100 things post for that, but my hundred things wouldn't be such nice ones right now. Maybe 100 ways I'd like to make Dan suffer for being a sack of shit. Of course that doesn't work either because the only reason this hurts me and I want to call him a sack of shit is that I love him. Blech. I don't have much to say today. I'm kind of numb at the moment emotionally, and I'm trying to maintain that for a while. I wrote an angry email to the other woman a little while ago, but I resisted temptation and deleted it instead of sending it. She's a pathetic excuse for a human being for encouraging him, but there is no point in being mad at her. Dan is the moron who couldn't be man enough to honor our relationship and choose his family over her. Whatever. I may start a countdown - number of days until he's gone and I can start really dealing with this. He isn't leaving till the first of the year.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Today my goal is acceptance. Having a reason hurts, but having a reason helps too. It turns this into something I can grasp in some way. It hurts that Dan wasn't a strong enough man to set aside his feelings for her in favor of his family, but it is what it is at this point. Fighting it only pushes him farther away and makes it hurt worse. I've just gotta find a way to get through


Thursday, November 16, 2006

I just dont understand. I really want to just be angry enough that I don't care, but I can't be. I want to just let go and I don't know how. Good for him for following his heart and trying to find happiness. That's something I haven't had the courage to do in 10 years. I don't understand though how he can do it at the expense of his kids. How can he decide consciously that she is more important than his daughters are? If he and I can't be together, ok. That kills me but I'll find a way to work through it. How can he move out of state to be with her though? He says flat out that being with her is more important than being a regular part of his kids lives. He can never be happy here, and his happiness (which translates into his being with her) is more important than being there for his kids. He said that. Literally. Those words. He'd rather have a long distance relationship with his kids than a long distance relationship with someone he dated briefly in highschool. He's continued to lie too. He SWORE to me that he didn't see her this last weekend while he was on his "guys weekend." Oh, except, as it turns out, for when he went to a friends wedding with her that he didn't even tell me about until now, and except for when they were together after the wedding. Oh, yeah.

and the truth comes out

So he didn't just magically fall out of love with me one day. It all makes sense now. He started talking to his highschool sweetheart again about 6 months ago. I was upset at first, but decided I was being silly because I knew he loved me, so I let them talk, and I didn't interfere. It was hard, but I did it because I wanted to respect him and I didn't want to control him or suffocate him. I guess I should have been a bitch after all, because he's in love with her. I suspected all along, but he swore to me that it wasn't true. He says he feels something for her that he's never felt for anyone else. It all makes perfect sense now. Bastard. Why the hell couldn't he have told me this first so I could be mad and let him go instead of being hurt and desperate and unable to give up? All I want is my family back. The best part of it is that in 2 weeks when this pretend trial is over (and it really is pretend - he's making no effort at all) he is moving to Oregon. He's moving 400 miles away to be close to her, leaving his kids behind. He won't be there for them, won't be part of their daily lives. Why can't I just hate him so I can get this over with? Instead I feel like my life is over.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

a short and quiet breath

So I've arranged for a stay of execution again. Why do I feel like I am playing hopscotch over a bed of lava? I land face first and start sinking, and then somehow I manage to jump on to the next square and keep the game going, but with a little less of my heart and my soul and my happiness each time. We are going to give it 2 weeks, and then we are going to re-evaluate the whole thing and decide what to do from there. Anyone got some excellent ideas on how to rekindle a flame thats been doused by a tsunami in 2 weeks time? He doesn't believe there's any chance which certainly doesn't help our odds any, but he's given me 2 weeks anyway, given us 2 weeks anyway. I pray to God it works. I feel almost pathetic for not being able to just let him walk away, but it's just not in me to give up on my family. I can't do it. Especially when I just can't understand why.
I look everywhere for an answer, but there just isn't one. I dont understand at all. Sure, things change, people change. That's a given. Sure, sparks fade over the years. That's a given. Things have gotten so much better for us over the last year though. We stopped fighting, and started communicating. I let go of so much anger and so much frustration and just let things be, because I wanted us to be happy. I wanted him to be happy. How can you commit your life to someone, create a family with someone, plan out the rest of your days with someone, and spend 10 years living that life and building that dream, just to wake up one day to decide you don't love them any more and you want to walk away? How can he just walk away?? I want to understand, and I want to be graceful about it, but I just can't. I can't wrap my head around it at all, and my heart rejects it completely. This whole thing just isn't possible. Will someone please pinch me and wake me up from this nightmare?
Never in my life have I felt so totally and utterly alone. I walked away from everyone and everything I knew to be with Dan 10 years ago. I turned my back to my family and friends and never looked back, because he was worth it. I have put everything I have and everything I am into us. I have spent my entire adult life focused on making our family work, despite our struggles. My entire identity and existence are defined by who I am as part of the family we have created together. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't WANT to imagine my life without him. So how can a person decide after being a FAMILY for TEN YEARS that they just don't care anymore? He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be together, and he doesn't care how I feel or how it affects our children. The last 6 months have been a lie. When he told me last week that he loves me more every day, that he's never been happier or loved me more, and that he was crazy to have ever questioned that, it was a blatant lie. He says he was trying to convince himself. Why is it that when he is such a cold hearted bastard and he doesn't care about me AT ALL all I want is for him to love me? All I want is for him to put his arms around me and mean it, and for us to be happy together. We made a commitment to forever, and I embraced that heart and soul. Every particle of my being hurts right now.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I Can't Make You Love Me

