Friday, October 20, 2006

To my dearest Matthew,

I had a minor panic attack in your honor today, and I thought you'd get a kick out of hearing about it. You've vanished off the face of the earth, so I can't really tell you about it, but I'll pretend here, ok? I also thought you'd get a kick out of my referring to you as my dearest Matthew. Hee. :) Ok, so you'd probably just think I'm a weirdo and a dork, but whatever. I was driving along on my way to work today, and as I crossed Naval Avenue a number popped into my head. It came out of nowhere and completely blindsided me. I felt as if I'd been hit by a freight train for a brief moment. Do you remember that last real conversation we had before I left? The one by the fireplace. You'd had a drink or two, (dumbass) and we talked more than we had in ages. We talked about the beach, and reasons, and being scared, and I told you how relieved I was the day I realized I had no idea what your phone number was anymore? You seemed almost hurt, though you really shouldn't have been, and I was so happy, because somehow it meant to me that I'd finally begun to let go, to move on, after so long. I wasn't obsessing over my heartache anymore. I knew then and I still know now that you'll always have outright ownership of a piece of my heart, but the moment I figured out I didn't know that number anymore was the moment I really truly realized the rest of my heart was my own again, to use as I pleased. That conversation helped me in so many ways, and it was so good to talk to you about all of it. So today, after more than 10 years, the number came back. Strange, huh? My heart is still mine to use as I please, and I'm very happy with how I've chosen to share it, but you do cross my mind from time to time. I wonder where you are, and how things turned out for you. I wonder if you're happy, if you've found your place. I wonder if you have a family, and if you ever found something to be truly passionate about. I pray that life has given you the best of everything. I may have been young, but I can still say with complete confidence that you are absolutely one of the most amazing and special people that have ever touched my life, and I'm sad to know I may never see you again. I wish I'd given you a hug when I said goodbye. Anyway, I dont know what to say from here, but, um, yeah. I'm thinking about you.


Oh, and you know what I won't ever forget? This:

I love you with a love as still
as a broad river peaceful might,
that goes wandering by tower and lowly mill,
and yet doth ever flow aright.

Still amazes me. :)

1 comment:

glo-girl said...

wow. i loved reading this. what a perfect way to capture a memory and a few thoughts.

i think everyone has a dearest Matthew.

i know i do.