Thursday, November 30, 2006

Goodbye, NaBloPoMo, Goodbye....

And because I can't end all of this NaBloPoMo fun on a note like that, I have to say:

Today was an EXCELLENT day! I seriously and literally did a happy dance around my living room this afternoon. I have been completely stressed out about money for the last couple weeks. Being jobless was bad enough, but being jobless and then suddenly finding I'm a single mother has been flat out sickening. I've sent my resume all over town, applying for every job opening I could find, but I haven't really gotten much response. It's a bad time of year to be searching, ya know? So I got a phone call this afternoon from an employer who found my resume on Monster. I'm not getting my hopes up, and I'm not going to say too much because you just never know, but if this works out, my prayers will definitely have been answered. Things sound really positive, and this job is far more than I ever could have hoped for. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

And really, NaBloPoMo has been excellent for me too. If I hadn't been in the habit of posting every day when all of this happened I may very well have imploded emotionally rather than using this outlet to work through things. I really owe a huge thanks to all of you who have been here supporting me. Your encouragement and kind words have meant so much. NaBloPoMo has pushed my blogging to a new place as well. I want to post every day now. It's good to have this habit, I think.

Just a quick note to the friends of a certain lovely girlfriend...

...who it seems are still reading. Please don't stress yourselves on my account. As I thought I had already made clear, I am tired of drama. Honestly, I've NEVER had any patience for it, and I refuse to make an exception to that now. My energy is better spent on healing my broken heart and creating a better future for myself and for my children. I do have a few choice thoughts in my head when it comes to her, but it's really not worth my time or effort to make them known. It's Dan who has destroyed the family we created together, not her. She just didn't have the decency to refuse. I've said what little I have about her out of anger and frustration, and my "forbidden" post certainly didn't say anything but simple truth. The truth just happens to be more than certain people are able to handle right now, and you know what? I'm ok with that too, because aside from my children, other people's heads really aren't my concern at this point. My goal in life is certainly not to hurt her or to hurt Dan. I do question her morals, but they have no immediate bearing on my life right now, so it really doesn't matter. I choose to focus my attention on more positive things. I am trying to get over all of this and move on with my life as best as I can. I've said before and I'll gladly say again that I do hope above all else that they can be truly happy together. I want nothing more than for Dan to find happiness even if it isn't with me, because I LOVE him. If that happens and they do make it work, I'd much rather have a positive relationship with her than a hateful one.

That said, if you really want to stick around here, please try to put yourself in my shoes, and please consider your motives. This is not the appropriate place to "gather ammo" to protect your friend. I am not an evil bitch. I'm just a girl who has spent 10 years of her life building a family with some one she loved deeply so that it could all be ripped away from her. I've created this blog to have a place to share my thoughts and feelings and to work through what's going on in my head. Right now I'm just grasping at the broken straws in my heart trying to find a way to get through this. I will say things out of anger and frustration here, which also means I'll say things I don't really mean. I may say things you don't like from time to time, and I may even say things I don't like from time to time. Honestly, I already have, but that's ok too because I've been honest about my feelings and that has helped me to come to terms with them. I am a human being, and I have been deeply hurt. If you are here to try to understand, or if you'd like to share another perspective with me, great! I'd like to hear what you have to say and I'd be happy for you to stick around. If you are here to judge me though, please just move along.


The snow really needs to go away now. I'm tired of being stuck at home. The kids haven't been in school since monday. My street is a solid sheet of ice an inch thick. I'd share pictures but my rechargeable batteries have decided they no longer feel like charging for some reason, so my digital camera is a paperweight at the moment. I live at the top of a hill, and listen to people spinning their tires trying to get up it (and failing!) all day long. I feel like a hostage in my own home! I was supposed to chaperone oldest on a field trip to see the nutcracker ballet today but that, of course, has been cancelled too. We are going stircrazy!!!!

On a brighter note though, tomorrow afternoon I run away. I'm driving to Texas with B, and then flying back next Friday. I am so excited to get away for a while, to put some distance between Dan and I and to take some time for myself. It's going to be an incredibly long drive, and I'm going to miss my munchkins, but I think some time for myself (and with a good friend!) is just what I need right now. We are driving south through Oregon and California and then across to Texas, so if you know of anything in that part of the country that we just can't miss seeing, please do share. I love a good road trip!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Peace at last

We sat down and really talked tonight. We didn't fight, and no one cried. He quit being the pain he has been for the last few days and started really communicating again. This is most excellent. We managed to work through the entire custody and visitation situation, child support, and what should happen with the girls should something happen to us. All in one sitting. No major arguments, no screaming and yelling, no hurtful words. I am beyond impressed, and I think we are both happy with the decisions we've reached. I feel a huge sense of relief to be finished with this. Now it's just a matter of making it legal, and we're good.
Let the world know you
as you are,

not as you think you should be.

-Fanny Brice

Good God man!

And for the record, though he told me flat out that I'd never see a dime of child support and he'd work under the table to ensure it, that apparently is not what he meant, because he is an honest and loving person and a committed father, and he said it out of anger. He said it, but I am wrong to repeat it in MY PERSONAL SPACE because it makes him look bad, God forbid, and it's not what he meant. Right. Because I should know that he would never let his children want for anything. Except when he is threatening me to defend the honor of his $!#&*$&#*(lovely new girlfriend)*^$&#%^#&#. Or when he is moving 400 miles away and leaving them heartbroken because being close to his lovely girlfriend is more important than being near his children. Or when he is threatening me. Whatever. GO AWAY, I said. I don't know the person you have become Dan, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't think I like that person very much. The man I loved wouldn't treat his worst enemy like this, much less the girl who he spent 10 years loving and who's heart he just broke. He might have kicked some arse if need be, but when it came to matters of the heart, he had one.

