Sunday, December 31, 2006

Friday, December 29, 2006

Watching him drive away this morning was clearly the second hardest thing I've ever done.

Holding my little girls and trying to comfort them while they cried when he was gone was the first.  

I have so much going through my head, but I can't write about it.  I can't let myself wallow in it.  I have to get through this.  I will get through this.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


You're lucky i'm a bigger person than that. Please don't let it happen again.


in the middle of the might just to slap YOU in the face and tell you what i really think.


I consider it a slap in the face, and quite honestly it makes me want to get in the car and drive hundreds of miles


When you make the phone ring in my home at midnight on the night before i start a new job


Just a general notice to all those whose pictures appear next to the words "homewrecking bitch" in the dictionary...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Because there are no fresh cranberries in the entire city of eugene. . .

I can't have it myself so i give you my favorite cranberry recipe... Cook 1 bag of berries in a small pot with a couple tbspns water just until they start to soften. Stir together in large bowl softened berries, 1 can crushed pineapple, 1 can mandarin oranges, and 1 bag marshmallows. Refrigerate overnight and stir in a small container of sour cream and a small tub of coolwhip (or the equivalent in fresh whipped cream, yum) and enjoy. Please! I wish i were! :)

Christmas eve...

I miss my daddy. Hope you're all having a great day! My munchkins are chattering with excitement!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


And that is all I have to say.

I find myself sad today

What's new, I know. Really though? Today is a different sad. It's a worse sad. I know that I am going to be ok now. I'm going to make this new life work somehow, and I am going to find a way to be happy. This whole thing is just such a stupid fucking shame though. It all feels so completely empty, and it just really doesn't make any kind of sense. The last year has been THE best year of our relationship. It's been better by far than any of the previous 9 were. We stopped fighting. We started communicating. We learned how to live with one another, how to work with each others psychoses. We've had fun, damn it! It's been so long since I could really honestly say that about us, and now it's gone. Sure, there was some work to be done in the way of making sure that spark stayed alive, but that's to be expected in a 10 year old relationship, and really? I looked forward to it. Now, to top it all off, I find myself accepting the best job I have ever had - the best job either of us has ever had. Do you know how much that means? We could have gotten out of debt and back on top of things. School could have been an option again - for both of us. He could have quit his job and really given his all to this business he's been half-assedly nursing along for years and really made something of it, for God's sake. We could really and truly have had the life we have always dreamed of, the life we've planned for our entire adult lives.

Instead, she walked into his life, and she fucked up his head. He's walking away. He is choosing to leave his children, to scar them, to break my heart into a million pieces, to force both of us to struggle, to leave his dreams and his business behind, all to be with a woman he barely knows, a woman that already treats him like shit, a woman that wasn't worth hanging on to 11 years ago when they were stupid teenagers but who now somehow is worth destroying so many lives for, including his own.

There's this huge lump in my throat that just won't go away.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hey! Guess what!?!?!?!!!


I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*doing a little happy dance in my heart*
(see this post and this post :) )

Monday, December 18, 2006

I'm sorry.

So I trashed my post below about childhood stereotypes. The explanation I gave of where they came from makes NO DIFFERENCE. The whole post offended me, and I wrote the damned thing. I am ashamed that it sat here on my blog for the time that it did, and it's not even honestly and truly how I feel. I've gotta be better than that about running my mouth. It's true that when I was younger, there was no way in hell I would date military personnell. Part of that was a certain "image" perpetuated in this town of the kind of girl who did date those guys, and part of that was the fact that my dad drilled in to my head as a child (damn he's tricky) that there was something shameful about it. As a child he teased me that I was going to grow up to flip burgers and marry a fat sailor. No, this wasn't cruelty on his part. He really wasn't trying to say anything mean, but rather trying to instill in my brain that I should do anything but that because that's what his own internal stereotypes led him to believe. We had many many conversations about his real dreams for me which included a lot of education, an amazing career, and a beautiful family, in that order. He grew up in this navy town too, and he wanted to protect his little girl. You know what though? When it comes down to it, those behaviors he tried so hard to scare me away from really aren't all that bad.

And you know what else? It just doesn't matter. Everyone has to find the path in life that is right for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with flipping burgers if it gets you where you want to be in life. I've avoided fast food jobs like the plague my entire life, but I know people who work in fast food management that make some pretty decent money and have pretty awesome lives. I know others that worked in fast food to support their families while they paid their way through school to get to their dream jobs so that they could live happily ever after, and now they really are living happily ever after. You know how awesome that is? I also know young people that are barely getting by, just starting out, who's fast food jobs are the difference between making it and not. It's all about the journey. Above all I know people who work in fast food that have amazing hearts, and amazing personalities. I wish I were so lucky as to have their lives some days.

