Wednesday, March 07, 2007

undone at the seams

I feel...amiss. amess. a big ol whoppin rats nest of emotion. Here's where I lay it all on the line and hang my head in shame. Or confusion. Or strength. Or something. Maybe. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I've been doing. I don't like feeling the way I do.

Dan's been gone for a little more than 2 months now. Our romantic relationship effectively ended a little more than 3 months ago now. We are good friends, and we are squabbling children. We share important things, we support one another, we talk about big things and little things, and we fight about petty garbage. I think it's a pretty good arrangement considering the circumstances that created it.

Matters of the heart rule my mind, and that's annoying. I really want to just live my life and not care.

When he left, I found myself feeling incredibly, utterly, and devastatingly alone. I felt like I was drowning, suffocating, like I couldn't exist or have peace without having someone to be close to.

A friend of his was going through the same thing with his wife at the same time. We talked. We comforted each other. We understood each others pain. We shared a bond for a while. I knew I could never be happy with him in a long-term way for so many reasons, but in those moments he gave me peace. He gave me something else to focus on. In the end things were too fresh for both of us and I got hurt. Maybe we both got hurt. I don't know if I really even know. It ended, anyway, and I am immensely thankful, beginning to end. I was left focusing on what I felt about what happened with him and not on how I felt about what happened with Dan. A brief casual relationship is so much easier to get over than whatever it was Dan and I had. I think maybe I found some strength in myself, some independence and individuality, an ability to enjoy life on my own in some sense. A temporary sense.

Something was missing. I think I wrote about it here maybe.

I feel like I have no business even thinking about these things this soon. I feel like I am being childish and stupid. I feel shame about it. That said, my heart is heavy anyway. I just want so sadly and desperately to love and to be loved. To be loved wholly and completely, passionately. To be in love, madly and deeply and truly.

I am sort of half way seeing someone now. I like him a lot, and I get the distinct impression (he's said so directly :) ) that he feels the same. He's taking things slowly, and I know that's the right thing to do, but it frustrates me. I'm not good at slow. I never have been. I don't want to rush or force things anymore than he does in the sense that I want it to be right. I don't want to lose an opportunity to have something really good between us because we took things too quickly, but it hurts. I know it shouldn't, but it does. I have this silly desire to spend every waking moment in his arms. He lives an hour away, and works a schedule opposite mine. He has his kids when he isn't working, and neither of us is ready to bring anyone around our kids. It's too soon. So how do we make it work? How do we find a way to spend time together? He doesn't seem overly concerned, but it's killing me. What's more is that I don't feel like I can even talk to him about it, because it's all so new and casual at this point, so I feel like I'm just being weird and neurotic and obsessive. I'm insecure, and I have issues with perceived rejection, even if it's not real.

We went on a date on Saturday night. We had coffee and spent a couple hours walking around downtown Olympia holding hands and talking. We looked in shop windows, wandered around the capital building, spent some time on the docks staring out at the water and the boats in the marina. He's sweet, charming, adorable, funny, intelligent, tender, affectionate... I have nothing but good to say. We ended up staying up most of the night talking, laughing, kissing, watching old movies, just being together. It was MAGICAL. He was a perfect gentleman, and he said things that hit deeply in my heart in the best way imaginable.

I have nothing to complain about here. I'm just impatient, and that leaves me with an incredibly heavy heart. It leaves me feeling like I'm losing something, like the feelings I have aren't mutual, even though I know that that's not the case. I just want to live happily ever after, and I want it now damn it! I really need to find a way to just let go and let things happen at their own pace. My life is good, and I need to remember to enjoy it. I need to quit stressing about things that shouldn't be stressful, to quit being hurt by things that are positive in my life and not hurtful. I need to untangle my heart.

These song lyrics keep running through my head....

Please love, lets make no impartial vow
Let it all fall away
Thats not crucial now
I want a brave love
One that makes me weak in the knees
I want a crazy, crazy love
One that makes me come undone at the seams

1 comment:

sjer said...

Ah slow. Slow is frustrating. I have become a self-proclaimed expert at slow. After two years, he got "Patience is a virtue" tatooed on his arm, not kidding. After three, we could say, "I like you. . . no really." without a Patron chaser. At four, I've decided that since relationships generally go nowhere I want to go anyway, I'll just enjoy getting there as long as I can. Slow is good. Enjoy :) PS Glad you're blogging again!