(And for those of you who are new here, please know that it's not you that I am telling to go, unless you are Dan, his lovely new girlfriend, or one of her friends. Lovely, I tell you. I am saying nice things. I apologize for your having to read all of this GARBAGE. By the way, lovely girlfriend, while I'd like you to leave now, you are welcome to come back on January 1st, though just for that day. I've promised not to tell you what I think of you until he is there with you, insecure as you are about being party to the breakup of a family and all, but I'll gladly resurrect my censored post at that time, assuming you are worth the trouble to me by then. Honestly though, my hunch is that you won't be.)

Now enough with this. I am tired of your drama and of this senseless drivel. This is MY blog, it exists for MY use, and I am reclaiming it now to use as I please. The only person with editorial power around here is ME.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

When will this crap ever end? I am so so tired, and I feel so completely violated. Apparently I no longer have the right to express my emotions or to be angry. It doesn't matter what he has done or what she has done. I am supposed to be prim and proper and kiss their asses no matter what, even HERE in MY BLOG, in MY personal space. I am not allowed a place to vent or to work through my emotions, and I am certainly not allowed to say what I think of her or of the likelihood that he will cheat again some day. He's done nothing wrong at all, and either has she, and I am wrong to have feelings or to share those feelings with anyone. She discovered my blog today, by the way. When I found out I prepared a lovely post explaining to her that she was not welcome here and telling her exactly what I thought of her, but I was told that being civil or decent or nice even for the sake of the kids would go out the window if I posted it. I was told that I would never see a dime of child support because he would work under the table forever if I posted it, and he would do everything in his power to make my life miserable. Hello? You already did that, remember? Way to be a stand up father and man though. She is a big girl, and she should understand that what she has done (or what she has supported you in doing) is incredibly wrong and that she has really and profoundly hurt people in the process, and she shouldn't be here reading my private thoughts anyway. How dare you ask me to censor myself?!? I'll do whatever I have to for my children, because they don't deserve to be homeless in addition to being without their father, but you should know, both of you, that I am having very unkind thoughts about you. My opinion of each of you as human beings is far less than pleasant. Honor, respect and integrity count for so much in this world, and you just don't have any of it, either of you. This blog isn't about you. It is about me. This is my space to feel and to breathe and to be, and I choose to share my thoughts and feelings here in this public place because I don't WANT to hide my heart away anymore. I shouldn't HAVE TO be alone in this pain, and I don't want to shut out the people around me anymore. My heart is an open book, and you will not change that. Now go away.

You are not welcome here Nicole.

So it seems that the homewrecking bitch has discovered my blog. My dear friends, I apologize for this outburst, but I can't let it go without saying something. I'm weak like that, you know?

I have refrained from contacting you or communicating with you because I don't think you are worth it. I have refrained from telling you what I think because despite the fact that I don't think there is a single respectable bone in your body, this is Dan's fault. If you had any decency in you you would never have considered starting a relationship with some one who has a FAMILY, but this is still Dan's fault for not being a man and standing up for us, so I've chosen to direct my anger at him. Heh, I do know he's irresistable after all. I HAVE spent TEN YEARS building a life and a family and a future with him. Damned charm. That said, all bets are off if you continue to invade my private space. This is MY space. You don't belong here. This is my outlet to vent, to work through my feelings. This is my place to digest my thoughts and to heal my broken heart. Please don't ever come back here.

And rest easy, sweet Nicole, because you know that statistically once a man has cheated once, he'll never ever do it again, right? Oh wait! He already cheated on you once when you dated him before didn't he? Yeah, good luck with that.
Each moment of the year has
it's own beauty, a picture
which was never seen before,
and which shall never be seen

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

retail therapy

But I only shopped for things that would improve my mental health exponentially, so that makes it ok, right? Heh.

What was first on my list? BOOKS, of course. I made a stop at my favorite local cheap used book store, and found good things. Funny, really, I actually found myself looking at the self help section for the first time ever. No worries though, it all seemed sad and silly and strange, even now, with all I have on my mind. 100 steps to win him back from the other woman while doing an inner tango and other silly titles look just as cheesy and wrong now as they did before I'd been through all this (THANK YOU LORD!). Maybe I'm just cynical, but I had a good laugh anyway. I did find these and am excited about reading each of them:

Next on my list.... New sheets. Soft luxurious new high thread count sheets in that pretty shade of green he would never allow. To go on my bed the day he leaves. It may be hard to lay there alone at night, but at least I'll have soft new sheets. I can't wipe his memory completely from this house, because I treasure his memory and I will always savor my reminiscence of our times together, and because his beautiful children will fill every day of my life, but aside from them I intend fully to put everything that reminds me of him away for a while. Gone will be his scent, his touch, and his face. New pillows are soon to follow. It seems silly to me even now, but I get some comfort regardless from the idea of wrapping myself in a cocoon of newness. It is a little thing, I know, but it symbolizes something far bigger in my heart.

Monday, November 27, 2006


Because today is just a day. I don't have anything I need to pour out of my heart today. I don't need to vent. I don't want to cry. I don't feel a sense of impending doom. You know what?? It's pretty nice.

There were rainbows EVERYWHERE on the way home yesterday. That kind of feels symbolic I guess.

Of course we came home to snow, so, well, you know. These were taken when we got home last night, but we have about 6 inches on the ground now, and I live right at the very top of a hill. Hee.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Home, sweet home.

I just lost a whole post. RRRRR.

I am home finally, and it has never felt better to be home. That was one of the longest holiday weekends I've ever experienced. It's over now, and that is most excellent.

I made a decision this morning. I am stepping off of the rollercoaster. That doesn't mean I don't hurt or I wont cry, but I'm tired of the range of emotions I'm forcing myself to feel, and I'm tired of the drama. Going to Oregon for the last 4 days undid a lot of the healing I had accomplished prior, and I have to fix that. Last night was an absolute nightmare. I am done wallowing in this. I am done feeling helpless and pathetic. I have a new life to start living, a new life to put together, and I am ready to do that now. It's time for me to re-read this post. Um, minus that last paragraph, that is. Best not to read that at all right now.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I am so frustrated. and so tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. Can some one please stop the world? I want off.

