Tuesday, July 31, 2007

There was a time when I was brave, when I didn't care who knew what was in my heart, what was on my mind. I want that back. I feel like i censor myself so much here, so completely. I worry about who might read my words, who might be hurt by them, who might judge me for them. I've always worried about that, even before anyone I know in person ever knew about this. Why should I care about what strangers think? This worry, this filtering of my ooze of emotion makes me feel like I'm not being true to my heart. I don't like it. Part of me thinks maybe I should just start a new blog, one that the people around me don't have access to, but that would feel like betrayal of myself too, as this blog, this place, these pages... they contain such a huge chunk of my soul. So here's my goal: NO MORE CENSORING. I need to let it go. I need to say what I feel when I feel it. It doesn't matter who reads it or how they feel about it, because I don't want to be a person who hides themselves, hides their heart, hides whats in their soul anyway. My heart should be an open book. If you know me for the real me and still love me, then I love you too. If you are hurt by my messy heart, I'm sorry, but at least we know that our souls arent meant to do anymore than pass in the night. Right?
I'm gonna try at least.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

See, there really is some benefit to working your thoughts out in writing prior to going off all half-cocked...

Writing and rewriting prior to hitting send, in the interest of not screwing up the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time...

Email, 1st draft....

I can't stop crying. I hate this crap. I'm so fucking needy that I make myself sick. This is not ME. I hate who I've become in the last few months. I hate what I've become in the last few months. I'm so fucking sensitive to every little thing. I wonder if you even know that you can't so much as breathe sometimes without me feeling rejected or hurt. That’s not true really. It’s when you aren’t here that I feel rejected and hurt, and that’s just stupid. There’s no reason for me to be so psycho. It's ridiculous. I don't know why I'm so emotional. I don't know why I am so depressed. There are a million things going on in my head and I don't know what to do with myself. In some ways I feel like I have to tiptoe around you. I want it to work and I want to be happy, but I want to breathe too. I don’t even know what I'm writing or what I'm saying. I feel like you are having second thoughts, like you are trying to figure out what the hell you've gotten yourself into. I feel like we don’t talk, like we don’t communicate, and honestly I have to admit fully that I don’t know how to talk, I don’t know how to communicate in a relationship anymore. Dan messed me up so badly... I have to wonder if it's really fair to ever expect anyone to deal with that, to deal with me and my fucked up heart. I wanted so badly tonight to call you to tell you I need you. I do. I need you tonight. I would give anything to be in your arms, to hear your voice, to feel your sweet kisses on my skin. I can’t do it though, can't burden you with my screwiness. When you called me to tell me you were going to get [your son] and weren't going to see me tonight, I knew I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t interfere with your time with him, so I'm just crying and being a dumbass. I'm so fucking needy - need to see you and be close to you to feel right, to feel ok, and that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone emotionally - ever - and I certainly don’t want to be needy and suffocating and.. God only knows. I am such a mess. I don’t know what I'm doing. A huge part of me wants to tell you tonight that I was wrong, that I cant live with you, that we cant be together, because I’m just not strong enough. I can't burden you with my heart.

Email, 2nd draft...

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling overwhelmed, yet again. I don't know what is wrong with me. This isn't me, isn't who I am, and it scares me. It hurts. I don't know what I'm saying, or what I'm feeling. I love you, damn it, but I'm such an emotional wreck, and I don't feel like it's fair to burden you with that, with me. You are such an amazing guy, and I'm so crazy emotional over every little thing...you shouldn't have to deal with that. I don't know what’s wrong with me.

Heh, all this because I’ve spent a few lousy evenings alone. I’m so pathetic. There’s no real reason for me to feel this way. I just feel so god damned empty and alone in this house by myself. You aren’t here, and my girls aren’t here, and it’s like those nights before we met all over again. That was the worst hell I’ve ever been through, and this is hell too.

Email, 3rd draft...

I got all excited just now. I heard a car pull up, and I thought it was you, thought maybe somehow you knew how much of a mess I am right now, knew how badly I need a hug. Silliness, I know - I'm such an emotional wreck. It was just the neighbor coming home. I wrote you a big long blubbering (literally) email tonight, but I'm not going to send it. You don't need to be subjected to that, and I really don't want you to get sick of all this weird needy crap I'm going through and decide to be done with me. :) I love you. If you read this - I don't care what time it is - please, come hold me for a while. I won't pain you with the tearful details, but it would mean a lot to me.

I'm calling and making a doctors appointment tomorrow. I think this crazy emotional rollercoaster I'm on has to be a hormonal thing, and I really want to be done with it. I know I have reason to be emotional to a degree, but I'm way too sensitive, and it sucks. The last time I felt this way I was pregnant. I know I'm definitely not pregnant, but I know this PCOS thing really has my hormones out of whack too. You know, maybe it's not that. You've totally left me in awe lately with your sensitivity. I've never had anyone be as supportive of my heart as you are, and it's like you've given me permission to feel, like you've opened a freakin floodgate, and I don't know how to handle it, how to stop it.

Email, yet another draft...
I love you. If you read this - I don't care what time it is - please, come hold me for a while if you can. I won't pain you with the tearful details, but it would mean a lot to me.


Email, final draft....
Call me when you get home if you read this? Or even better, come hold me for a little while? Doesn't matter what time it is - I just really could use a hug tonight... Love you :)

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Thursday, July 12, 2007

God I hate being so moody and miserable. There are days when my life is great, but there are other days, like today, when I question everything. Am I making the right choices? Am I doing the right things? Am I going in the right direction with my life? Am I so desperate not to be alone that I am settling for something that isn't right for me? I want desperately for the answer to that question to be no, but really, tonight, I just dont know what the hell Im doing. I can't say that feels good.

You know, I've been really unhappy about the fact that I haven't felt like I have anything to say here lately, but this really isn't what I had in mind.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Sudden, crazy, silly, I know, but I guess that's how it happens, and I'm happy. Weird, huh? :)

Sunday, July 01, 2007