Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Do you suppose cauliflower really has any nutritional value?

I hurt today. I guess my mind catches on weird things when I can't concentrate on reality. The all-knowing web says it's full of vitamin C, Vitamin K, Vitamin B6, Folate, Pantothenic Acid Protein, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Phosphorus, Potassium and Manganese. I'm not sure I buy it. It's plain, colorless, and practically tasteless. How could it possibly be that good for you?

Just as an aside, aren't vitamin K and potassium the same damned thing? Silly interwebs....

Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm over it.

I don't know why I let myself get so caught up in emotion. It's silly really. I have all the time in the world to find the life I want to live. I get so caught up in the here and now, in making this moment count like it's the last, and in some ways that's good, but in other ways it's really bad. It doesn't matter if it happens today, or tomorrow, or in 5 years, as long as I am making a point to enjoy every day. I like M a lot, and if it works out, that is EXCELLENT, but if it doesn't, there are many many other fish in the sea. If it's meant to be then it will happen. If not, then I've met someone amazing, made a great friendship, and learned some things about patience and about myself as a person. Every day is an experiment in being "single," ya know? That's still something pretty new and weird to me, and I'm not so sure I know what I'm doing yet. Regardless, life is good.

I spent this last weekend in Cannon Beach all by my lonesome. I was worried that I would have a hard time being alone, but it was great fun. I hung out at the beach watching surfers for a good chunk of Saturday, went hiking saturday afternoon, stayed at the hikers camp on the trail that runs between Cannon Beach and Seaside saturday night, and hiked out Sunday morning. I had fish and chips at the seafood market in Cannon beach for lunch yesterday, wandered the outlet mall in Seaside in the afternoon, met Dan to pick up the girls, and made it home by 9 last night. I'm used to sore feet and legs after a hike, and sometimes even a sore back, but holy cow my butt hurts! It's kind of a funny feeling. :)




Wednesday, March 14, 2007

a comedy of errors

I just had an IM conversation with Dan's girlfriend pretending to be him. It's insane to me that I could tell in so few (misspelled) words that she wasn't him. Funny stuff.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

undone at the seams

I feel...amiss. amess. a big ol whoppin rats nest of emotion. Here's where I lay it all on the line and hang my head in shame. Or confusion. Or strength. Or something. Maybe. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I've been doing. I don't like feeling the way I do.

Dan's been gone for a little more than 2 months now. Our romantic relationship effectively ended a little more than 3 months ago now. We are good friends, and we are squabbling children. We share important things, we support one another, we talk about big things and little things, and we fight about petty garbage. I think it's a pretty good arrangement considering the circumstances that created it.

Matters of the heart rule my mind, and that's annoying. I really want to just live my life and not care.

When he left, I found myself feeling incredibly, utterly, and devastatingly alone. I felt like I was drowning, suffocating, like I couldn't exist or have peace without having someone to be close to.

A friend of his was going through the same thing with his wife at the same time. We talked. We comforted each other. We understood each others pain. We shared a bond for a while. I knew I could never be happy with him in a long-term way for so many reasons, but in those moments he gave me peace. He gave me something else to focus on. In the end things were too fresh for both of us and I got hurt. Maybe we both got hurt. I don't know if I really even know. It ended, anyway, and I am immensely thankful, beginning to end. I was left focusing on what I felt about what happened with him and not on how I felt about what happened with Dan. A brief casual relationship is so much easier to get over than whatever it was Dan and I had. I think maybe I found some strength in myself, some independence and individuality, an ability to enjoy life on my own in some sense. A temporary sense.

Something was missing. I think I wrote about it here maybe.

I feel like I have no business even thinking about these things this soon. I feel like I am being childish and stupid. I feel shame about it. That said, my heart is heavy anyway. I just want so sadly and desperately to love and to be loved. To be loved wholly and completely, passionately. To be in love, madly and deeply and truly.