Friday, November 24, 2006


I am so f-ing tired of mixed messages and bullshit. Stop taking advantage of the fact that i love you. Dont lead me to believe we have hope and use me and then expect me to have sympathy when shes mad because you finally told her the tiniest sliver of the truth about how you are with me! There is nothing i hate more than having my heart played with aside maybe from this soap opera bs. Her or me. Be a man and make a decision.


Just a quick update because typing on my phone really sucks... Thank you all for your comments. Im incredibly grateful for your support. I knew coming here for thanksgiving was nuts. Maybe subconsciously thats why i didnt post about it before. Im here for my kids though. They were so excited to come. I couldnt deny them their loved ones on thanksgiving and in the mindset i was in before we left there was no way in hell i was letting him bring them here without me. We passed within 5 miles of her house on the way here for gods sake. We fought for much of the way because of him and his phone. Its been an ongoing sore subject for the last week because i do flip out every time he calls her. He promised me a couple days ago that he wouldnt talk to her anymore until he was gone except from work. That was fine until her schedule changed and then it became another promise out the window. Anyway, we were here 10 minutes before I lost control of my emotions and had to leave. I sat in the car trying to get myself together for the sake of my kids. He begged and pleaded for me to come back (huh?) and I wanted to badly but everytime I went to move to get out of the car racking sobs would hit me again and I'd be paralyzed. At some point I gave up on coming back in for dinner because I couldn't stand the idea of ruining it for everyone else. I sat there for a while and decided to blog, hoping to work through some emotion so I could be with my family. First thing I saw was Sjers comment about throwing his phone at his head. Suddenly I was laughing instead of crying. Thankyou Sjer! I love you! You made it possible for me to walk back into this house with a smile on my face and enjoy thanksgiving dinner with my beautiful daughters. Dan walked up to me at the moment I started laughing so I ended up explaining my laughter, and for the rest of the might every time I started to look down he tapped his phone against his head and I was grinning again. The silly psyche of a sad person, huh?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy thanksgiving my dears.

Here's hoping you all have a glorious turkey day with your loved ones.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Mobile posting for the next

Mobile posting for the next few days by the way, spending the holiday with his mom in oregon.


30 minutes into a 6 hr drive trapped in the car with him and they're already texting nonstop. Have an ounce of respect.

Must be strong

Must be strong must be strong must not smack him and throw his phone out the window must be strong must be strong

funny funny

'What will your obituary say?' at

Thanks glo-girl :)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I really want to scream at the top of my lungs right now, and I really need to control myself, because my sweet angels are sleeping down the hall. I love them so much, and it is so unfair that they have to go through all of this. He's here, but he's not really here. He sleeps in the same house as us, but he's rarely home, and when he is he is outside talking to her on the phone. It takes everything I have to continue to say nice things when my daughters ask me where daddy is. Every moment of every day makes it easier for me to let him go. There are times that the idea of him leaving is unbearable, and there are times that I want to hold on to him with all I've got for as long as I can, but there are more and more times now too that I just want to tell him where to shove it.

He had the nerve to tell me tonight that he would like them to come spend the summer with him. I am FREAKING OUT now. I thought we had already been through all of this. I thought we had worked out visitation and custody and the whole thing. I went off. I broke down. I yelled. I cried. I threatened to find a lawyer. I need to breathe. I understand that he loves them and he wants to see them, but he needs to understand that he is the one that is choosing to leave them. It's not like he is moving down the street or across town. If he were, I would fully expect that we would have shared custody and they would see him all of the time. HE is the one that is choosing her over his ability to be a part of their daily lives. I know I am being irrational and selfish, but I guess maybe I feel like I am entitled to that right now, and I guess maybe I don't care that that is the case, because they are my babies and I love them, and nothing else matters. The fact that he is moving 400 miles away and leaving the girls and I behind DOES NOT mean that I have to let them go that far away to be with him for long periods of time. It just doesn't. He is choosing to leave them. That shouldn't mean I have to let go of my daughters too, shouldn't mean I have to be away from them. He can come here any time he wants to see them, and I've already promised them that I'll take them there absolutely any time they want, but I can't and won't just ship them off. I hope I feel differently some day, but right now it's all just too raw. God DAMN it. I feel like I am being so selfish, but at the same time I don't have it in me to feel any other way about this right now. I am not ok with them going there for a WEEKEND without me much less a week or a month or a WHOLE GOD DAMNED SUMMER. I just can't do it. I'll give up my life with him, but I won't give up being with them every day for anything in the world. Urgh. Putting it in writing opens my eyes a little. My babies love their daddy, and I don't ever want to stop them from spending as much time with them as they want to. Ugh. I can't just let them go, but I think I have an apology to make.
So I was looking for that classic "if you love something set it free" quote this morning, and found some variations that made me smile, when listed in my google search results at least. Actually going to those places left me thinking about just how many people there are in this world who's hearts are broken and who feel like life going on is unimaginable, which is depressing, of course, but that momentary smile was still an excellent thing. And you know what else I found that I didn't necessarily expect? People with strength. People who are inspiring. EXCELLENT. Maybe it's the humor of an emotionally f-ed up person at this point, but just in case it's not and you can laugh about these to, here's what I found....

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
(the original, of course, and what I was looking for)

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

“If you love something let it go, and if it comes back - that doesn't mean a damn thing; it can just leave you again later.”

"If you love something, puke on it."

"If You Love Something, Let it Go, then Re-Capture it."

"If You Love Something Leave It Alone"

"if you love something set it open-source (free)"

"If You Love Something, Never Let It Out of Your Goddamned Sight"

"if you love something, feed it lettuce"
(so THAT was the problem. Never could get him to eat a God-damned salad.)

"If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever does comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, it's what you expected in the first place."

