Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I could hear the defeat in his voice today, hear the frustration and the pain when he told me. It was like a kick in the stomach for me. It's so hard to grasp. My life is coming together, and I don't worry about money anymore, don't worry about material things at all. Years and years have passed since I had to be concerned about whether we would have enough to eat or have a roof over our heads. These are things I take for granted. Is it odd that even though he chose the life he has, chose to do what he did, and devastated me so completely in the process, I feel almost guilty for having a good life now while he struggles? I have to remind myself that I didn't do this. I didn't choose this for him. It's hard to see though, hard not to feel bad. I have to wonder what's going through his head, how he feels now about the choices he has made. I haven't talked much here about what's happening in his life because I've really made an effort to detach myself, but as someone who cares about him as a person, it's hard to watch. It makes my heart ache, makes me sad. It's not that I wish he hadn't gone (I dont) but it hurts me to see him like this, to know where he is in life now. It's not right.