Monday, August 20, 2007

Lucky number eleven?

1. So I've reconfirmed tonight that
a. I would rather carry the weight of the world and my heart and my emotion and the burden of all work everywhere and everything everywhere than ever push anything on anyone else. Really. Seriously. I said it a lot more eloquently the first time tonight, but I'm emotionally spent at this point, so you get what you get
b. I'm stubborn as hell, and would benefit greatly from letting it all go. On both counts really.

2. While I'm at it, I am sensitive as hell, and emotional as hell. Every little thing sets me off. Every little thing triggers an overwhelming rush of emotion. I've cried more in the last month than I have in the last year, and that's saying a lot considering.

3. I never knew I was a jealous person before, and I find myself feeling pangs of jealousy about things I know I really shouldn't feel them about. It's downright dumb, and I am working hard at getting past it.

4. Speaking of jealousy, or not really, I find that I have issues with trust too. I dont distrust the people close to me, but defensive reactions from them about their privacy trigger overwhelming waves of emotion on my part. Again, this is completely expected, and completely logical, I know, but it really pisses me off. I DON'T WANT TO REACT THIS WAY!!!!!! I trust you. I don't care what you are doing. Even so, if you get defensive about it I'm going to flip out, and I'm not going to be able to control that, and there will be tears in large quantities. I'm sorry. I know it's stupid, and it's annoying as hell, but that's just the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

5. Work is

6. Teenage boys eat a lot. Really. A lot. They make lots of messes too. Really. A lot. Holy Jesus, a friggin lot.

7. I have a new friend. He's adopted us. When I think of acquiring a pet, I naturally see myself choosing one of my choosing. Making a choice. You know? God had other plans apparently. There is an adorable, sweet, well behaved, well trained, clean, non-smelly, friendly dog living under the front porch of my new house. He seems to have decided this is home, and he won't leave. He's always there. He guards the house, barks at strangers and squirrels, plays with the kids... The neighbors thought he was ours, and aren't aware of him living anywhere else. My guess is that the previous tenants had him and just hadn't told the landlord about him, because this is definitely his home. We've had a found ad on craigslist for a while now, and have been watching the local newspaper for days. I guess the next step is to take him to a local vet to see if he has an ID chip implanted. If we can't find his real family that way, I guess he stays. I wasn't exactly in the market for a dog, and really had no desire for one, but I think I've become attached, and I kind of hope at this point that he sticks around. Silly, I know, but I am silly, so.. yeah. He's such a sweet little guy! (no, this is not the dog I complained about a couple weeks ago)

8. My prescription for the evil medication from hell ran out months ago, and I put off going to the doctor to get a new one, because... well... because I;m an excellent procrastinator I guess. Time's up. I'm in pain. I called my doctors office last week to find that I'm *too* good a procrastinator. My doctor has retired, and everyone else in her practice has left to join another practice that's a long ways from my new home - in the wrong direction. Tomorrow I have my first visit with a brand spankin doctor in a brand spankin new office, sans medical records as I'm not really sure of how to obtain them from a small town family practice that's no longer existent. I'm sure this means unpleasant tests and jumping throughhoops to reconfirm my diagnosis from scratch. That shall be fun indeed, right?

9. I'm tired. In every way. I'm taking a trip to the beach this weekend. I need to take some time to just breathe.

10. I need to pour my heart into something. I pour my heart out here from time to time, but that's just not enough. Words are not enough. Really, in some ways they only make things worse, because they force me to face my heart head on, and that's not always easy. That's good, but I need something more. I need an outlet to grow, to create, to move forward with something positive, something that is just me, on my own, my heart and soul. I am moving forward in so many ways, and have made drastic changes in almost every aspect of my life, but it's not enough. I need to find an outlet. That's not to say I don't want to put more into my blog too; I do. I want to fill these pages day after day with my soul, let it spill all over the floor. I need some other expression though.

11. I opened the lime sherbet the other night to find this:

No, that doesn't say "I uke you."
Sweetest gesture I've seen in a long time...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Looking at pictures of my girls is almost debilitating right now. They've been at Dan's house visiting for close to 3 weeks. You would think I would get used to them being gone and it wouldn't be so bad, but every day is harder. I feel like a huge chunk of my heart has been ripped out, like it's missing. They should be home this weekend in theory, and that will be most excellent. Corinne calls me every day to tell me she wants to come home, and I don't know what to tell her. The last time she called from there in hysterics I drove all the way down and got them, and they didn't go back for a month. This time I'm thinking I shouldn't (really can't) jump so quickly at her every whim (she told me a week ago that she wanted to spend the rest of the summer there) but it's so hard not to just go get my babies. I really really really just want them both in my arms. I've spent the last week and a half moving, and they've never even seen their new home yet. It's not going to feel like home until they are here. Dan won't bring them to meet me half way till Sunday or Monday, and I don't know how I can swing it myself before then, but it's frustrating all the same.