As for Navy guys, or really any military personnell, I just flat out need to apologize. I am sorry. I hope nobody read what I said, because I really didn't mean it in the way that it sounded, and I should be smacked for the way it sounded. I'm sorry Gloria. Please ignore me. I'm an idiot sometimes. I know you read it because you were still sweet enough to comment, even though the post was complete bile. :( Blech. My aim wasn't to say anything bad about folks in the military. My aim was to feel my way through my feelings about the life that has suddenly been thrust on me. I am suddenly a single adult, and that's not something I've ever been before. I've gotta figure out where my head is on that, where my heart is. That said, I have absolutely NOTHING BUT RESPECT for the people who give so much of their lives so that we can have the lives we do here in this country. I can only walk down the street because someone fought for my right to do so. I respect that. I can only drive my car because someone fought for my right to live in this society where things like cars come so easily. I respect that. I can only take my sweet children to school every day because someone fought to maintain the government that provides the funding for those schools, that recognizes the value of education for young people. I respect that. I can only run my stupid mouth in this blog because someone fought for the freedom I take for granted. I respect that. I don't know where my head was at the other night, but honestly, folks who go the military route are, to me, a cut above the rest. A BIG cut. If I implied anything to the contrary of that I apologize.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

150 Questions

I am officially boring:

The Bold Ones Are The Ones I Have Done.

01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art form
10. Done a striptease (does it count in the privacy of my own home?)
11. Bungee jumped (there was a time when I really wanted to do this. What the hell was I thinking?? Glad I never got around to it.)
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg (no iceberg, but lots of glaciers. Does that count?)
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Rode on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Rode a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced (I love you B! :) )
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (money doesn't determine my ability to be satisfied!!!)
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip (or a gazillion)
59. Rock climbing (this is on my to-do list!)
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read (I *heart* Steinbeck!!!)
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (Damn. Never thought about it that way before. I'm good at this. I'm thinking it's probably not a good thing to be good at. I pray to God that's not the case this time. 10 years is a really long time.)
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (welcome to my daily life, circa 1995)
67. Benchpressed your own weight (Hah! Funny! :) )
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke (7th grade field trip to Wild Waves - and probably never again. Yes, I am lame)
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye (can we say cheese? Yuck.)
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. My own stupid fault though I suppose.)
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman (but I would so do this! Hee hee)
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married (Blah. 10 years, 2 kids, lifelong committment, dumb hippy "we don't need no piece of paper attitude, and look where I am now. Lol)
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made you dizzy (Wow. Those were the days. The things you forget about)
95. Gotten divorced (ok so maybe that whole "we don't need no stinkin piece of paper" thing does have it's benefits after all...)
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River (also on my to-do list, but I have been through it in other kinds of boats if that counts for anything. Hell's Canyon is beeeee-a-uuuteeeeeful!)
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger (oh, how sad)
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage (when I was young and not so self-conscious)
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music (nothing fun though)
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand (my one and only one night stand turned in to a 10 year relationship. Go figure. I just don't have it in me to be like that.)
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions (I've never *gotten* anyone fired, but I fired someone myself once for being an idiot. NOT a good feeling.)
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone (my living room?)
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children (raising, close enough)
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy (I so love that my girls love My Little Ponies, Carebears, and all those other things little girl me loved.)
128. Eaten kangaroo meat (uh, no.)
129. Been a sperm or egg donor (seriously considered this once, but just couldn't stand the idea of having children wandering the earth whose lives I wasn't a part of. No way, no how.)
130. Eaten sushi (yuck)
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
(my copy didn't have a 137, maybe I'll have to google it) (but I'll pretend I've done whatever it is, because it makes me feel special)
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (again, on my to-do list)
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train

Saturday, December 16, 2006

My ego has officially been boosted, and it feels pretty darned nice even if it is just random silliness. Randomness from last night includes...

"He is leaving you?? Him? That guy? Leaving you? Is he f$%^*ing STUPID?"

[CHOP. Period. Rest of post permanently and completely removed. See the post above please.]

Friday, December 15, 2006

I am now boycotting fortune cookies, as it seems they are evil and mean.

