Thursday, June 29, 2006

So we're trying to make it work. He's told me twice in the last month he's not sure if he wants a family or not. He missed out on being young and free. This after 10 years and 2 children. Crap. The first time he said it I flipped out. In my head if he wasn't sure if he wanted a family what he was really saying was that he wasn't sure if he wanted me. And if he wasn't 100% sure he wanted me, then he din't want me whole heartedly, 100%. He may love me, but wasn't "in love" with me. He wasn't truly commited to me. He argued that it wasnt true, that he loved me deeply, that we could make it through anything, that we'd get through this, that he never could stop loving me. I argued back that he must hate me. Blah blah blah I'm a dumbass. I freaked out so badly. He told me what I wanted to hear after a few days just to stop my pain, just to stop my downward spiral. He said he may not know what he wants in life aside from us, but he knew he wanted me, wanted his family. He was telling me what I wanted to hear to bring me back down toearth and stop my pain, and I knew it, but I grasped on to it anyway, because it hurt too badly not to. So then a few weeks later, we had the same conversation. Not sure if he wanted his family anymore, only with a twist. I had freaked out so badly about how he couldnt possibly love me or be in love with me if he wasnt sure what he wanted that I actually convinced him of it. Dumbass me. So he decided he loved me but wasnt in love with me. After years of him telling me his world revolved around me and I was so wonderful, he suddenly didnt feel like we had a spark anymore, so we should just give up and go our separate ways. What the fuck!?! 10 years. 2 kids. I freaked out more than before even, but I got smart about it. Instead of telling him how much he hates me, I pleaded for our relationship and our family and somehow convinced him that we were worth making it work. If there's no spark we need to work on bringing it back. Giving up will never be the answer because we are a FAMILY. Somehow he bought it. We are trying. I am trying. I'm not sure he is, but he is here. That's something I guess. God. He's a jerk. I'm a jerk. I've got to get it together.


"It is an illusion to think that more comfort means more happiness. Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life and to be needed"
--Margaret Storm Jameson

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


So a week later, he was 300-some miles from home, on my doorstep. The exgirlfriend (who is psycho) was lying to get him back, or hurt him, or just be crazy. No baby. We've been mostly inseparable ever since. I moved home with him a few months later. I was pregnant a few months after that. We built a life together. We fought a lot, I think mostly BECAUSE we were so different and our expectations of life were so different. Those


Who cares about our story. I thought it was going to help me sort things out in my head if I put it all out on paper (screen), but it just hurts more to relive it all. I can't do it. I love him more than anything in the world. I love our family more than anything in the world. He is a piece of shit. How can you spend 10 years of your life building a family together and then just walk away? We have children. We have a life. We have had so many rocky times over the years, and his determination to make us work no matter what has been what has always pulled us back together and pulled us through. Now, after 10 years, he just suddenly doesn't know if he wants a family any more? What the fuck?! I feel like the sky is falling down around me. I don't want any life but my life with him. He is my everything. He is why my world keeps spinning. Without my family, is there really any point to life?

I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.

Ok so I have, but not intentionally. It just kind of happens, but I dont share, and I dont whine to people about my screwed up life, because I don't want to be that person. All I want, all I have ever wanted, was to just be happy, and I don't feel like whining can get me there. No point in wallowing, right? I had a messed up adolescence and was always depressed. I've made a conscious choice as an adult not to live that life any more.

The problem is, sometimes you just don't have a choice. For the first time in 9 years, I am at one of those times. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to hurt. I dont want to be negative. So I go about my business, pretending everything is ok, doing my job and interacting and pretending nothing is happening, but Im falling apart inside, because my whole world is falling apart, and these feelings are so corrosive that I just cant keep them bottled up right now. Thank you, anonymous computer world, for being my silent sounding board.

10 years ago, I was in a relationship. It wasn't a relationship. It was a life. We were teenagers, yes, but we were so close that I couldn't see any other future but my future with R. It was something I took for granted, unfortunately, because it WAS so good. Why would that change? There was no reason for things to go any other way.

Then he broke my heart. One day we were talking about wedding dates and kids and our future, and the next it was all gone. I stopped functioning. I couldn't concentrate. I found myself ignoring school. I found myself driving to the store at 3am for sleeping pills because I'd lain in bed crying all night a few nights too many and if I couldn't just get a couple hours of sleep I wasn't going to make it. I was physically ill for weeks. A 17 year old shouldn't go through that!

3 months later, things no better, I gave up. I dropped out of school. Ha! Me, the smart one, the one who could have done anything, couldn't even handle the last few months of my senior year. I left. I joined a forestry program in Oregon (NYC!!!!!) where I could live and work in the woods, my woods, the only place I could really breathe and function and survive. I wore a locket with his picture in it, and I packed a small album full of his pictures. How pathetic! :)

Why Am I writing about this right now? I dont even know. I was going to start at the beginning of the story of Dan and I, to try to figure out what to feel about us or how to deal with this. I guess that story really does start with Ryan though, because that heartache is what ultimately led me to Dan, and I really never thought I would feel that pain again. Ever.

NYC rocked. It was hands down absolutely one of the very best experiences I have ever had in my life. I lived in a tent in the woods for 5 weeks. I worked harder than I ever had in my life, pushed myself beyond every physical and mental boundary I had. I found my feet, and they were underneath me after all! I also met Dan there. He was a different guy from a different world, and we were nothing alike. He became my best friend and my shoulder and my rock. He was an ex druggie and had been in trouble with the law and lived in a terrible place, and he was there to find himself and straighten out his life. He was not the kind of person I would ever have talked to or gotten to know at home. In all honesty, he was the kind of person I would have walked across the street to avoid, but ya know, there, in the mountains, with my feet underneath me, it didnt matter. I NEEDED different. I was open to change. I wasn't judging any more. And you know, as it turned out, meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were an improbable pair, but it WORKED. He was exciting and fun and huggable, and I was the good girl he thought would never have given him the time of day. We weren't serious, there was no pressure, no commitment to anything. We were inseparable friends, just living, and we were enjoying life. That was something that I hadn't really truly ever experienced. I had wallowed in drama and pain for too long, and I was DONE.

The last night of NYC, before we were all suppsoed to go home, him to "the hood," and I to my bland suburbia, he kissed me. I swear as long as I live, I will never forget the magic of that kiss. I have huge elephant tears welling in my eyes just thinking about it.

The next day our crew parted ways, and he and I and a couple others spent a night at a fancy hotel in town, making our re-entrance from the woods into society in style. Hot water and clean sheets never felt so good. We made love that night, free and young and passionate.

The next day we went home, he to Salem, to his exgirlfriend who said she was pregnant, and I to my home, to try to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. We made promises to stay in touch, but honestly, I didn't expect that we would ever see each other again. Life happens.


I HATE THE WORLD AND THE WORLD HATES ME. Mutual hate. How great. Its been a long time. I forgot that I had created this account. I need an outlet to vent as my world falls apart, so here I am.