Thursday, June 29, 2006

So we're trying to make it work. He's told me twice in the last month he's not sure if he wants a family or not. He missed out on being young and free. This after 10 years and 2 children. Crap. The first time he said it I flipped out. In my head if he wasn't sure if he wanted a family what he was really saying was that he wasn't sure if he wanted me. And if he wasn't 100% sure he wanted me, then he din't want me whole heartedly, 100%. He may love me, but wasn't "in love" with me. He wasn't truly commited to me. He argued that it wasnt true, that he loved me deeply, that we could make it through anything, that we'd get through this, that he never could stop loving me. I argued back that he must hate me. Blah blah blah I'm a dumbass. I freaked out so badly. He told me what I wanted to hear after a few days just to stop my pain, just to stop my downward spiral. He said he may not know what he wants in life aside from us, but he knew he wanted me, wanted his family. He was telling me what I wanted to hear to bring me back down toearth and stop my pain, and I knew it, but I grasped on to it anyway, because it hurt too badly not to. So then a few weeks later, we had the same conversation. Not sure if he wanted his family anymore, only with a twist. I had freaked out so badly about how he couldnt possibly love me or be in love with me if he wasnt sure what he wanted that I actually convinced him of it. Dumbass me. So he decided he loved me but wasnt in love with me. After years of him telling me his world revolved around me and I was so wonderful, he suddenly didnt feel like we had a spark anymore, so we should just give up and go our separate ways. What the fuck!?! 10 years. 2 kids. I freaked out more than before even, but I got smart about it. Instead of telling him how much he hates me, I pleaded for our relationship and our family and somehow convinced him that we were worth making it work. If there's no spark we need to work on bringing it back. Giving up will never be the answer because we are a FAMILY. Somehow he bought it. We are trying. I am trying. I'm not sure he is, but he is here. That's something I guess. God. He's a jerk. I'm a jerk. I've got to get it together.

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