"If you love something
set it free,
if it comes back, you're gonna have to feed it
if it doesn't, you probably didn't want it anyway."

"If you love something, let it go. After all, that's why you put the methadone in their milk, right?"

"If you love something let it go...if it doesn't come back hunt it down and kill it."
(I found this here. He kind of seems to be on the other side of a situation like mine, in a way. Interesting read.)

Don't worry Dan, this last one is a little more along the lines of where I'm at right now...

"If you love something, you don’t kill it."

Heh, he told his boss this morning what he is doing and that he'll be gone at the end of the year. I love his boss. He warned him that he should watch for signs that I've purchased a gun, and possibly should remove all sharp knives from the house. No worries there, but it put a smile on my face anyway.

These are other good quotes I found in the process of looking...

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

“Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.”

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile”

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

“Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...”

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you'll be in my heart.”

"The hurt is worth it to me if someone I truly love is being brilliantly and truly themselves. "

"Free Will. It's a disease everybody has. Learn this."

"When they leave us or we leave them, there seems to always be that last unfinished thing, that slender thread of retrieval that only snaps when they find someone else. It also snaps when we find someone else, but we hardly notice it, because we're busy reweaving something new.

It's a terrible thing to see that silvery thread, snapped at the far distant point, come curling back to us. In some senses, we've lowered ourselves into a well and that one last rope is slithering down, cut from above, coiling at our feet.

Damn it. It's not the final cut that kills us, I think, it's the realizing that we had the rope up there in the first place. We didn't even KNOW we had hope and now, the hope that we tried desperately to not depend on has suddenly evaporated.

It is at this exact moment that we feel truly alone."

Monday, November 20, 2006

And another day goes by

Another day closer to Dan leaving. I don't want to count down the days, because I don't want to think about just how few I have remaining with him, but I feel like I am grasping at straws. I feel like I have to make every moment count because there will never be another one. Things are pretty intense between us right now. I wish we could have been more like this (or moments of this, at least) before when we weren't over. I wish I wouldn't have taken him for granted so much in our relationship and savored our life together a little more. Lessons learned I guess, but that's just really hard to swallow right now. I find myself wanting to enjoy every little thing. Just watching him breathe makes my heart ache. As much as I want to stop, as much as I want to be angry and push him away, I can't get enough. I need him to be here and be close while he can, and I need to savor these moments. I'm not in denial, and I know he's going no matter what. I know he loves her. I just don't want to let go until I really have to. And really, that isn't the whole truth either, because I am letting go. I am gradually learning to accept all of this. The fact remains though that I love him with all of my heart, and it would kill me to do anything less than savor every last ounce of what I have left of him while I have it.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

and you know what really pisses me off?

The one time I really cried tonight was when I was talking to Dan about how I hope he really does find happiness. As much as I don't want to admit it, I really hope this works out for him and he can be truly happy, because he so deserves that. DAMN IT!! Why can't I just be mad and hate him. Dan, I love you, and I really do hope that this choice means you can find true happiness. If you don't quit rubbing things in my face I am going to kick your arse, but still. If I wish happiness for anyone in this world it is you. She had better treat you right or I'll kick her arse. I love you. No matter what. No matter what else you may end up being to me, you are my rock. And now I am again officially bawling. Mother fucker. But bawling with mad kung fu skills, because apparently I am up to kicking some arse if need be.

hiccup. hiccup. hiccup!

Wow. Drunken posting. I've reached a new low. Total and complete drunkenness, just for the record. If all my previous soap opera shit didn't scare away the few friends I have this sure as hell will. I am an incredibly dysfunctional and pathetic individual. I sleep in the same bed as the guy who's leaving me for another woman. We do more than sleep. And I don't WANT him to move to the garage for the remainder of his stay beause i need him breathing next to me for as lomng as I can have him there. My friend K. is so right that I should make him go, but I really just don't want to. That would really kill me. Whatever helps for the chick in pain right? Isn't that disgusting and wrong? I am so desperate to hold on to what little I have left that I'll take anything and everything I get, no matter how unhealthy. I'm not the drinking kind of girl beause I'm the child of an alcoholic but we went out together tonight even though he's destroyed my life. I was really scared that I would end up bawling because that's what I do when I drink because of my mom, but I had a blast and I'm drunk on my arse and I'm sad about it because it feels like an end of an era type thing. And really there was never any era of this because I always fely icky about it. I am 27 years old and can easily count on one hand with fingers to spare the number of times I've been out drinking. No more after you are gone though. Tonight was fun but it will never happen again because tomorrow is a new day and soon I won't have him in my life anymore. That makes me want to hurl. And I just fixed like 10 million typos because I can't type when I've been drinking. Thanks, those of you who have commented and shown an interest in my silly little life before all this CRAP. I'll miss you. Yes, I do know this whole drunkenness thing is pathetic and disgusting. I hope in a couple months when I come to terms with reality and start posting about something other than soap opera dribble again you'll still be there. I may not really say it normally, but I LOVE YOU GUYS (and girls). Until then, cheers, and I hope you have incredible and wonderful lives, because that's all that really matters, and because every one of you deserves it. Love the ones you love and don't ever stop no matter what. Don't destroy lives, because it's just not nice or humane. And if you don't run away screaming because I'm a terrible disgusting shame, double cheers to you, hallelujah, and you rock. And for the record, as soon as atheist butthead is gone, I shall have my beautiful childrens (who are staying with grandmama tonight if you are concerned because I would NEVER dirnk around them) in church with me almost every Sunday, because they need to know God, and they need to know he has a plan for all of us and even though life may suck royally and not so graciously, it will all work out in a positive and excellent way in the end. Dan wouldn't allow them to know that, but what the F ever. He's leaving, and it's all good in the house of God, and this will certainly be one. And that is the only thing that gives me hope. That and I'll lose weight and be healthy and love myself, and then I'll find a hot-assed hunka hunka burning love to share my life with, and I'll thank God every day for the shit I'm going through right now because it will have led me to something so much better. Dude, happiness makes the world go round. For at least 15 years now every time I've had an opportunity to make a wish (shooting stars, birthday candles, so on and so forth) all I've ever wished for was HAPPINESS. That's a secret I'm sharing with you because it was always a private inside thing (MATT!) (Yes, the MATT comment is directed at sober tomorrow me). Isn't that sad that someone who was a kid or a teenager would have experienced enough pain that all they would want is something so simple as happinesss? Dude. It's the secret to my life. Shi$&^*&# I have a lot of typos when inebriated. I think I just spelled inebriated while drunk - excellent! I strive for happiness, no matter what or how. I WILL find it, and it will be GLORIOUS. And that comes straight from DRUNK-arsed JENNY, so it has to be true, cause I don't have the common sense to fake being anything else to come across better at this particular moment. And for the record, the waiters who work at Denny's on the graveyard shift f-ing rock. That may have been the best service I ever had, pumping my system full of toast and hashbrowns and moons over my hammy. Food is excellent, and that is incredibly significant because I really haven't eaten anything at all since Tuesday. EXCELLENT. So is this great big bottle of water I'm drinking right now, because I am going to be sooooooooooooooo sick tomorrow. Have an excellent night all of you,. and know that for tonight at least, I feel no pain. I may never dirnk again, because I feel oh so incredibly disgusted about the idea of drowning my sorrows in booze, but for tonight, for the first time since I don't know when, I sleep soundly. Excellent. For tonight at least. Kisses.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Welcome to the twilight zone

