Thursday, June 28, 2007

I have issues, by the way

as if you didn't already know that.

I no longer enjoy Harry Potter movies. I watched the 4th one (Goblet of Fire) night before last with Dave. I spent the first half of the movie really bothered by more grown up Hermione. Something bugged me about her and I couldn't figure out why, and it was just annoying. Flash to the scene at the ball where she walks in... Oh. My. God. She looks so much like Nicole it's not even funny. I had a difficult time watching the rest of the movie. By the end of it my mood was pretty foul. This is ridiculous. I need to let it go - that woman shouldn't irritate me so much. Assuming she and Dan last (debatable, I imagine, but still) I really would like some day to be able to have a decent relationship with her. The fact that we have kids makes it a necessary evil, I guess. And there I go again, calling the idea of being decent with Nicole evil. Whatever. The whole point of this is that if I kind of liked Harry Potter movies before, I really dont care for them now. They are cute and all, but watching that movie was like making a choice to hang out with Nicole as a means of recreation. I think I'll go puke now.


Dan and I stopped fighting and started talking again. This is a good thing. This is a very good thing.

I met him half way last night (5 hours round trip) so that the girls could go spend a week with him. They are going to a family get together over the weekend and through the 4th at the coast house. He's taking Nicole and her girls, and that feels so so strange to me. I knwo they are togather, and I might even be happy that they are together, but at the same time, his family is my family, and it fdeels like she stepped in and assumed my identity, took my place in my own family. It's a really weird feeling, and not an altogether pleasant one. I miss Dan's family a lot, and I don't really even talk to them now. I spoke to his mom for a few minutes the other night, but she is so sensitive when it comes to him that it's difficult to have a conversation with her. I don't have to say anything *about* him at all - the moment his name comes up in conversation she rushes me off of the phone, even if she is the one to bring up his name. Damn it woman, you are my family!

I miss the girls. A lot. I know this is only the first morning, and I know they have gone there to visit many times before, but only once for this long, and not at all for quite a while now because he hasnt been up to it. I don't think I realize fully how much a part of me they are until they are away. I feel empty, incomplete. So much of what I say and do and feel and live is for them or influenced by them. I am a shell when they are not here. I can move and live and breathe and even have fun without them, but I am not myself, and I am not complete, and I feel like I am living a life other than my own. I don't like it. I miss my babies. I can't wait for them to come home.

I'm off to work now... I do love my job. That's something I guess.

Monday, June 25, 2007

In chronological order, in hopes of avoiding meltdown

I watched the 3rd Harry Potter movie last night. I'm not sure I think the plot is all that exceptional, but there's something about those kids, a certain charm if you will. Really I would bet that the books are good too... movies made from books always miss so much. Good stuff.

I woke up this morning before my alarm went off, refreshed, awake, ready to start the day. This is SO not me. I am emphatically not a morning person, as much as I might like to be. This is happening all too much lately.

Work was good today. It was a really busy day, but that didn't even bother me so much, because it all worked, all fit together, all was like clockwork. I solved problem after problem, worked puzzle after puzzle, and really accomplished a lot. That feels good.

I went to Costco after work with Dave. It was ok, or as ok as a trip to Costco can be. He told me about how if you soak a piece of Pork in Coke worms will come out of I was putting porkchops in my cart. Great.

Mr. Shoulders called me tonight. What the hell is wrong with me? He told me he missed me. I was reminded of his amazing smell (I'm such a dumb girl - total sucker for a nice smelling man). He brought up the night we kissed in the rain. These are not things I should be thinking about. These are emphatically not things I should be thinking about. He is not right for me, and he is not healthy for me, but there's just something about him...Ugh.

He says I've been the only one since she left him. I'm not sure I believe him, but regardless it makes me think about myself, my own choices. I think the largest thing I've drawn from this whole ordeal, sadly, is that I've lost any and all sense of reality where relationships are concerned. My heart is a joke and everything is randomw and intangible. Love has been cheapened, and I've cheapened myself. It's gone from something sacred and amazing in my heart, in my soul, in my mind, to something meaningless and fleeting. Who cares who, what, when, how, because it all comes and goes anyway, and nothing ever really truly means anything anyway. Pathetic and lost. I don't mean that. I want real love, love that lasts forever. I want it so badly. I'm just not sure if I believe it's real anymore.

I miss him. his smell. kisses in the rain. Not all the time, but in this moment.

2 sights on I-5 knocked the wind out of me tonight.

We came around a corner and head on into a view of Mt. Rainier that was absolutely stunning. I wish I had had my camera along. Huge, close, amazing...snow covered, pink and orange with the sunset, thoroughly breathtaking. THIS is why I live here. This is why Washington is home. These views feed my soul, keep me sane, human, grounded, breathing.

Up the road we passed a semi hauling chickens. Hundreds upon hundreds were stuffed into cages together, no room to move, Nasty dirty scraggly white feathers blowing in the wind, the birds looking half bare. The roasted chicken I ate for dinner churned in my stomach. How can I put that in my body> How can I support the practice of treating living breathing animals that way? How can I be a part of that? What the hell is wrong with me? I was a vegetarian when Dan and I met. I let him tempt me with burgers and steaks. I think I may become a vegetarian again.

