Tuesday, December 12, 2006

You know, I could have sworn I made a decision a while back to step off the roller coaster. I wasn't going to do this to myself anymore, wasn't going to let my emotions get the best of me like this. So why is it that all it takes are just a couple words from him, meant jokingly even, for me to come completely unglued? He tried to tease me, tried to give me a lighthearted jab, and it sent me right back to square one, right back to that first day when he told me he was leaving, when he told me about her. I can't be this person, I can't come undone like this any more. I have this desperate need for answers. I have a desperate need to understand, but I need to accept that I am just never going to. He doesn't have answers, and even if he did I wouldn't understand or accept them. I need to keep myself together and try to heal, try to work through this and make something better of it. Life is ironic, that's for sure. Moments before all this I was championing the plight of cheating bastard fathers everywhere. Really. Literally. Well sort of anyway.

Maybe I am just on edge all around. Somebody said something to me today that has bothered me all day long. I think it was meant genuinely as a compliment, as comfort, and it came from someone I really respect and someone I am learning to care for, learning to relate to as a friend, but still it has nagged at me. I'm told that I am definitely "pretty enough to be happy." Setting aside the fact that I really do believe that everyone is beautiful and special, and that happiness should never hinge on how you look, what does that mean? I'm not beautiful, but I'm pretty enough to get by, pretty enough to be happy somehow? I may not be good enough for Dan, may not meet that kind of standards, but I'm pretty enough that someone somewhere will find my face bearable enough to put up with me? I frustrate myself so much. Why does my brain work this way? Deep down I know I'm better off without Dan, and I shouldn't be hurt by the fact that he yearns for something unsavory from his unsavory past. I should be thankful for the easy out, the opportunity to do something better with my life. I respect the person who paid me this compliment today, and I know it was meant in the best of lights, meant as a real compliment. He really is a sweetheart. So why do I beat myself up like this? Where did my confidence, my self respect, my dignity go? I've got to find the light at the end of this tunnel, and I've got to find a way to get there soon.


jennster said...

{{{{{jenny}}}}} i never want to know the pain you're going through. honestly. and you know what sucks? i feel like when all guys do this- cheat, it's like they have a fucking handbook they read out of. they all say the EXACT SAME THINGS. they act the same ways. they do back and forth crap. they don't give answers. they do NOTHING to help ease your own feelings. but why would they, they're doing the most selfish thing of all... and they're not thinkgin about anyone else but themselves. anyway, it's so weird because my dad would tell my mom it's not like he was unhappy.. and he gave no reasons as to why he was doing what he was doing at the time. but NOW... all these years later (almost 3) he has the ease to say he wasn't happy. apparently hindsight is 20/20, so... while you don't have the answers you so desperately want AND deserve now... you might have them in time. it sucks. i am the same as you. i would want answers. knowing the reasons, helps you move past. you know? at least with reasons, you can process everything and then put it behind you.
i am sending good thoughts to you. one day you'll freaking THANK HIM for leaving. beacuse it will be the best thing he could have done because your life will be fucking amazing, and his will suck. lol
its' not letting me log in an dpost.. it's jennster

Sonia said...

I know you've probably heard this before...but I think you need to hear it again. It WAS/IS not your fault that he cheated. That is a flaw within himself. He would have cheated if he were with anyone else...even if he were with a beauty queen. There's just something inside some men that makes them unable to be faithful. Most cheaters are looking for something they lack in themselves....I'm sorry you were hurt. I cannot even imagine the pain you must felt/feel. Just remember, you are a good person...you are GOOD ENOUGH for someone to love. Everyone is. Pretty has nothin' to do with it.