And yes, that is a ring on my finger still. I haven't tried to take it off in at least 8 years, and surprise! It's stuck. Thankyou God for continuing to build my character. :)

We faired the storm quite nicely. The power is out in pretty much our whole county, but the lights and heat are on here in my happy house on the hill for some reason. See! Good things do happen sometimes after all!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Oh my!

Wish us luck! Our county has declared a state of emergency apparently. They are talking 65mph winds, huge amounts of rain, and massive power outages. We're ok so far, but the wind does sound pretty scary outside. Fun, fun!

Because it was time for a change...

I've mixed up my blog template again. Thanks go to Magnette on Blogskins for the lovely artwork. I'm not sure if I like the white background, but we'll see. I guess if I don't that'll be a good excuse to change things up again, right?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Kissing the Lipless

I'm also really loving this song by The Shins today...

Called to see
If your back
was still aligned
And your sheets
were growing grass
All on the corners of your bed

But you've got too much to wear
On your sleeves
and it has too much to do with me
And secretly
I want to bury in the yard
The grey remains of a friendship scarred

You told us of your new life there
you got someone coming 'round
Gluing tinsel to your crown
He's got you talkin' pretty loud

you berate remember
Your ailing heart and your criminal eyes
You say you're still in love
If it's true, what can be done?
It's hard to leave all these moments behind

Called to see
If your back
was still aligned
And your sheets
were growing grass
All on the corners of your bed

But you've got too much to wear
On your sleeves
And it has too much to do with me
And secretly
I want to bury in the yard
The gray remains of a friendship scarred

You tested your metal
On doe skin and petals
While kissing the lipless
Who bleed all the sweetness away

song lyrics I'm loving today - bad grammar and ALL

as sung by Gary Allan...

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I just have to say that it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and my big interview went swimmingly. I am so excited!! I'm really trying not to be until I have that offer letter in my hand, but knowing it's coming, having been given that assurance, is really just peachy. It feels good to start picking up all of these pieces and putting my life back together. Heeeee hee heee hee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
You know, I could have sworn I made a decision a while back to step off the roller coaster. I wasn't going to do this to myself anymore, wasn't going to let my emotions get the best of me like this. So why is it that all it takes are just a couple words from him, meant jokingly even, for me to come completely unglued? He tried to tease me, tried to give me a lighthearted jab, and it sent me right back to square one, right back to that first day when he told me he was leaving, when he told me about her. I can't be this person, I can't come undone like this any more. I have this desperate need for answers. I have a desperate need to understand, but I need to accept that I am just never going to. He doesn't have answers, and even if he did I wouldn't understand or accept them. I need to keep myself together and try to heal, try to work through this and make something better of it. Life is ironic, that's for sure. Moments before all this I was championing the plight of cheating bastard fathers everywhere. Really. Literally. Well sort of anyway.

Maybe I am just on edge all around. Somebody said something to me today that has bothered me all day long. I think it was meant genuinely as a compliment, as comfort, and it came from someone I really respect and someone I am learning to care for, learning to relate to as a friend, but still it has nagged at me. I'm told that I am definitely "pretty enough to be happy." Setting aside the fact that I really do believe that everyone is beautiful and special, and that happiness should never hinge on how you look, what does that mean? I'm not beautiful, but I'm pretty enough to get by, pretty enough to be happy somehow? I may not be good enough for Dan, may not meet that kind of standards, but I'm pretty enough that someone somewhere will find my face bearable enough to put up with me? I frustrate myself so much. Why does my brain work this way? Deep down I know I'm better off without Dan, and I shouldn't be hurt by the fact that he yearns for something unsavory from his unsavory past. I should be thankful for the easy out, the opportunity to do something better with my life. I respect the person who paid me this compliment today, and I know it was meant in the best of lights, meant as a real compliment. He really is a sweetheart. So why do I beat myself up like this? Where did my confidence, my self respect, my dignity go? I've got to find the light at the end of this tunnel, and I've got to find a way to get there soon.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Ooooooh, I'm lovin me some Glo-girl this morning

You have to read this post, every single one of you. I'm not an overly religious person either, but those are some wise words, wise, wise words. I've got to keep perspective. Thankyou Gloria!

Road trip!

So here's that road trip slideshow I was going make before I got distracted last night. These are from my cell phone, so they aren't the greatest but I'll have more and better to share once I get around to developing film.

