Tuesday, October 31, 2006

OK, so back to that Happy Halloween stuff...

Why does it have to be so stinking cold for halloween? We've had pretty decent weather up until this week, but of course it has to freeze for tonight. Go figure. My youngest is very excited to be a clown tonight, and has been making up goofy jokes and wandering around telling them to random people for the last week in preparation. She's such a funny girl. Oldest is going as a devil in disguise, with horns and pitch fork, angel wings and a shiny silver feathery dress. This is soooo perfect for her! It suits her personality to a T. I'll post pictures later.

Tomorrow is the start of National Blog Posting Month!!!! I put up the NaBloPoMo button a week or 2 ago, but haven't really talked about it here yet. Basically, I've committed to posting something, anything, every single day for the whole month of November. I promise I'll try to be less boring than I have been in the last few days. :) You should do it too!!! Click on the button to the right (you know, that great big gun pointed at you there) to go to Fussy and add your blog to the list. Come on! You know you wanna! Wink, wink...

Happy Halloween!! (warning: boring ramblings that you probably could really care less about)

I've had a few days to calm down, and now I'm seeing my being laid off as a blessing in disguise. I was miserable at work, and I was desperate to be home putting my house of boxes together and spending time with my kids, and that's exactly what I got. I'm sure I won't have any trouble finding a new job when I am ready, and I'll be able to take the time to find a job that I am happy with instead of a job that I do because I have to.

I think I mentioned before that today is the last day for my medical insurance, so I've been cramming all the appointments I'd been putting off for months into these last few days. I came home thursday night after getting the news and started in frantically making phone calls to try to get all the appointments I needed in on such short notice and so quickly. Many of the offices I normally go to literally laughed at me over the phone. I didn't expect it to be easy to get in so quickly, but I didn't expect to be treated rudely either, so I was a little surprised. I ended up starting at the top of the provider directory for my area for my insurance company and working down, making appointments in each area I needed with the first offices to answer their phones and have openings. Needless to say, this was a little nerve wracking, as I was going in blind with no previous knowledge of the doctors I was going to see.

I pulled up to the only dentist in the entire directory that could get me in on Friday afternoon, and literally winced. The office looked old and run down from the outside. They were in the same building as a 7-11 store, for God's sake! I can say now with complete conviction that I will never again go anywhere else in this area for dental work. The little guys are the BEST! I have never in my life gone in to a dental office before and been treated so much like a PERSON! The receptionist told me about her day. The xray tech showed me pictures of his daughters. Every one I dealt with was a normal every day human being, interacting genuinely. They received me warmly and made me feel good about being there instead of making me feel like I was just another patient that they had to deal with. They got me in for 3 appointments in 3 days, and billed ahead for a 4th that will happen next weekend so that it would still be covered by my insurance. I LOVE these people!!!!

Yesterday I had my girly doctor appointment, again with the only office in the entire directory for this area that could get me in before my insurance was up. Their office was in a tiny little building in the parking lot of a rural fire department about 30 minutes from here. (Yes, I was pretty desperate with this one - NO ONE else would see me, and I was 6 years overdue for an annual exam so I had to find a way) Despite my success with the obscure dentist, I was again apprehensive going in to this place, but this office is AMAZING, the doctors in the practice all go by their first names instead of "Dr. So and So," and the treatment I received was EXCELLENT. I've always dreaded those exams, but this lady really made it no big deal at all. What's more is that she told me if anything comes up in any of the tests, or if I need to see her again for any reason before I find a new job and get new insurance, she will gladly see me again for FREE! I feel so....well taken care of. :) I had blood drawn this morning (I may have PCOS - oh. yay.) and I see the eye doctor this afternoon, and then I'm done being poked and prodded for a while. Yay!

Friday, October 27, 2006

uncomfortably numb

I'd really forgotten just how yucky novocaine feels.


un. em. ployed.


It's a strange feeling.

Almost a guilty feeling, like I'm playing hooky and should get my butt to work. Sorry I'm late Mark, don't know what I was thinking this morning, but I'll get right to it. There are a bunch of sandboxed orders? No problem. I'll get right on it. Tetra_failed guids? I'm there! There are a bunch of merges to be done? (which I absolutely hated, by the way) My pleasure.