Dan called tonight. He hasn't seen the girls in a month and a half. He has yet to pay any child support. Any. At all. He has no job, lives on welfare, can't pay his bills, and has no means to help transport his kids hundreds of miles to his home so that they can visit him. He had the nerve to tell me he doesn't think I have their best interest at heart. He thinks this because I've let them meet and spend time with Dave, who he admits seems like a decent guy. I am apparently supposed to live in a cave with them, never interact with other human beings, and never ever let them meet anyone new again. If I cant be very strict about this I am an unfit mother and should send them to live with him. I am angry, and I am hurt, and I am terrified. I don't know what to do or how to react. I don't see what I can do to make the situation better. There's nothing I can do reasonably to make him happy. There's nothing I can do legally to protect my rights or those of my children that won't just make him angry and make the situation worse overall. All I can do is sit here and take his crap, sit here and worry, sit here and try not to panic. I love my kids so much. Nothing else really matters but them. I've been depressed for days at the prospect of letting them spend some extended time with him this summer. I worry about them, and I hate the idea of being away from them for so long. Now I have a whole new host of stresses and worries. I dont understand how he can go so quickly from being the man who loves me, who shares his life with me, who will be with me every day for the rest of our lives, to being someone so hateful, so nasty. It's not like I cheated on him, I hurt him, I betrayed him... HE DID THIS, and I've been nothing but nice about it because I am stupid and crazy, and he still has the nerve to get nasty. I want to cry, and I want to scream, and I want to burst into a million little pieces.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


I could hear the defeat in his voice today, hear the frustration and the pain when he told me. It was like a kick in the stomach for me. It's so hard to grasp. My life is coming together, and I don't worry about money anymore, don't worry about material things at all. Years and years have passed since I had to be concerned about whether we would have enough to eat or have a roof over our heads. These are things I take for granted. Is it odd that even though he chose the life he has, chose to do what he did, and devastated me so completely in the process, I feel almost guilty for having a good life now while he struggles? I have to remind myself that I didn't do this. I didn't choose this for him. It's hard to see though, hard not to feel bad. I have to wonder what's going through his head, how he feels now about the choices he has made. I haven't talked much here about what's happening in his life because I've really made an effort to detach myself, but as someone who cares about him as a person, it's hard to watch. It makes my heart ache, makes me sad. It's not that I wish he hadn't gone (I dont) but it hurts me to see him like this, to know where he is in life now. It's not right.
My blogging has been ridiculous lately. Non-existent even. I still haven't gotten film developed, and haven't had time to breathe since I've been back. Life is hectic, but in a good way for the most part. Some favorite California pics from my cellphone below...

Sunday, June 17, 2007


I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue has tied off

My brain's repeating
"If you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Bop ba, this is the sound of settling
Bop ba, Bop ba

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And I can't wait to go gray

And I'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been
If I'd only thought of something charming to say.

Bop ba, this is the sound of settling
Bop ba, Bop ba

i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

pictures of the day

Yep, that's me. Big excitement, I tell ya!

me in reading glasses..

A certain talented child-poet I know...

What a freakin beautiful sunset we had last night...This picture doesn't begin to do this particular view justice either. Those mountains you can barely make out? Along the line between sky and water? HUGE, IN YOUR FACE, snow-capped, rugged AMAZING. THIS is exactly why I choose to live here. It's BEAUTIFUL! :)

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

fun times

All kinds of things going through my head, and I really haven't had time to write in days. Do you know that I bought a magazine that I wanted to read 2 months ago and havent even had time to open it yet, much less read it? This is ridiculous. I did start in on a book a good blog friend sent my way while I was on the plane wandering the country, (Thanks again Neal! You are awesome! I'm loving it so far!) but that's been the extent of my spare time. Ok, that's not true. I should say that's been the extent of my spare alone time. I have had some good company lately, and have some great friends. I also had a great time on my trip. Texas was beautiful, as always, San Diego was nice, and the drive up the California coast was AWESOME. Those are some beautiful beaches!! Pictures to follow when I get around to getting them developed, cause I left my digital camera at home. I
have a few from my cell phone but they don't begin to do the trip justice.

I have a million trillion thoughts in my head and it's all ridiculous turmoil. I hate that. There's a quote from the book I'm reading that really hit home for me, but I don't have it with me. I read it a couple weeks ago, and have carried the idea around in my head since. It pokes at me continually because it makes so much freakin sense. I wish I could remember the exact words, but I'll grab it later tonight when I have the book handy. The book is basically a memoir, and it tells an interesting story. The line I'm thinking of says something to the effect that starting a relationship in the middle of your life seems unnatural because you are not fresh and new in terms of relationships. It's like writing a book, starting in the middle, finishing the book from there without ever writing a beginning, missing the basic plot structure because of it. The idea of living happily ever after now, with some one new, is just weird, because who I am, what I am, how I am is made up of the experience I've had thus far, and that's not experience I share with anyone but Dan. That's not to say I want to be with him by any means, but I guess this idea, this thought just clicks for me. It makes sense. That's not to say I have any intention of being alone, and in fact I haven't been alone lately, and it's been really nice. I guess thinking things through just really helps me to come to terms with my feelings, with why I react the way I do. Who I am is a product of the life I've lived. It's a product of my growth and adaptation over the last 10 years. I molded myself into a person that worked well with Dan, changed as I grew with him, developed habits, tastes, characteristics that were appropriate to my life with him. Now I have to figure out how to mold myself into a person that works well without Dan.

Random Jenny fact for the day:

I really don't care for super-sweet fruity little drinks. At all. As much as it doesn't seem proper, my drink of choice is definitely

I watched Grease the other night. I hadn't seen it since Highschool when I LOVED it. I am seeing now that it's a really freakin bizarre movie. I'm not sure I mean that in a good way, either.