Friday, December 04, 2015

I just had a fucking terrible, real, brutal revelation. I've judged my mom for her alcoholism my whole life. I've seen her as less than a whole person, stupid, weak,  not worthy of respect, love. She has done so much damage, caused so much pain. Weak. Lousy. Sleazy. Shitty. But I remember her being so much more when I was small. She didn't hide in the booze because she was weak and awful and didn't give a rats ass about her kids. she did it because she was sad. Because she felt pain. Because she was trying to survive the shitty things that happened to her. Because life hurt. Why the hell was I such a snooty bitch that I didn't have even an inkling of that before?

Mind you I'm recognizing this because in drunk and blissfully numb myself and watching freaking izombie. Wtf.

Saturday, March 07, 2015

"the rollercoaster that God forgot to finish laying the track for"

FUCK how I love that right now. If I could rewind to say THANK YOU for GETTING me, I would.  If I could rewind to be that person again, in that time again, I would.  In a heartbeat.  Life just keeps going though.

Sometimes I really do wish I could at least direct the god damned train car a little.  At least.  Seriously.  We will all survive this, right?  I can deal with pain and suffering, but we have to keep on breathing.  I'm so scared she won't.  And if she doesn't, I won't.  Not because I'm being a whiny bitch.  Because my love for her, for them, is bigger than life, is more.

The submarines are clapping in the dark. Or maybe it's just my neighbor.

My mother is an alcoholic.  My grandfather was an alcoholic.  I wonder if his parent was an alcoholic too? His grandparent? Has this hell been passed on forever?

I don't drink.  Mostly.  But I'm an alcoholic too.  I know it plain as the nose on my face.  Plain as I know the sky is sometimes blue.  Mostly it's grey here, but that's just par for the course right?  I hate golf, but still it exists.

I've been thinking about therapy for a while now.  Here I am though.   I don't know why this is my therapy, why I can't talk to humans directly, though I suppose that's a genetic legacy to love too.

And yet even here, I censor.  What the fuck?