Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Those are some scary odds.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I am going to join the gym down the street from my office. I'm saying it here so maybe it'll force me to be accountable for it and follow through. It's within walking distance, so I don't see any reason I shouldn't be able to go at lunch a few times a week, and I think I'll feel so much better about myself for it. So that's the plan. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, whipping my butt into shape. I've lost 35 pounds in the last 2 months. Actually I've lost 40, but I gained 5 back. I've gotta keep that trend going in the other direction, and gotta hold myself to this.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
dan. I miss him. I'm so desperate to fill this big gaping hole he left
in my life, and that's absolutely ridiculous because no one ever can
or will. There may be a new place for someone some day, but no one can
ever fill his place because no one can be him, can be what he is to me
after spending every day of the last ten years with him. Nothing like
going to bed feeling ok about things and waking up crying. I miss him
so much. He's supposed to be here for the rest of my life. This crap
isn't supposed to happen.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
Speaking of my little angel, today she turns 7!!! She is getting so big, so old!
Happy Birthday baby!!
Friday, January 19, 2007
I guess I really just didn't want to face the day today. I think
it'll be ok though. I told Dan last night that I want a night to
myself tonight. He's staying with the girls when he gets here, and
I'm going to go somewhere and do something and have lots of fun. I
need to let loose a little and I need to spend some time with other
adults somewhere other than work. The girls need some one on one (2
on 1, I guess) time with their daddy, so I think it will be a good
thing. Heh, that and I'm not sure I want to face him and deal with him
tonight. I'm not sure it would be a good thing for the girls if their
visit with him started out with an awkward evening with him and I.
I'm sure we'll end up spending most of the weekend together with the
girls, and I think we'll all be ok with that, but I need a night for
me first. Yes, I'm a chicken and I'm running away. Besides, a night
with Mr. shoulders might help relieve some stress, right? Either that
or it will cause more, but whatever. I'm just lost here really, but
I'm confident now that I'll get myself together eventually, so that's
So I've been thinking this thing lately, not liking it but thinking
it's right anyway. I need to get better at standing on my own 2 feet.
This whole thing with Dan is really hard, but in many ways I think
it's the best thing that could have happened to me. I've been with
him my entire adult life. I've never been alone, and I've never
really learned to stand on my own 2 feet emotionally. I've always had
someone there, always had a crutch. There's always been someone there to hold me, to help me, to calm me, to make everything ok. I find
myself looking for that again now, looking for someone, anyone to fill
that place so that I don't have to be alone. The thing is, I think
maybe I need to be alone. I don't like it and I don't want to admit
it, but I think it's important anyway. I'm not saying I can't have
anyone in my life, but I think I need to learn not to rely on anyone
else for my emotional wellbeing. I need to find more strength in
myself so that I can have healthier relationships with others.
Funny thing is I think it's Mr. Shoulders who made me realize that.
He's been sweet and kind, and at the same time he's given me an
incredible amount of space, and I've found that drives me nuts because
I don't want space. He's got it right though. I need space, and I
don't need anything serious or demanding. I need to stand on my own
two feet, and I need to learn to be happy by myself. Casual and free
are good things. Friendship without strings is a good thing. What's
funny too is that if he were smothering me, if he were there every day
all the time filling in as that crutch, I think I would run screaming.
I would push him away because I know I'm not ready for that. He is
doing the right thing in letting this be casual, in keeping things
light, and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. How screwy is that?
I just had a sad, sad thought. I think my whole life has been one big
breakup and rebound. Every relationship I have had since I was 16
years old has been a rebound relationship. I get my heart broken or I
decide I don't like something about the relationship I'm in and I run
away from it, straight into someone else's arms. Matt and I parted
ways, and it killed me. E. comforted me, and there I was. I decided
E wasn't healthy for me, so I walked away and fell into J's arms soon
after. I had this terrible string of relationships because I couldn't
stand being alone. I went back to the same unhealthy relationships
again and again because I was weak. I literally had to leave the state
to break that cycle and get away from all of them. I felt so good,
and I was so proud to be standing on my own 2 feet. I remember
telling J how sorry I was, but that I needed to learn to be
independent, needed to be strong on my own, needed to figure out who I really was for me. I had never felt better. A month later I was with
Dan. A year later we had a daughter, and a family, and a life
together, and I never looked back or thought about it again. Whoah
I'm thinking now.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
that I experience unwillingly in the course of a day is overwhelming
Dan passed through a town this afternoon that we spent some time
together in when we first met. He felt the need to blindside me with
pictures. Damned picture messaging. I think he just thought it was a
cool memory, interesting to see how places have changed over the
years, but I lost it. Nothing like bawling at my desk in the middle
of a work day - very professional, I tell you.
I remember that place like it was yesterday. I remember specific
moments, conversations, expressions... sitting at that table at A&W,
fascinated by their weird intercom-pushbutton ordering thingy, feeling
like we were sitting in a little piece of the past. I remember the
brown naugahyde seats, the worn tables, his smile, his jokes, his
beautiful blue eyes that I see now every time I look at our youngest
daughter. I remember the tired waitress, looking far from thrilled to
see us all, obviously wishing she were anywhere but there. I remember
walking the streets of that town, killing time, exploring each other's
personalities and just being. I remember thinking then that I wished
circumstances could be different, thinking I felt for him something I
didn't think I could feel, something I didn't want to let go of. He
was sweet and funny and handsome. He was real and good and different.