I was a stay at home mom before I went to work for them, and this was my life, at home taking care of things here. Now I've gone to work for the same company every day for the past 3 years (except Saturday and Sunday, oldest reminds me - though certainly there were times while I was a manager that I was there 7 days a week dawn to dusk, and I don't miss that), and being here during the day just flat out feels wrong. I don't know what to do with myself. I do know I only have til Tuesday before my insurance is gone too (end of the month) so I'm spending my time until then at the dentist, the eye doctor, the girly doctor, and every other doctor I've put off seeing for months. Fun.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I feel nauseous

Wow. Last night I made a decision. I decided that no matter what, I wasn't posting here from work anymore. Not on breaks, not at lunch, not at all. There was no rule that said I couldn't, but I made the decision anyway, valuing the security of my job over my blog.

Can I take it back?

When I told myself I didn't want to blog at work anymore, I didn't mean that I didn't want to be at work anymore. My company announced a major reduction in force today. I've been laid off, along with almost everybody else. I don't even know what to say.


Ok, so maybe I was just in a bad mood yesterday. I'm really not quite that negative about the entire world around me. That poem did touch me though, and it does sum up a lot of what I've felt lately about some things. The guy is a talented poet! :)

I'm planning a big hiking trip. I am registered to walk in the San Diego 3 day in about 3 weeks, and for the umpteenth time this year, I'm trying to swallow my defeat gracefully. I really have tried, but with everything else that's happened unexpectedly in my life in the last 6 months, I just haven't been able to make the required fundraising happen. This SUCKS. $2500 is a lot of money though! I'm at a piddly $185. I've talked to people, sent letters, flocked (yes, I did this, and it took over every single evening of my life for a month and a half with little result), tried a million different things, but let me tell ya, ALL the fundraising videos are WRONG. Everyone says "Oh, I can't believe how easy it was!! I just asked, and everyone gave me lots of money!!" Mmmhmm. CRAP. I sent out 60 letters to local businesses a month ago, and followed up with postcards a couple weeks later. I've gotten 2 replies, and they have both been to tell me they won't be donating. Whew, where'd this come from? I've totally gone off on a tangent, sorry. I din't mean to rant this morning. I understand completely that money sucks, and in all honesty I generally ignore donation requests when I get them in the mail too. I'm not mad, and I do blame myself for somehow not trying harder. It's just that defeat is a little bitter. I was really looking forward to the whole thing.

ANYWAY, what I was trying to say is that I'm taking the leave anyway and doing something for me with the time. I'm planning a big hiking trip. Yes, in November, I know. Unless something better comes up before then, I'm going to head to the Olympic Coast for 5 days. It's beautiful, rugged, and wild, and because it's on the coast the weather is moderate, and not tooo much colder in the winter than it is in the summer. I hiked ShiShi beach in early spring once and LOVED it, and I hiked to Toleak Point last summer and LOVED it, so I'm going back to wander. (No, those aren't my pictures of ShiShi- mine aren't on the computer, but those sum the place up nicely :) ) Mmmmmmmmm.... :)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

just another nazi love song

You have to go read this!!! It sums up quite eloquently EXACTLY how I feel about current politics, trends, life in general. EXCELLENT! Most of his other stuff is pretty awesome too. :)

Monday, October 23, 2006

Just desserts

The funniest thing happened today! :)

I took a long late lunch to pick my baby brother up from school and drop him off at Drivers ed. this afternoon. I grabbed lunch while I was out, and stopped at the waterfront park boat launch in Silverdale to eat before heading back to work.

I was sitting there enjoying the view and the fresh air, and a seagull flew up and landed on the ground next to my car. It looked so hungry and pitiful that I just HAD to share a chunk of bread from my sandwich with it, poor thing. If you've never been around gulls you may not understand, but the damned things are exceptional beggars, and convincing too. I always think of the bird lady from Mary Poppins when I see them, and I'm a sucker. Silly me. The MOMENT that piece of bread hit the ground, a huge mass of pigeons and seagulls flew up over the bank, where they had been lurking out of sight, and surrounded my car. I laughed and freaked out a little, and rolled up my window.

About this time, another car pulled up, drove past me, scattering the birds, (thankyou!) and parked a couple car lengths in front of me. This is a popular spot to sit and enjoy the view. He rolled down his window and sat, and I cautiously rolled mine back down too.