Oh. My. He just asked for my advice on what to buy her for christmas. Seriously dude, you've got to be kidding me. I know I'm trying to be understanding about this, but really.
Didn't even realize yesterday was my 100th post. I had planned forever ago to do the obligatory 100 things post for that, but my hundred things wouldn't be such nice ones right now. Maybe 100 ways I'd like to make Dan suffer for being a sack of shit. Of course that doesn't work either because the only reason this hurts me and I want to call him a sack of shit is that I love him. Blech. I don't have much to say today. I'm kind of numb at the moment emotionally, and I'm trying to maintain that for a while. I wrote an angry email to the other woman a little while ago, but I resisted temptation and deleted it instead of sending it. She's a pathetic excuse for a human being for encouraging him, but there is no point in being mad at her. Dan is the moron who couldn't be man enough to honor our relationship and choose his family over her. Whatever. I may start a countdown - number of days until he's gone and I can start really dealing with this. He isn't leaving till the first of the year.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Today my goal is acceptance. Having a reason hurts, but having a reason helps too. It turns this into something I can grasp in some way. It hurts that Dan wasn't a strong enough man to set aside his feelings for her in favor of his family, but it is what it is at this point. Fighting it only pushes him farther away and makes it hurt worse. I've just gotta find a way to get through


Thursday, November 16, 2006

I just dont understand. I really want to just be angry enough that I don't care, but I can't be. I want to just let go and I don't know how. Good for him for following his heart and trying to find happiness. That's something I haven't had the courage to do in 10 years. I don't understand though how he can do it at the expense of his kids. How can he decide consciously that she is more important than his daughters are? If he and I can't be together, ok. That kills me but I'll find a way to work through it. How can he move out of state to be with her though? He says flat out that being with her is more important than being a regular part of his kids lives. He can never be happy here, and his happiness (which translates into his being with her) is more important than being there for his kids. He said that. Literally. Those words. He'd rather have a long distance relationship with his kids than a long distance relationship with someone he dated briefly in highschool. He's continued to lie too. He SWORE to me that he didn't see her this last weekend while he was on his "guys weekend." Oh, except, as it turns out, for when he went to a friends wedding with her that he didn't even tell me about until now, and except for when they were together after the wedding. Oh, yeah.

and the truth comes out

So he didn't just magically fall out of love with me one day. It all makes sense now. He started talking to his highschool sweetheart again about 6 months ago. I was upset at first, but decided I was being silly because I knew he loved me, so I let them talk, and I didn't interfere. It was hard, but I did it because I wanted to respect him and I didn't want to control him or suffocate him. I guess I should have been a bitch after all, because he's in love with her. I suspected all along, but he swore to me that it wasn't true. He says he feels something for her that he's never felt for anyone else. It all makes perfect sense now. Bastard. Why the hell couldn't he have told me this first so I could be mad and let him go instead of being hurt and desperate and unable to give up? All I want is my family back. The best part of it is that in 2 weeks when this pretend trial is over (and it really is pretend - he's making no effort at all) he is moving to Oregon. He's moving 400 miles away to be close to her, leaving his kids behind. He won't be there for them, won't be part of their daily lives. Why can't I just hate him so I can get this over with? Instead I feel like my life is over.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