I am sort of half way seeing someone now. I like him a lot, and I get the distinct impression (he's said so directly :) ) that he feels the same. He's taking things slowly, and I know that's the right thing to do, but it frustrates me. I'm not good at slow. I never have been. I don't want to rush or force things anymore than he does in the sense that I want it to be right. I don't want to lose an opportunity to have something really good between us because we took things too quickly, but it hurts. I know it shouldn't, but it does. I have this silly desire to spend every waking moment in his arms. He lives an hour away, and works a schedule opposite mine. He has his kids when he isn't working, and neither of us is ready to bring anyone around our kids. It's too soon. So how do we make it work? How do we find a way to spend time together? He doesn't seem overly concerned, but it's killing me. What's more is that I don't feel like I can even talk to him about it, because it's all so new and casual at this point, so I feel like I'm just being weird and neurotic and obsessive. I'm insecure, and I have issues with perceived rejection, even if it's not real.

We went on a date on Saturday night. We had coffee and spent a couple hours walking around downtown Olympia holding hands and talking. We looked in shop windows, wandered around the capital building, spent some time on the docks staring out at the water and the boats in the marina. He's sweet, charming, adorable, funny, intelligent, tender, affectionate... I have nothing but good to say. We ended up staying up most of the night talking, laughing, kissing, watching old movies, just being together. It was MAGICAL. He was a perfect gentleman, and he said things that hit deeply in my heart in the best way imaginable.

I have nothing to complain about here. I'm just impatient, and that leaves me with an incredibly heavy heart. It leaves me feeling like I'm losing something, like the feelings I have aren't mutual, even though I know that that's not the case. I just want to live happily ever after, and I want it now damn it! I really need to find a way to just let go and let things happen at their own pace. My life is good, and I need to remember to enjoy it. I need to quit stressing about things that shouldn't be stressful, to quit being hurt by things that are positive in my life and not hurtful. I need to untangle my heart.

These song lyrics keep running through my head....

Please love, lets make no impartial vow
Let it all fall away
Thats not crucial now
I want a brave love
One that makes me weak in the knees
I want a crazy, crazy love
One that makes me come undone at the seams

Monday, March 05, 2007

Patience

There are so many things that I find that I appreciate immensely. First and foremost at the moment is an intellectual bond. That's not something I've had with anyone in a really long time. It's really sad to be tossing riddles and puzzles back and forth at one another and have the thought really and actually cross my mind that this is "better than sex." Sadly it's been so long since I've had that kind of dialogue that it feels like a whole new level of intimacy rather than something that should be commonplace in a relationship. We had a conversation about books the other night!! Oh my gosh!!! Books! I know! I'm pathetic! This excites me though! It works on so many levels, levels I forgot existed. There's thought, tenderness, conversation, affection, sensitivity, humor, family, responsibility... so much in so many ways...There are so many things that I forgot I even cared about that I am finding mean so much to me.

I struggle with patience though. I always thought I was pretty good about letting things come as they may, but I find lately that I just don't have any patience at all. The pace of certain things in my life just really drives me nuts right now. I don't know what to do about it or how to get over it, so I guess all I'm doing here is acknowledging it. Ha, really, I guess all I'm doing is whining. Sorry about that....

I had an excellent weekend, just so ya know.

I prefer neurotic people. I like to hear rumblings beneath the surface.

-Stephen Sondheim

Friday, March 02, 2007

Oh, turned out I had nothing to be nervous about by the way. Blah.

Emotional turmoil of the weirdest kind..

I miss my blog! I haven't written here in so long. I think mostly I've just been trying to avoid my emotions. I am not interested in wallowing. My life is almost working out, and that's unsettling for some reason. I have a great job, my bills are paid, I am living comfortably, meeting interesting new people, and having fun. I'm learning new things and making goals for my future. My problem is that I don't have a single person that I can share it all with. I feel like I have to censor myself with every single person I talk to, because the whole picture of my life right now just isn't acceptable to any one person. There are just things I can't say, even here, and I don't like it. I need a confidante, damn it! There are so many amazing people in my life that I've been so close to, and I want to be able to share my life with all of them, but I am torn among them, and there's just no way to make everyone happy, myself included. It's a crappy situation. Sadly, I started this post feeling good about my life, feeling optimistic, and now I am ending it feeling like crap, wishing I could just go hide somewhere. I am so freakin lost.