A few minutes passed, and a man that had been unloading his boat on the ramp pulled his truck and trailer up and parked them. He got out of his truck talking VERY loudly to himself about the stupid bleeping bleep-de-beep birds, and the bleeping bleep-de-bleep idiots that feed the birds, and the bleeping mess they make, and so on and so forth. He really had quite the tantrum about it as he locked his truck up and walked towards the dock. He looked at me as he passed, and kept on going. He stopped at the car of the gentleman in front of me and said "You hear me?" A screaming match ensued, whereby the man in the car screamed about how he hadn't fed the birds and about how the man from the truck was a bleeping idiot, and the man from the truck screamed more profanity.

I was feeling really bad about this time, figuring I was the cause of this whole scene with my little hunk of bread. I was tempted to get out and explain that it had been me. I wanted to tell the man from the truck that he shouldn't take life so seriously and he shouldn't let a few silly birds ruin his day. I wanted to tell him he was a profound idiot and he should learn to have some respect for his fellow human beings before he crossed paths with the wrong one and found himself in trouble. The world is not over because some one took pity on the hungry birds. I'm a hot headed chicken sometimes, and i knew it was probably better to just stay out of it, especially with the possibility that the jerk could throw me in the water or something worse, so I stayed put in my car, but I was seething and guilt ridden. Crazy thoughts flashed through my head. In the heat of my anger I wanted nothing more than to dump the rest of my lunch on the hood of his truck and watch the birdies dine. Thankfully, good sense prevailed, and I did nothing.

Truck man walked on down to the dock and to his boat, and the man in front of me got back in his car and made a phonecall. Not 5 minutes passed, and another car pulled up. The woman driving waved at the man in front of me as she drove passed him, and pulled right up to the boat ramp and stopped. Here is the shining moment of my afternoon. She got out of her car carrying a HUGE bag, ripped it open, and dumped at least 20 pounds of bird seed right smack in the middle of the boat ramp. The look on the face of the man from the truck was absolutely priceless. His eyes were wide, his jaw dropped, and suddenly he had nothing to say. He got in his boat and went off across the sound, and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Is that bad?

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Mud, mold, and pumpkins! OH MY!

So we made our annual trip to the pumpkin patch today. It was a lot of fun. I love this time of year!!!

There was a lot of mud, as always...

And the canopy over the covered wagon that takes you out to the patch at the far end of the farm has seen better days (EEEWWW!!)

It seems like every year we get there just as the sun starts to go down, but the light at that time of day does make for some cool pictures...

The girls brought a friend along, and yes, she is wearing sandals to the pumpkin patch. In October. I wanted to take a picture of her dirty muddy feet, but she wouldn't let me. :)

The girls had a blast in the hay maze...

We went home with 156 POUNDS of pumpkin. WOW. They're so pretty though. :)

Friday, October 20, 2006

To my dearest Matthew,

I had a minor panic attack in your honor today, and I thought you'd get a kick out of hearing about it. You've vanished off the face of the earth, so I can't really tell you about it, but I'll pretend here, ok? I also thought you'd get a kick out of my referring to you as my dearest Matthew. Hee. :) Ok, so you'd probably just think I'm a weirdo and a dork, but whatever. I was driving along on my way to work today, and as I crossed Naval Avenue a number popped into my head. It came out of nowhere and completely blindsided me. I felt as if I'd been hit by a freight train for a brief moment. Do you remember that last real conversation we had before I left? The one by the fireplace. You'd had a drink or two, (dumbass) and we talked more than we had in ages. We talked about the beach, and reasons, and being scared, and I told you how relieved I was the day I realized I had no idea what your phone number was anymore? You seemed almost hurt, though you really shouldn't have been, and I was so happy, because somehow it meant to me that I'd finally begun to let go, to move on, after so long. I wasn't obsessing over my heartache anymore. I knew then and I still know now that you'll always have outright ownership of a piece of my heart, but the moment I figured out I didn't know that number anymore was the moment I really truly realized the rest of my heart was my own again, to use as I pleased. That conversation helped me in so many ways, and it was so good to talk to you about all of it. So today, after more than 10 years, the number came back. Strange, huh? My heart is still mine to use as I please, and I'm very happy with how I've chosen to share it, but you do cross my mind from time to time. I wonder where you are, and how things turned out for you. I wonder if you're happy, if you've found your place. I wonder if you have a family, and if you ever found something to be truly passionate about. I pray that life has given you the best of everything. I may have been young, but I can still say with complete confidence that you are absolutely one of the most amazing and special people that have ever touched my life, and I'm sad to know I may never see you again. I wish I'd given you a hug when I said goodbye. Anyway, I dont know what to say from here, but, um, yeah. I'm thinking about you.


