Tuesday, April 24, 2007

And I'll tell my mind that I'm the one who made the mistake

Today is another dreary day. I feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head, following me around wherever I go. I said goodbye last night to someone I care a lot about. That's the second big goodbye I've said this week. There's something to be said for independence, for giving up my security blankets, but does it really have to come at the cost of the presence of those I care about in my life? I know it does in this case, but I don't like it. It's all for the best, I know, but it's not easy. In fact, it's just plain hard. The choices I've made are good, and the choices they've made are good, but it hurts anyway.

Now I stand on my own two feet.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

wandering in the woods

The girls and I went for a drive up to Brown's Creek this morning. I should really have been getting stuff done around the house, but I needed out.

We made funny faces in the car....

and we saw some clearcuts

which made us very sad

throwing rocks in the river helped us to feel better

and then we threw some more rocks in the river

Brooke was feeling especially mischievious

so she went on an island adventure

ooooh, do you see that cave behind her??

when we got home Bobbie sent us pictures of the yummy snocones she and the boys were eating in Texas without us.....

and we were sad again.

The end.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I did it. I got up the nerve just now to tell someone close to me how I felt. It wasn't good stuff. It wasn't easy. In the end I cried, and then I had to pull myself together for my kiddos.

I didn't even know I was really attached until I pushed him away.

Why do I do that?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

random introductions

I'm the girl you bumped into at the grocery store last night. You looked away because I don't fit your ideal.

I'm the girl you turned to when your wife left. When I typed that sentence I accidentally replaced the w with an l. I don't think it was a random mistake. You held my heart in your hands and my body in your bed, and then she came back to you.

I'm the girl who used to wear your ring on my finger. Now my friend wears it.

I'm the girl who taught your sunday school class.

I was the dog washer who used oatmeal almond shampoo on every dog that came through. You thought I was silly and frivolous, but I wasn't telling you I was pregnant and all the other smells made me throw up in the back room.

I'm the girl you taught about chemistry...atoms and molecules, bonds and equations. You taught me about life too. Thankyou.

I'm the girl who drew pretty pictures on the lumber that makes up your walls. 2x4s were better than coloring books when I was a toddler armed with Crayons. My dad built your house, raised me in your house, taught me important things in your house. In my heart it will always be home. It's weird that you live there now.

I'm the girl who bought the 56th cup of coffee you made this morning. Grande Mocha, whip please.

I'm the one who told you God loves you no matter what while I secretly wondered if he even really existed.

I'm the one who followed when you jumped into the sound in the middle of the night. I wouldn't go back to shore until you did, and we froze together, salty and covered with seaweed and tears, until you gave in.

I'm the one who has a bond with him that you've resented all these years. I wish you could know that you shouldn't. Look at our lives now.

I'm the one who gave you that pretty red tricycle. I was 7 and you were 5, and you loved it. My dad wasn't happy.

I'm the one you gave something precious to. You thought it was your song, your machismo, the image you created. I knew all along that that wasn't real, but I knew you gave me your heart. I'm sorry.

I'm the one who's doorstep you showed up on at 2am. You were crying, panicking. I got tangled in my blankets trying to rush down the stairs to you and fell through the window. You think I am heartless. I wish you could know that I can't look at my own 2 hands without seeing your face in those scars, without feeling tears well in my eyes.

Lightning flashed between us once. It was terrifying. We were only sitting a couple feet apart. We were under a tarp in the rain, by a campfire on a mountain. Montana was our playground, the flathead river our soundtrack, neither of us older than 10 or 12. I wonder where life took you.

I am the girl you met on that mine tour when you visited the US. We were 13 or 14. You lived in Edmonton then, and i thought you were exotic. I know it was only a few hours walking with our grandparents, but I was in love with you that whole summer.

You made me a french mix tape. I wanted to know you.

I'm the girl you thought you could touch the stars with. I was lost.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I *heart* Johnny Cash

This song made me cry last night...

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Perfection is the enemy of good enough.

wise words from a friend...

I need to remember this.

How many kids have a cat that will sit and look at baby pictures with them?

Maybe I just have a cheesy sense of humor, but I thought this was the funniest thing...very sweet.

Monday, April 09, 2007

You know, I keep revisiting this today, hoping to find growth and clarity and a way to move forward, and I continue to feel so ill. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. I feel like I am following recklessly a path of self destruction.

Many wonderful things have happened in my life recently. My heart has been touched deeply. I really just need to hold myself together, hold myself together until I can see with some clarity.


You know...it's not to say that my life is terrible or i'm insanely miserable. I just feel reckless. I feel a need to hold myself accountable, to think things through, to make conscious choices about what is right for me. I haven't been good about that. I've thrashed along irregardless of my heart, my soul...in the name of my heart, my soul, so desperate to find whatever it is i am looking for in life. I don't even know what that is.
I know it's become my favorite analogy, but I'm left again today feeling like I need to take a moment to step off of the roller coaster. I feel like I am reckless with my emotion, charging ahead without reason, and the only purpose that could possibly serve is to break my heart. I can't go through that again and again. After all that has happened my instinct clearly is to run wild, to let loose, to let the pieces fall, but I need to come back to myself. I need to find myself again. Cool, calm, collected, reasonable... yet serendipitous. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to dent the soul of another, and I certainly can't set myself up to be hurt again. The only path I can choose has to be the one that's thought out, that's sure, that chooses dignity, peace, passion, sensitivity...

My life is so incongruous.

Monday, April 02, 2007

yep, this really sucks.

I'm so done. I don't want to be, but I don't know how else to be at this point. Patience has never been my strong point anyway, but I've stuck this thing out, and I feel like I've done so for too long. I'm bored with halfway to never. I want here and now, and I want passion. Is that so wrong?

Sunday, April 01, 2007


I've come so far this week in terms of acceptance. I'm trying to decide now if it's growth or insanity. The girls are visiting Dan in Oregon this week. I agreed Friday to let him take him over to his girlfriend's house for a few hours so they could meet her and her kiddos. He does live there, so there will have to be a point when they visit him there I'm sure, and easing them into that has to be a good thing. Yesterday I found myself agreeing to letting them spend the night there with him instead of him having to go back to his mom's house with them at bedtime. His mom lives an hour away and they were having fun playing with her kiddos, and didn't want to leave. Today, I find myself giving in again. He called and told me he had a huge favor to ask. He needed to go to work, and wondered if it would be ok if the girls stayed there with his girlfriend so he wouldn't have to make the 2 hour round trip drive to his mom's house. I said yes. Somehow in 3 days time I've gone from forbidding him to take my children around her even momentarily under any circumstances to letting him leave them alone with her overnight. I understand that I need to differentiate between my urge to protect them and my urge to protect myself. It's a fine line, and one I think I've clearly staggered across a few times in past months. Now I am finding I'm trying to convince myself that I haven't just gone nuts. I love my babies so much. I really hope they are as ok with being there as they say they are. I really wish I could just hold them in my arms right now.