[I've removed the slideshows. I'm sorry. These things were irritating the living crap out of me. Maybe I'll add them back later when these posts have moved off of the front page of my blog, but meanwhile they're gone.]

I officially decree that there will be no more morning.

I really hate morning a lot. I really hate that I'm still blogging about this crap too. I'm sorry. When I sleep I forget. Everything is OK, and my life hasn't come apart at the seams. I woke up this morning, so sure in my silly sleepy little brain that he was there next to me and my family was together and happy, and all that was there was an empty pillow, cold empty space. It hits me all over again in the mornings, and it hurts so much. I don't want to wake up alone every morning. I don't want to go through life without him. I don't want to go through the motions alone, take care of our kids alone, take them off to school, go off to work, pick them up at night because he isn't there to do it anymore, come home to this empty house without him. It's just not right. We made a commitment to forever, damn it! He's supposed to be there forever! So why am I so alone now?

Sunday, December 10, 2006


So I logged in to my account tonight with the intention of making a slide show of my recent trip. It was strangely like getting smacked in the face. I had completely forgotten that I'd made a slide show of Dan over the summer. He had asked me to take a couple pictures of him so he would have something recent to share when he had first started talking to her. I love taking pictures of him (or anyone, for that matter!) so I was happy to oblige, and maybe got just a *little* carried away. Did I mention I loved taking pictures of him? He's pretty self conscious about how he looks in them, but I love every single one, even now. I was taking pictures so his *friend* could see him. I haven't seen any of these since right around that time, and they bring back so many memories of moments together, laughing and having fun. We really have had some great times over the last 10 years, and I need to force myself to remember that. I need to not let what I am going through now tinge my memories of what we did have together over those years, because those times are worth remembering and cherishing. I am moving closer every day to looking forward to starting a new life, but I want to always remember and treasure my time with him. I can't let today devalue the last 10 years of my life, because they really have been a good 10 years. Yes, the captions are from then, not now. Hee hee.

[I've removed the slideshows. I'm sorry. These things were irritating the living crap out of me. Maybe I'll add them back later when these posts have moved off of the front page of my blog, but meanwhile they're gone.]

I am weak.

Honestly, I think sometimes I choose not to see red flags because I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe the version of reality that is easier to accept. I try so hard to trust people and to give them the benefit of the doubt because that feels like the right thing to do. Really maybe I'm just a chicken and I don't want to provoke anything. Whatever. I have to believe in the good in people above all else.

It's hard to believe that 6 months ago I was sitting beside him in her living room, on her couch. I was meeting her children, letting mine play with them. I was supportive and encouraging of their friendship because I wanted him to be happy, because I didn't want to control him. I knew she was important to him, a special piece of his past, and I respected that. I had to have red flags waving in my face then, but I chose to ignore them. It felt so wrong, and I wanted so badly to tell him that no, it wasn't ok with me, and no, he couldn't see her and talk to her, but I didn't want to be that person. I convinced myself that I had to be a bigger person than that. I still don't want to be that person. I don't want to control anyone. I don't want to suffocate anyone. If he doesn't love me because he can, because he chooses to, because he can't help it, I don't WANT his love. It hurts, and I'm sad and empty, and I miss his love, and I miss the life we've built together, but I deserve so much better than this.

Oh God. I have to wonder, thinking about sitting there, talking to her, the smile on her face then, if he had already told her he would leave me for her. I know he first said it somewhere in that general period of time. I have to wonder if the smiles glued to their faces were at my expense. Even now after all of this I don't want to believe that of her or of him, but I have to wonder. You know what's funny? I really liked her when I met her. She reminded me uncannily of one of my closest friends from highschool, a friend that I love and miss even now. Ha! What's even more funny is that that friend has since married a man that I was once engaged to. Dan was my rebound relationship after him. They are a great couple and I am immensely happy for them, but the whole thing is odd anyway. Why do I feel so much like a doormat? Why is it that being nice, and treating people kindly, and wanting nothing more for those I love than freedom of heart and soul and mind means I'm the one whose heart is so abused? Is it better after all to be a bitch, to be controlling and rude? I can't be that person, but I refuse to feel walked upon. Weakness is really not an appealing quality in one's self. What does that even mean?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Snickers bars, continued.