Oh, and you know what I won't ever forget? This:

I love you with a love as still
as a broad river peaceful might,
that goes wandering by tower and lowly mill,
and yet doth ever flow aright.

Still amazes me. :)

Thursday, October 19, 2006


I am sickly and sick this week, and it's no fun at all. Somebody shoot me please.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

WARNING: Picture Overkill. Sorry!

One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to sit in my grandpa's big leather recliner and page through his many photo albums. I borrowed them 4 or 5 years ago, and scanned a bunch of pictures. They sat on a couple cds and I never did anything more with them. I found those cds today!! Lot's of fun stuff...

When I was 8 years old, my Dad, Grandpa and I drove to Mexico. My Dad and grandpa are not typical tourists, and wanted to see the REAL Mexico. It was amazing, even to an 8 year old. I would love to go back, but really can't imagine taking my own 8 year old to those places today. Times have changed in Mexico (and everywhere else too!), and I am incredibly protective of my babies. :)

man fishing


These guys were ever present and really gross. My favorite song was "La Cucharacha" for at least a month after this trip.

one of many beautiful views


Me styling by the pool at a resort somewhere - Yes, I do look like an odd child here. What can I say? It was 1987, I was 8 years old, and I had been riding in the backseat of a car for a week. :)

The festival of guadalupe hidalgo took place while we were there. This boy still sticks in my memory. His grandmother was crawling on her hands and knees through town. The boy was in his socks, as she held his shoes. She had 2 cloths, and as she made it on to one the boys mother would pick up the one behind her and move it in front of her so that she could continue forward. She was crying.

a small town in the mountains - As a kid I always thought this last picture - of the girl - belonged in a National Geographic Magazine. I still kind of do. My grandpa is an awesome photographer, if I do say so myself.

My grandpa picking bananas

This guy was sunbathing in the middle of a jungle road.

A church in Durango

This pool was on top of a hotel in puerto vallarta. That's me swimming, and my dad lounging.

My dad was so embarrasing sometimes, but now this is a treasured memory. We were driving down this gravel road in a rural area, and saw this guy with a cart pulled by donkeys. My dad thought it would be an excellent idea to stop and talk to him and take pictures of me riding the donkeys. We sent copies to the man later. He was very excited.

There is a bank entrance just to the left of where this man was standing. There were guards with machine guns at all the banks we saw. There were also roadblocks in rural areas with many men with machine guns searching cars. I'm sure they were guerillas. I'm not sure of why I wasn't terrified, or why once wasn't enough for my Dad to turn the car around and go home, but I'm glad he didn't.

I learned at an early age what a cruel and disgusting "sport" bullfighting is...

Friday, October 13, 2006

happy happy happy things

I am trying hard to convince myself that today is a happy day, because I am not feeling so happy and really want to be. No more funky funks allowed!!!
To further convince myself, I give you:

31 little things that make me happy...
1. the little round slushy-crunchy ice they have on the ferry and at taco bell.

2. the stamp vending machines at the post office by my house that give change in silver dollars. How cool is that! The tooth fairy is appreciative also.

3. Fridays at Subway. Yes, the tuna sandwich lunch special is lame, but 3 super yummy soft and gooey warm chocolate chip cookies for $1 do make my day happier.

4. Sunshine and cool crisp air on a fall afternoon. It is AWESOME outside today. Now if only I could escape from cubicle-land...

5. authentic southern accents heard in passing - so sweet

6. Hot apple cider with cinammon and nutmeg - the real stuff, from my grandpa's cider press - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I've got a great picture somewhere of he and I working the press when I was about 10. I'll have to find it and add it here.

7. Little girl belly laughs

8. Little girl snuggles

9. Little girl tickles

10. Ok, anything related to my little girls really

11. My little girls are getting big! Ok, so this is kind of bittersweet, but sweet nonetheless - they amaze me every day

12. blackberry cobbler

13. My Sally Hansen lotion that smells like oranges and *doesn't* make my hands break out and itch and burn like all the others

14. Did I mention that I LOVE living in the pacific northwest where I can see amazing views of mountains and water many times every day? OK, so mountains are pretty BIG things, not so little at all, but they put a smile on my face and make my heart sing, so they're here. How many people can really say the place they live in makes their heart sing? Lucky girl, I am.

