Wednesday, September 20, 2006

everything comes crashing down

I don't talk about work here. Ever. Period.
Whether I particularly enjoy my job or not, I do value it muchly, and my company enjoys their privacy, as do most.

That said, I think it's pretty safe to say I had a big personal realization at work today. WOW.

I have always been one to resist change. I HATE change. Hate is a strong word, but it's absolutely the appropriate word when it comes to how I feel about major remodels of most aspects of my life. I'd like to think I'm reasonably carefree, and even serendipitous. Open-mindedness is something I really value. The thing is, if I get into a routine, I begin to have certain expectations about that routine, and about the world around me, and it really upsets me sometimes when that gets tossed all about. This is normal and sad, I know.

So what's on my mind lately? Change.

I work for a company that likes change. There are major restructures on a pretty regular basis there. I've always moaned and groaned to myself, and gritted my teeth. I really have come to expect the worst. Even so, I've gotten used to holding on to my hat and going with it, because I don't really have any other choice.

So last week, I was moving my desk to another part of the building. We ALL were moving our desks to other parts of the building, and most were unhappy about it. I took a moment to try to count, and as near as I can figure, this was my 19th desk/office move in the 2 1/2 years I've been there. Something about that is funny to me. I now look forward to my next move, as it seems like it will be an anniversary of sorts - My 20th move!! So while we were moving, a coworker made a comment. He said that "they" say it's actually beneficial to companies to move their employees regularly. The constant change keeps things fresh, and boosts efficiency. It made sense, so I stuffed it away in the back of my head and continued my internal snarling. Smart alec!

I loved my old workspace, buy you know what? I LIKE my new one too. :)

This morning, I was talking with the girl who is now in a rather stressful position that used to be mine. She is doing well, but is still scared that everything is going to come crashing down around her, just as it seems to have for everyone else who has ever had the job. Literally. I found myself telling her that it always crashes eventually, because that's just the nature of things there (Im so nice, I know), but what she does with it and where it takes her is completely up to her. Crashing can be a good thing sometimes, and she shouldn't stress.

Wait?! What? Where did THAT come from? What the H-E-double-hockey-sticks? I had a realization. It's something I already knew, but suddenly I really feel it, and I really believe it. Change is GOOD. That which doesn't kill us really does make us stronger. I LIKE where I am now. I LIKE who I am because of the trials I've endured. I feel GOOD about myself.

Crashing is good. If I hadn't crashed and burned in the position she's in now, I wouldn't be the person I am now, and I wouldn't be happy. I was not a happy person then. I was just really good (or bad) at pretending.

We are just finishing a big move at home too. It's been painful and frustrating. I've felt so defeated by the fact that we just couldn't afford to keep our own home and had to move back to a rental. It's really bothered me. But you know what? I never did feel good about that house. I was sick over it the day I signed the papers to buy it. It just felt like something I had to do. Our new rental house feels good. It feels right. Having some financial freedom feels pretty darned good too. Sometimes sour grapes make the best grape juice.

And you know, if Dan and I hadn't crashed a couple months ago like we did, (and Boy, did we CRASH) we would be miserable together too. We've barely hung on for years and years. I resented his existence and he resented mine. That's not nice to say or easy to say, but it's the truth. Now it's like our relationship is new and fresh again. I realize finally that I really and truly value him. He stopped me as we were getting in to the car the other night after dinner with his boss, threw his arms around me, and told me he was absolutley nutso when he had questioned whether or not he wanted us, and he loves me more and more every day. And you know what? I believe him. And it's a pretty darned good feeling.

Change is good.

Crashing is good.



Catherine said...

I AGREE. Change can be breathtakingly good. This was a beautiful post, Jenny. I'll have to refer back to it when my negativity rash flares up. :)

Spud said...

Amazing. Change is always good and it can make a stale lifestyle fresh again. True love is beautiful.

Jenny said...

You guys are awesome, by the way. I am so bad about following up on comments, but I do love them. Thank you! I had to write it to really convince myself, but this day and this post really have pushed my life around a corner - and it's a turn for the better.