Friday, January 19, 2007

blah blah blah, blablah blah blah

I could not for the life of me force myself out of bed this morning.
I guess I really just didn't want to face the day today. I think
it'll be ok though. I told Dan last night that I want a night to
myself tonight. He's staying with the girls when he gets here, and
I'm going to go somewhere and do something and have lots of fun. I
need to let loose a little and I need to spend some time with other
adults somewhere other than work. The girls need some one on one (2
on 1, I guess) time with their daddy, so I think it will be a good
thing. Heh, that and I'm not sure I want to face him and deal with him
tonight. I'm not sure it would be a good thing for the girls if their
visit with him started out with an awkward evening with him and I.
I'm sure we'll end up spending most of the weekend together with the
girls, and I think we'll all be ok with that, but I need a night for
me first. Yes, I'm a chicken and I'm running away. Besides, a night
with Mr. shoulders might help relieve some stress, right? Either that
or it will cause more, but whatever. I'm just lost here really, but
I'm confident now that I'll get myself together eventually, so that's

So I've been thinking this thing lately, not liking it but thinking
it's right anyway. I need to get better at standing on my own 2 feet.
This whole thing with Dan is really hard, but in many ways I think
it's the best thing that could have happened to me. I've been with
him my entire adult life. I've never been alone, and I've never
really learned to stand on my own 2 feet emotionally. I've always had
someone there, always had a crutch. There's always been someone there to hold me, to help me, to calm me, to make everything ok. I find
myself looking for that again now, looking for someone, anyone to fill
that place so that I don't have to be alone. The thing is, I think
maybe I need to be alone. I don't like it and I don't want to admit
it, but I think it's important anyway. I'm not saying I can't have
anyone in my life, but I think I need to learn not to rely on anyone
else for my emotional wellbeing. I need to find more strength in
myself so that I can have healthier relationships with others.
Funny thing is I think it's Mr. Shoulders who made me realize that.
He's been sweet and kind, and at the same time he's given me an
incredible amount of space, and I've found that drives me nuts because
I don't want space. He's got it right though. I need space, and I
don't need anything serious or demanding. I need to stand on my own
two feet, and I need to learn to be happy by myself. Casual and free
are good things. Friendship without strings is a good thing. What's
funny too is that if he were smothering me, if he were there every day
all the time filling in as that crutch, I think I would run screaming.
I would push him away because I know I'm not ready for that. He is
doing the right thing in letting this be casual, in keeping things
light, and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. How screwy is that?

I just had a sad, sad thought. I think my whole life has been one big
breakup and rebound. Every relationship I have had since I was 16
years old has been a rebound relationship. I get my heart broken or I
decide I don't like something about the relationship I'm in and I run
away from it, straight into someone else's arms. Matt and I parted
ways, and it killed me. E. comforted me, and there I was. I decided
E wasn't healthy for me, so I walked away and fell into J's arms soon
after. I had this terrible string of relationships because I couldn't
stand being alone. I went back to the same unhealthy relationships
again and again because I was weak. I literally had to leave the state
to break that cycle and get away from all of them. I felt so good,
and I was so proud to be standing on my own 2 feet. I remember
telling J how sorry I was, but that I needed to learn to be
independent, needed to be strong on my own, needed to figure out who I really was for me. I had never felt better. A month later I was with
Dan. A year later we had a daughter, and a family, and a life
together, and I never looked back or thought about it again. Whoah

I'm thinking now.


Sonia said...

Sounds like you are doing some pretty heavy thinking. GOOD FOR YOU!! I think it would do you GREAT to be alone for a while. Sounds bad....but it will be for the best. One of my dearest friends read a book thru her divorce, that helped her out alot...and when I ask her the title...I'll let ya know. I think you would enjoy it.

Jenny said...

Thanks Sonia! I agree! The book title would be great too - I've got to keep myself focused on and thinking about the right things right now.