15. postcards

16. mommy off the record's ROFL awards - I really needed a laugh today :)

17. nwhikers.net

18. this stuff in Plumeria

19. big soft fluffy towels

20. my good sheets - nothing more heavenly than lounging in bed with a good book and amazingly soft smooth sheets

21. starbucks caramel frappuccinos with whipped cream

22. pumpkin scones

23. the last few minutes of dusk when that grey-lavender color hangs in the air and the world winds down

24. creative memories tape runners

25. Wish you were here, sung by Gina Catalino

26. long quiet trails leading to amazing views.

27. peaceful nights laying in my tent down those long quiet trails, away from the world

28. cobalt blue glass

29. baby toes

30. art-o-mat

31. FRIDAY!!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


I want to write something wild and unruly. I want to be inspired and passionate. I want to write and write and write and fill this blog with my soul. That said, some days I can try, and others I just can't. I'm in a funk. I'm bogged down with the day to day and don't seem to have the time or energy mentally to explore what's on my heart and mind here. Ugh. *sigh*

So today, I have nothing profound, or even interesting really. I go to work and come home, go to work and come home, and try to create some semblance of organization in my house full of boxes in between. *sigh*

I'm going on a week and a half now of childcare nightmares. My old babysitter's hubby got a new job. Yay for him! :) Not so Yay for me. The new job means they're rearranging their schedule, which means they're looking for daycare for their own kids, and they can't watch mine after school anymore. My girls last day with them was a week and a half ago, and despite the fact that she gave me ample notice, I was completely unprepared. My mom had implied that she would probably watch them, and sucker that I am, I didn't make alternate plans. She backed out on the same day she was supposed to start watching them, of course. I HATE looking for new daycare. It's a NIGHTMARE trying to find some one I can afford that I feel like I can trust with my babies. I'm sick to my stomach over it. It's just unnatural and wrong to leave my children in the care of some one I don't know, and I don't know anyone looking to commit 2 or 3 hours of their day to watching them. We've had a long string of nightmare babysitters, starting when oldest was 3 months old and the babysitter gave her an adult dose of pepto because she was fussy and she thought she must have a tummy ache. OMG!!! I just don't want to do it any more. The wife of a friend of Dan's offered, and was supposed to start today with them, but she and her husband got in a big fight last night, she left, and she hasn't come back, last i heard. Even if she does come back now, Yeah, THAT's the environment I want my kiddos in. The only option I feel even remotely good about is the YMCA after school program at their school, but the lady who coordinates it won't even return my messages. Do my children have the plague? They really are incredibly well behaved sweet-natured girls! I promise! I am so incredibly frustrated, and I feel so helpless. It's a disgusting feeling for a control freak like me. Rrrrrr... Meanwhile, I'm having to leave work early constantly to pick them up, which means I'm way stressed there too. Urgh. I would give anything to be able to stay home with them again. I could go back to school and work it around their school schedule, I could unpack boxes and have a clean house, I could get back into photography, I could *not* spend all day every day in front of a computer...and my babies wouldn't be with strangers. *sigh*

On a more, um, positive note? I made some awesome spaghetti last night. I'm not a mushroom person at all, but I found myself with a bag of chanterelles in the fridge (picked by a friend - they grow around here). I had never tried them before, and I was really scared that they'd ruin the whole thing for me, all exotic and mushroomy and all, and I'd have to cook separate dinner for myself, but speaking as some one who doesn't really like mushrooms AT ALL, chanterelles are some excellent mushrooms! They have kind of a delicate nutty flavor that TOTALLY made the sauce. Regular sauce will never taste as good now that I've been spoiled. :) *sigh*

Friday, October 06, 2006

A Million Little Pieces

So I finished A Million Little Pieces, and I liked it. There were definitely times towards the end when I had to skip a paragraph or two, bored by the mumbo jumbo, but the story itself is an intriguing one. Now I need to find myself a copy of the sequel to it. I need to know what happens next!!! The ending is a little shocking, though it really shouldn't be. I find myself thankful for the life I've lived and the choices I've made. I don't know if I could be that strong. I also find myself, once again, truly appreciating Dan. He's one of the 15% who are strong enough to stay clean and sober after ending an addiction, and this book has given me a little insight on just how remarkable that truly is. I'm a lucky girl!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Huh? What? Where'd I go?

I've been gone from here forever, Iknow. I'm sorry! I haven't been feeling so great, and I've been incredibly busy. I miss my blog! I'll be back soon, I promise! Meanwhile, thanks, all of you who've stopped by!