a short and quiet breath

So I've arranged for a stay of execution again. Why do I feel like I am playing hopscotch over a bed of lava? I land face first and start sinking, and then somehow I manage to jump on to the next square and keep the game going, but with a little less of my heart and my soul and my happiness each time. We are going to give it 2 weeks, and then we are going to re-evaluate the whole thing and decide what to do from there. Anyone got some excellent ideas on how to rekindle a flame thats been doused by a tsunami in 2 weeks time? He doesn't believe there's any chance which certainly doesn't help our odds any, but he's given me 2 weeks anyway, given us 2 weeks anyway. I pray to God it works. I feel almost pathetic for not being able to just let him walk away, but it's just not in me to give up on my family. I can't do it. Especially when I just can't understand why.
I look everywhere for an answer, but there just isn't one. I dont understand at all. Sure, things change, people change. That's a given. Sure, sparks fade over the years. That's a given. Things have gotten so much better for us over the last year though. We stopped fighting, and started communicating. I let go of so much anger and so much frustration and just let things be, because I wanted us to be happy. I wanted him to be happy. How can you commit your life to someone, create a family with someone, plan out the rest of your days with someone, and spend 10 years living that life and building that dream, just to wake up one day to decide you don't love them any more and you want to walk away? How can he just walk away?? I want to understand, and I want to be graceful about it, but I just can't. I can't wrap my head around it at all, and my heart rejects it completely. This whole thing just isn't possible. Will someone please pinch me and wake me up from this nightmare?
Never in my life have I felt so totally and utterly alone. I walked away from everyone and everything I knew to be with Dan 10 years ago. I turned my back to my family and friends and never looked back, because he was worth it. I have put everything I have and everything I am into us. I have spent my entire adult life focused on making our family work, despite our struggles. My entire identity and existence are defined by who I am as part of the family we have created together. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't WANT to imagine my life without him. So how can a person decide after being a FAMILY for TEN YEARS that they just don't care anymore? He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be together, and he doesn't care how I feel or how it affects our children. The last 6 months have been a lie. When he told me last week that he loves me more every day, that he's never been happier or loved me more, and that he was crazy to have ever questioned that, it was a blatant lie. He says he was trying to convince himself. Why is it that when he is such a cold hearted bastard and he doesn't care about me AT ALL all I want is for him to love me? All I want is for him to put his arms around me and mean it, and for us to be happy together. We made a commitment to forever, and I embraced that heart and soul. Every particle of my being hurts right now.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I Can't Make You Love Me

written by Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

And the ones that can know you so well are the ones that can swallow you whole

So I went off searching for an ocean song to complement this post, and found the lyrics to Dar Williams The Ocean. I've always loved that song, and really anything Dar Williams, but really, I want MUSIC, not lyrics, because I'm persnickety like that, so off to YouTube I went. I found John Butler's the ocean, and love it.

That man can really play the guitar! You've really gotta watch it all the way through to fully appreciate his intensity. Can you imagine coming across him playing that on a street corner about 2 minutes into the song? WOW. Those fingernails really freak me out though, even if they are a guitar thing. Not having been able to stop there, of course, I found the song below, and am really diggin it too at the moment.

Now I've gotta go hunt down a CD, damn it!

Anyway, the ocean, um, yeah...

We headed south on Friday, leaving town HOURS late thanks to a little snafoo with the car rental place who forgot to pick B up. (How do you really spell snafoo anyway? Snafoo? Snafu? Ah choo? Oh wait, I know! e-n-t-e-r-p-r-i-s-e!) Traffic was bad, and the rain was coming down incredibly hard, even by northwest standards, so it was a looooooong trip to Eugene and a just slightly scary trip too. We all made it in one piece and dropped the girls off at Dan's mom's house. Thankfully our lack of planning (thanks to my funk last week) worked out ok, and Dan's uncle offered up keys to the family beach house while we were there. Wandering a coast town on a friday night (in the middle of the night, really) looking for a vacancy would have been a serious pain. As much as I really do prefer to just roll with the punches and let the pieces fall where they may, I really do need to plan better next time.

We finally made it to Newport at around 11pm, and once we found the place in the dark and decided we were pretty sure we were at the right house we were good. There were a few unnerving moments when I wasn't entirely sure I was sticking my borrowed key in the right house's lock, but it all worked out. We stayed up late talking and giggling and just generally having fun. We went wandering up and down the beach in the morning, and then shopping at the outlet Mall in Lincoln City, where I bought some kitchen gadgets and 6 (SIX!) pretty new tanktops. In the middle of November. At the coooooold Oregon coast. Whatever. :)

You know that commercial where the guy is standing on a jettee playing his guitar and rocking out and then a big wave hits the jettee and washes over him and everyone laughs? No? No one else knows what I'm talking about either, and I can't find it anywhere, but I know I've seen it. Anyway, that kind of happened to me on Friday night. Sort of. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time, and certainly not while spitting out mouthfuls of saltwater. On our way back from Lincoln City to Newport on Saturday night, we stopped at this little row of giftshops along side 101. The shops are on one side of the street, and there is a single row of parking spaces on the other, directly along side the ocean. There was a narrow sidewalk between the front of the parking spaces, and a knee high rock wall hopefully keeping folks from falling over a 100 or so foot drop down to big rocks and bigger waves. B. was sitting in the car watching these huge waves roll in, and I got out to look over the edge with a group of people that had gathered to stare in awe. I'm not sure I've ever seen waves that big before, even having grown up by the water and having spent a lot of time at the ocean. I guess in hindsight I should have felt some alarm when a wave about twice as big as the others I was watching rolled towards the rocks, but it was just so cool to see that I really didn't think about it. It hit the rocks, and then the wall, and then sprayed so high in the air that it spread clear across the street. Needless to say it got me on it's way.

The car! The rental company may have been slow, but I'm thinking it was worth the wait...

The bridge in Newport

The house

Monday, November 13, 2006

and yet another lame tiny post

I really want to write some great posts right now. I have an excellent vacation to tell about, and some other things on my mind too. Excellent seems to be my word of the week right now by the way. Everything good in life is "excellent." Unfortunately, I started taking some new medication today that's really making me sick, and I just can't sit here long enough to write anything worth while. I really hoped to make it home to post before the waves of nausea set in, but I didn't make it in time, so I'm headed to bed to try to sleep through it. Life is not so excellent on medication who's common and likely side effects are nausea and vomiting. Here's hoping tomorrow is more kind.

Sunday, November 12, 2006


Just got back from the coast a day late, but we had tons of fun. I'm at B's so I'm afraid this will be another microscopic post, but I'll catch up tomorrow from home. We had a blast, and we're contemplating dragging our families back for thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Still at the coast mobile posting

Beautiful day, tons of fun, Lots of pictures to share tomorrow.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Mobile posting

from a dark windy road in rain on the way to the coast. Must post about creepy stuff tomorrow.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

miscellaneous stuff

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Great Gatsby

The Great Gatsby has always been one of my favorite books, and that last line cuts deeply for me because it is so blatantly true.