written by Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

And the ones that can know you so well are the ones that can swallow you whole

So I went off searching for an ocean song to complement this post, and found the lyrics to Dar Williams The Ocean. I've always loved that song, and really anything Dar Williams, but really, I want MUSIC, not lyrics, because I'm persnickety like that, so off to YouTube I went. I found John Butler's the ocean, and love it.

That man can really play the guitar! You've really gotta watch it all the way through to fully appreciate his intensity. Can you imagine coming across him playing that on a street corner about 2 minutes into the song? WOW. Those fingernails really freak me out though, even if they are a guitar thing. Not having been able to stop there, of course, I found the song below, and am really diggin it too at the moment.

Now I've gotta go hunt down a CD, damn it!

Anyway, the ocean, um, yeah...

We headed south on Friday, leaving town HOURS late thanks to a little snafoo with the car rental place who forgot to pick B up. (How do you really spell snafoo anyway? Snafoo? Snafu? Ah choo? Oh wait, I know! e-n-t-e-r-p-r-i-s-e!) Traffic was bad, and the rain was coming down incredibly hard, even by northwest standards, so it was a looooooong trip to Eugene and a just slightly scary trip too. We all made it in one piece and dropped the girls off at Dan's mom's house. Thankfully our lack of planning (thanks to my funk last week) worked out ok, and Dan's uncle offered up keys to the family beach house while we were there. Wandering a coast town on a friday night (in the middle of the night, really) looking for a vacancy would have been a serious pain. As much as I really do prefer to just roll with the punches and let the pieces fall where they may, I really do need to plan better next time.

We finally made it to Newport at around 11pm, and once we found the place in the dark and decided we were pretty sure we were at the right house we were good. There were a few unnerving moments when I wasn't entirely sure I was sticking my borrowed key in the right house's lock, but it all worked out. We stayed up late talking and giggling and just generally having fun. We went wandering up and down the beach in the morning, and then shopping at the outlet Mall in Lincoln City, where I bought some kitchen gadgets and 6 (SIX!) pretty new tanktops. In the middle of November. At the coooooold Oregon coast. Whatever. :)

You know that commercial where the guy is standing on a jettee playing his guitar and rocking out and then a big wave hits the jettee and washes over him and everyone laughs? No? No one else knows what I'm talking about either, and I can't find it anywhere, but I know I've seen it. Anyway, that kind of happened to me on Friday night. Sort of. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time, and certainly not while spitting out mouthfuls of saltwater. On our way back from Lincoln City to Newport on Saturday night, we stopped at this little row of giftshops along side 101. The shops are on one side of the street, and there is a single row of parking spaces on the other, directly along side the ocean. There was a narrow sidewalk between the front of the parking spaces, and a knee high rock wall hopefully keeping folks from falling over a 100 or so foot drop down to big rocks and bigger waves. B. was sitting in the car watching these huge waves roll in, and I got out to look over the edge with a group of people that had gathered to stare in awe. I'm not sure I've ever seen waves that big before, even having grown up by the water and having spent a lot of time at the ocean. I guess in hindsight I should have felt some alarm when a wave about twice as big as the others I was watching rolled towards the rocks, but it was just so cool to see that I really didn't think about it. It hit the rocks, and then the wall, and then sprayed so high in the air that it spread clear across the street. Needless to say it got me on it's way.

The car! The rental company may have been slow, but I'm thinking it was worth the wait...

The bridge in Newport

The house