My mom is missing. For the first time in my life I'm at a point where I want to try to understand, where I want to get past judging what she did, how she made my childhood, and she's gone. She's been living in a hotel in Chehalis (long sad story) and I called 2 nights ago to tell her I moved, and the girl at the front desk told me she doesn't live there anymore, and they don't have a forwarding address or phone number. Her cell phone has been turned off. My brother hasn't heard from her, and either has my grandmother. There is no one else she keeps in touch with, so it's like she's vanished off the face of the earth. I have to hope that she will show up somehow, but I am worried and scared. In a half-assed sort of way I almost feel like I am mourning her, because I just don't know in all honesty if I'll ever see her again. That sounds overly dramatic, but it's how I feel. She's an alcoholic, and she and her alcoholic husband have been on this massive downward spiral over the last couple years. They hop from place to place, job to job, never lasting anywhere for long. They've dabbled in gambling, gotten thrown out of every place they've tried to call home, and alienated everyone they know. They went on a cross country trip that was delayed because one or both of them had to stop and spend some time in jail. My little brother won't speak to her at all, and I've had a tendency to avoid her calls, as it seems sometimes she only calls when she needs money. Reality is that I know that's not true though. I know she needs help, and I know she would like nothing more than to have a good relationship with me and with her grandkids. God, I feel like puking. How will she even find me? I've moved, and I have to assume she's lost my phone number or she would have called to tell me what was going on. CRAP.

The things she's done and the things she's put me through are hard to forgive, and hard to forget. I've said many times that I really just don't think she was meant to be a parent. She never learned to put the needs or desires of another person before her own. As a child that hurt, and as an adult with children of my own it is still just really unfathomable. That said, I'm trying hard to have some perspective right now. My boss made a comment the other day about how crappy her childhood (with her single mom) was, and how she couldn't hold it against her mom because none of us are handed a parenting manual, and we all have to do the best we can. I'm not sure I believe my mom did the best she could, and certainly she didn't later on, as I was older, but I've never really thought before about how things were when I was young. My parents divorced when I was 3, and she was a single mom, on her own, trying to make it work. She worked hard, had a decent job, bought herself a house, really did ok. Who was she then? What snapped in her that made her become the person she is now? She may not have been perfect, but she was strong and intelligent, and she picked up the pieces and made them into a new life, a good life, for herself and for me. I hope she is ok.

Monday, August 06, 2007


1. First day back to work after a good chunk of a week taken off to move. UGH.

2. He told me this morning about the great relationship he has with a female coworker. He tells me in detail about how they sexually harass one another to pass the time. It's all in good fun, and they are goofing around, but he shouldn't tell me these things. My heart can't handle it. My head knows it's no big deal, but my heart knows the world dropped out from under my feet 9 months ago, and I'm fragile. I trust him completely and without a doubt, but I also trusted Dan completely and without a doubt. I helped him find her, because she was an important piece of his past, and I encouraged their friendship, because I loved him and it was important to him, and because I never thought for a moment that he would step out of the bounds of our trust. I'm not generally a jealous person, but I'm definitely overly-sensitive right now, and he really just shouldn’t tell me these things. It’s not even that I care that he has this kind of relationship with this girl. He just really shouldn’t tell me about it. I kind of let it go this morning, kept the smile on my face, tried hard not to let it bother me, but I got to thinking about it on the way home from work, and I struggled, and I cried, and it sucked. I know the right thing to do is to let it go, because it’s nothing, and because I have nothing to be jealous of, and because I know he loves me, and because I don’t ever want to control anyone in any way. It’s just really fucking hard.

3. I had to let our family pets go tonight. 2 cats, 4 years, had to walk away and let them cry. It wasn’t easy in any sense.

4. Got out of the car when I got home, and there was a dumb ass dog crapping in my front yard.

5. Corinne called me crying. She misses me, and she wants to be home. She wouldn’t stop crying, and I’m not sure she is going to until I can get her home. I hate sending them there to visit him so damned much.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

random pictures from my phone, just because...

my pretty green eyes :)

sweet baby...

insert belongings here... overwhelming

my home-to-be