I'm not giving up on NaBloPoMo. I loved the idea when I first heard about it, and I still do. Maybe forcing myself to write will drag me out of my funk. Thanks Sparklie Sunshine and Mr. Toast for the encouragement!

This weekend was supposed to be my big Olympic Coast hike. I'm sticking it out with NaBloPoMo, but I'm chickening out on my hike. Any other time (if I were myself) I'd be dying to go, but I just can't be motivated to trudge through the mud and rain right now. We've had record rain here this week, and there is flooding all over the place. It's a good time to stay warm and dry. Instead, B. and I are roadtripping it. We're headed to Eugene (about a 400 mile drive) in the morning to drop the kiddos at Dan's mom's house, and then we're going to wander up the Oregon coast and let spontaneity run it's course. (This translates as 'I feel too crappy to think about caring to try to plan ahead right now so we'll just have to end up wherever we do.' Heh.) I'm going to try posting from my cell phone while I'm gone, but I've gotta admit that the whole mobile posting thing is pretty new to me, so if my posts don't show up or they're all funky, I'll fix them when I get back. There *will* be a post for every day, no matter what!!! :)

I've gotta say, be careful what you wish for. I may get frustrated sometimes, but I love my friend B dearly. She's moving out of state at the end of the month, so this weekend is kind of our last hurrah before she's gone, girls night out on crack if you will. Yes, that's a figure of speech. There will be no crack involved. There won't even be alcohol, thanks to my wonderful and evil new prescription drugs. That's a whole new post on it's own though, best saved for another day. Lord knows I'll find myself with nothing to say on another day this month, and there it'll be. I'm really going to miss her! I feel more alone every day.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


I'm debating calling it quits on the whole NaBloPoMo thing. I don't want to quit, but I'm not feeling nearly as warm and fuzzy about blogging since the whole thing started, and that makes me very sad. I'm feeling like I'm blogging just to blog, and that's so not good. I started in on NaBloPoMo because I wanted to be better about posting more often, and because I wanted to push myself to put more time and effort into this blog, but at the moment at least, I'm not feeling like forcing myself to post every day no matter what is a positive thing. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood tonight. I hope so.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The booboo monster

From youngest (who is home sick today) as she climbed into my bed this morning (in her best baby voice): "Mommy, there's a booboo monster in my tummy!"

Heard as she went down the hall to get a drink of water: "Get outta my TUMMY Booboo monster!!! That's MY tummy, not YOUR tummy! Get outta MY TUMMY!!!"

Monday, November 06, 2006

Want to Play Along?

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.

5. Don’t dig for the “coolest” book in your closet! Fess up to the pulpy (and delicious) novel you have sitting on the coffee table!

From One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabrial Garcia Marquez

'He made an effort to get her to recognize him. And Rebecca did take a casual look toward the wall and was paralyzed with stupor, barely able to react and wave goodbye to Arcadio. Arcadio answered her the same way. At that instant the smoking mouths of the rifles were aimed at him and letter by letter he heard the encyclicals that Melquiades had chanted and he heard the lost steps of Santa Sofia de la Piedad, a virgin, in the classroom, and in his nose he felt the same icy hardness that had drawn his attention in the nostrils of the corpse of Remedios. "Oh, God damn it!" he managed to think.'

Thanks Kari!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Hee hee

I broke 1000 visitors today! Hee hee hee hee :)

Whoever you are that visited from Middleton, Oldham, UK today (thankyou sitemeter!) I love you!!!!!! I feel so....visited! :)

in which I tell you of giant monkey-rat-frog creatures

I just had the strangest dream... I don't remember my dreams often, but when I do they are generally wacky.

I was a teenager for some reason. Somehow I knew that I had been all grown up before and it was strange and irritating to be a teenager again. I was in a van full of teenagers, all of us on our way cross country to an airport on the east coast to go to some kind of competition somewhere far away. I'm pretty sure we were headed to Europe. We were driving on a narrow one lane road on a snowy mountain pass, and the driver was a terrible driver. We kept drifting towards icy snowy cliffs, the van moving way too fast. Frequently the wheels of the van would hang partly over the cliffs edge. Frequently we'd be flying towards big banks of trees, and then somehow make the turn, no problem. Somehow I thought the thing to do was just close my eyes, pretend it wasn't happening, breathe deeply and slowly, and have faith that we'd get there and I'd open them again, no worse for wear. This is an art I mastered long ago in real life. I'm a control freak and can't stand to watch the road while others drive, so while I may not close my eyes, I just don't pay any attention to the road or their driving at all, having faith that if I ignore it all somehow my friend or family member that's driving will come through for me, and I'll reach my destination safely. If I watch the road or pay attention to others driving, then things can become stressful or I can become critical, because I know better than anyone how to keep myself safe, of course (rolling my eyes at my own silliness) and we don't want that, now do we? Anyway, back to my dream. Suddenly the van was stopped on top of this snowy stormy hillside, and somehow that seemed to be planned. Somehow this was how we were going to make it to the airport on time. We all donned snow pants, boots, and other miscellaneous warmness that we just happened to have on hand for our trip to the airport to fly to someplace that I now seemed quite sure was a tropical destination. We got out and started sliding down the hillside. The trees were no more than a few feet apart in any place on the hillside, so we'd slide down moving our hands from one trunk to the next to guide ourselves and slow our descents. I got about half way down before I realized I was going to have to climb back *up* this steep stormy hillside in a while to get back to the van, and that wasn't going to be nearly as easy. Ugh. Somehow I didn't really have a choice, so I continued on down the hill. We came to an old decrepit building on the snowy hillside. It was long and narrow, running the length of the hillside and completely blocking our path. Suddenly our expedition seemed almost archeological, and certainly this was intentional. This building was a couple hundred years old, standing firmly in the snow. It was dusty and dirty and creepy, nothing more than a few boards nailed together really. Inside there was one long hallway running down the middle of the length of it. We went in through a strangely shaped door in the side of the building and wandered the hall. Apparently we needed to find some kind of artifact, anything interesting really, for this portion of our trip to be complete. The others went to the left, and I to the right. That portion of the hall was lined in huge cupboard doors that opened to large storage shelves that filled the space between the walkway and the outer wall of the building. I opened cupboard after cupboard, repeatedly finding little more than dust or a few old boards thrown in haphazardly. On the left, after the cupboards, there was a room, open to the hall completely aside from a wall of chicken wire and a little gate. Come to think of it, this building was more like a rickety old stable than a traditional building. Inside , towards the far wall, there was a large plexiglass tank, full of water and the dirt and debris of many years, brown and clouded, with little bitty goldfish swimming all around in it. All I could see was the top surface of the water, right at the top of the plexiglass, which was even with the floor, and the fishies darting around on the surface. in front of it, between it and me, was another tank. The water level was much lower (like the height of a room lower) and the water was crystal clear. There were large frogs in this tank. When I say large I mean that they were a couple feelt long atleast, even in a sitting position. They had faces and heads that resembled that of Curious George, and they were jumping all around. Their bodies were brown and covered with short hair, but they were clearly frogs. They kind of resempled huge rats as well, but they were frogs, ok? Oooooooooooook then. Somehow I had goldfish in my hand that needed to go into the goldfish tank. I threw them through the chicken wire that blocked the opening of the room. Half of them made it in to the fish tank (Score!) but the other half rained down over the frog-monkeys. They became vicious and scary and aggressive, jumping at the chicken wire and snarling, trying to get through to hurt me. I ran on down the hallway, lined with chicken wired rooms with other goldfish (in this building with no heat, with feet of snow outside) and came to a door at the end of the hall, at the end of the building. Out this door was a normal woodland trail. No snow, no rat-frog-monkeys, no teenagers, just now-grown-up me and the trail, the sun filtering down through the trees on a warm afternoon walk. I was happy there. Then I woke up. Ooooook.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