He was unlike any guy I'd ever met in so many ways. I remember
working hard, pushing past limits, drinking warm gatorade and eating
smooshed pb&j sandwiches together, collapsing in a pile of exhaustion
and laughter together day after day, complete bliss even in the stench
of 13 adolescents who had worked for days like they never had before.
I remember saying goodbye and my heart screaming. I remember getting
that call from him out of the blue just days later, telling me he was
just miles from my house - hundreds from his own - because he had to
see me again. I remember him pouring his heart out to me on the patio
by the water in a way I never thought anyone could or should or would,
remember being terrified and touched and truly in love. I remember
minute details about it, like the cracks in the patio that I stared
down at as he spoke, the grass growing up through them, the ripples on
the water, the lupine blowing in the wind, Hotel California by the
Eagles wafting out from the basement. I remember smells, sounds,
moments, feelings, all like it happened 5 minutes ago. I would give
anything in this world to go back to those days, those moments, to be
able to live it all again. I'd gladly take the bad too to just feel
that good we shared again.
We had a good 10 years. I don't know why we are where we are now, but
I am so thankful for the last 10 years. They've been amazing. Things
are so wrong now, so twisted. I still feel like I'm walking through a
dream, expecting to wake up at any moment, because this couldn't be my
Did I tell you I had a dream in a dream the other night? I had this
weird dream, woke up from it, and wanted to blog about it. Somehow I
though I could copy and paste the story instead of having to type it
out, but I just couldn't make it work, because the story was written
in silverware on the table and it wouldn't select right. (Huh?) Then
I woke up to youngest crawling into my bed to snuggle. How many
layers deep can dreams be? Can I dream in my dream in my dream?
Somehow I don't think so. All of this crap is entirely too real.
I thought about my friend J last night for the first time in a long
time, and it left me spiraling into a funky depression. I'm good at
that these days, I know, but when it comes to him...
I don't even know what to say or how to say it. He was my best friend
and my big brother. He stood beside me through so much, and I stood
beside him through so much. There came a messy complicated point
where I had to walk away from him completely to make things work with
Dan, and I did it because my life with Dan was worth giving up
anything and everything else for, but he has been such a painful
memory since. I've wished for so long that things could be different,
wished that I could have my friend back, have my brother back. S
showed me pictures of his beautiful children last night, and it was
all I could do not to cry. 10 years is so long, and we've missed so
much of each other's lives not being friends. I feel like crap about
it. I want my friend back so badly, and I'm not sure that's even a
remote possibility any more. It sucks.
I can't wallow in this crap. I need to find a way to pull myself out
of this, to make positive choices and positive changes, to piece my
life back together, or to create a new life for myself that isn't
filled with so much pain. I can do this. Life is too short to spend
it like this. All I want to do is enjoy it, and to share it with the
people that I care about.
Warmth, tenderness, the intoxicating scent of closeness...tracing the lines of his shoulder blades softly with my fingertips, cocooned in his warmth, in his arms...
I know it's far too much and it's far too soon for both of us, but he knows it too, and he hesitates as much as I do. I know we probably aren't right for each other, but I don't really care. It feels so damned good just to be close to someone, to really talk to someone, to escape my loneliness for a few hours. Is that bad?
My desk shakes when the ferry docks. Reminds me of a t-shirt I saw yesterday...
Was that an earthquake, or did I just ROCK your world?
I miss my blog.
M, you were right. It really is better when you keep your socks on, cause your feet stay warm.
Youngest is doing infinitely better also. She misses her daddy, and she is definitely having a hard time with that, but she is doing better. She is getting out of bed in the morning again, functioning, talking, playing, enjoying school, and having fun. I am immensely relieved. I love my baby!
I've gotta say I really do have the greatest kids. I took them shopping yesterday because they had Christmas money burning holes in their pockets, and the one place they wanted to go more than anywhere else was Barnes & Noble (Hallelujah! I have done something right! :) ). Oldest got an awesome craft book, and youngest got Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk ends and A Light in the Attic. Excellent.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
weird, weird, or maybe
painful, confusing, or nothing
laughter, passion, or something
squirmy, ashamed, or right
untouchable, unsure, or nervous
memories, new beginnings, or hope
sorrow, wonderful incredible silliness, or loneliness
There are more than 2 sides to every story. It's hard to know which direction to take mine in. These comparisons get me nowhere.
What do you do when your intuition is at cross-purposes with itself?
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I want to start thinking about New years resolutions. It's a little late, I know, but I know there are changes I want and need to make to my life and the way I live it, and I think focusing on defining what those changes are and then following through with them might help pull me out of this big ugly black hole I'm in. There are obvious goals, like the ones involving debt, diet, excercise, clutter, etc., but I think there are some deeper things I should be thinking about too.