saturday morning blogging?

Oh wait, it's not morning anymore. That's just the kind of morning I've had. 3 posts yesterday - what was I thinking? My brain is a little blank today, but it's day 4 of NaBloPoMo! Must post, must post, must post...

And so I give you....

The view out my front door,

and my pretty fall wreath.

Yes, I do know this is a pathetic post. Yes, I do apologize. Not sitting in front of a computer all day is doing horrible things to my brain, and I just don't know what to say. Maybe if I post silly boring things I won't feel the pressure to post and I'll think up something worthwhile? :)

Friday, November 03, 2006

more happy happy happy things

In a further effort to make myself think in a positive way, I give you things that make me happy, part 2. My list isn't nearly as long today as it was the first time around, but positive thinking is positive thinking right?

oven roasted turkey and mashed tatos
carne asada from that place in Silverdale (mmmm, sounds like a plan for lunch!)
charm bracelets
Old VW Buses
Going to the Movies
Lavender and Rosemary
polyurethane on bare wood (yes, I'm strange)
finally having pictures hung on my new walls (yay!)

um, self portrait friday?

or self portrait midnight, or I-can't-sleep-because-my-brain-is-tossing-my-whole-life-around-and-
I'm-doing-silly-things-to- pass-the-time-like-taking-goofy-pictures friday. or something. Whatever. The side of my head. Me in a bathrobe. Glamourous.

Do you ever feel like you are wasting your life away?

I do. I try so hard to look at everything in a positive way, but I'm just not where I want to be right now, and at times that's really hard to swallow. Financially I don't see any way I can go back to school any time soon, but finding another "for now" job seems like such a huge step in the wrong direction. It feels so wrong I want to run in the opposite direction, fast and far. Where is that though? My last job was supposed to be something to get me by, something to allow me to go back to school and to get back to what I really wanted to do with my life. See how that worked out 3 years later? I'm still here, only maybe worse. My credit is ridiculous, I lost my house, I'm unemployed, and I still don't have the education or experience to get a job doing something that I truly love, or that I can really see taking me somewhere that I want to spend my life. The years are flying by too quickly, and it's because I am letting them. This is not good, not good at all.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I'm tiiiiiiiiiired

I so should have planned this month out, or at least come up with a list of writing ideas. I am exhausted tonight, and I've got nothing. Dan manages a small construction company, and they're coming up short on a deadline this week to finish the building for a new paint store, so I've been there painting this week. Talk about pressure, painting the paint store! I feel like everything's gotta be perfect or else, and I'm not used to being on my feet all day, so it's killing me. I feel so pathetic being sore and tired after doing something as mellow as painting all day!

It was pouring all day today, and the rain is still coming down tonight, but here's a pretty picture taken yesterday morning on the way to take the girls to school while the sun was still half way kind of shining... I'll try to come up with something decent to post about tomorrow. Nothing like putting a little pressure on myself :)

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hee Hee

So today is day 1. Nice! I was in a minor panic last night when I realized that I'm planning to be gone hiking for 5 or 6 days this month, which certainly interferes with my plan to post every day. Ingenuity won out though, and I figured out how I can post from my cell phone, so assuming that I can find a signal I can still post while I'm gone. If that doesn't work out for some reason, I guess I'll have to write posts and post them when I come back. Dang it!!

Heh, on to the important part of this post...The girls had tons of fun last night and ended up with loads of candy even though freezing cold weather cut the night short. We have a long standing tradition now of spending halloween with my friend B. and her boys. We go to her house for chili and cornbread and go off into the cold trick or treating. Unfortunately she's moving to Texas next month, so this may be our last year unless we get on a plane next year and go visit for Halloween. :(

The Devil in disguise and my little clown

Mooooommmmmmy, is it time to gooo yet???

just devilish

goofy Mr. Incredible

The whole gang (and no, my little devil isn't crying here - she's just trying to look most devilish :) )