(Stinkin cell phone browser will only let me type so much before i have to start a new post) It's 'funny' because the only time in the last 10 years that i ever felt a need to question his faithfulness was with a clerk at the convenience store near our house 6 or 7 years ago. Her name was leah and something inside me threw up a red flag about her. There was never anything specific that made me believe there was anything more than friendship between them but i just had this feeling that things weren't right. He denied it all of course, so i let it go and didn't push it, but i know now that i carried that hurt in my heart anyway. Now recently, (last week?) with our relationship in tatters and no reason left to hide anything between us, he has admitted that there were feelings there after all and that he did consider cheating with her. Nice dream i had last night. Shut up heart.

Snickers bars, 2 for $1

My stomach is in knots all over again. When will my head stop beating my heart up? I just woke up from a dream so vivid that i'm having trouble getting hold of my emotions and distinguishing reality from fiction in my heart. I'm heartbroken all over again and he hasn't even done anything this time. I dreamt that we worked things out and were giving it another chance. Things were going well until he started cheating with the girl at a convenience store we went to. We went through this whole thing again, and he expected me to be sweet and kind and rational about it and i was and it killed me. I feel sick. Why do i always have to do the right thing? What is it in me that compels me to be so god-damned sensible? Why cant i be one of those girls that throws his clothes on the curb and slashes his tires and makes him pay for hurting me? No, that's not really how i want to be, but that release of emotion certainly holds some appeal. You know, this whole convenience store clerk thing
is kind of funny anyway. (tbc)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

And now that that is out of my system...

(I hope)(It sure as heck better be)(EWWWWWWWWWWW)

I'm in Grapevine, Texas. We made it here finally around 7 am yesterday. We didn't end up with time to spare to see the sights along the way, and I was really dissappointed about it at the time. There was no drive along the California Coast, no visit to the Saturn Cafe,(Thanks Neal, by the way! You are awesome! I will make it there eventually! :) ) and no Grand Canyon, even though I was only 60 miles away from it and have never been! Urgh. With our late start on Friday (late is a serious understatement - we finally left town around 11pm after many long and tearful goodbyes :) ), the weather, and B's desire to hurry up and get to her new home and her husband, our adventurous plans had no chance. We did manage to wander Hollywood for a couple hours, and we did get to see Arizona and New Mexico with snow on the ground. We also spent a couple hours in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, sight-seeing in the middle of the night. The London Bridge was beautiful with Christmas lights. I have soooo many pictures to share when I get home. I will take another trip down here in a couple months with the kiddos, and I will take my time and go the scenic route. I'd love to drive down the Oregon and California coastlines and then hop National parks and scenery across to Texas. On the way home we would have to go up through Colorado and Montana so we could hang out in the Rockies for a while too. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to see and experience more along the way here, but really? I kind of wish we could have been here sooner too. The Dallas area has completely surprised me. Texas has never held any great appeal for me, to be quite honest. It's never been a place I'd mind visiting briefly, but it really kind of sounded like a boring place. I need passion and extremes in my life to be happy (culture, art, wilderness, love) and Texas always seemed so bland in my mind. It is BEAUTIFUL here! This area is so vibrant and rich. There is art everywhere, and this whole area just seems so rich and vibrant. I think I already said that. It's a great place though. Everyone I've met has been adorable and sweet, and I love the Texas attitude. It just doesn't seem like there is enough time in the day to see everything I want to see and do everything I want to do, and my flight home is getting closer and closer. I can't wait to be home because I miss my babies, and because I have a lot of unfinished business there that I am more and more anxious to just take care of and be done with, but this trip has been excellent. I do carry a lot of pain, and there have been times that I've broken down, but distance has been good to me. Dan and I seem to be getting along better too as time goes on and things become less raw. We've talked a lot since I've been here, and it's good to have my friend back.

Can I just say....

Um, EWWWW. Yeah, YOU. You know who you are. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

An epiphany

Had while driving through Childress, Texas at 3am, snow on the ground, radio blaring, belting out old country songs at the top of my lungs, trying to stave off drowsiness and tears...

Who knew Kenny Rogers The gambler wasn't about playing cards? :)

I feel silly. I've loved that song for literally my whole life. I remember being 5 years old, flying down dirt roads in my dad's old ford pickup and singing that song. I remember crayons and sawdust and drawing pretty pictures on the studs of the house my dad built, that song playing on the old GE radio. It was part of the soundtrack of my childhood, and it was about cards. Real post from a real keyboard and computer after sleep.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Travel update...

..because this is so much easier than making a million phone calls. I am at b's grandparents house in thousand oaks. We made it here around 9 last night. Her grandmother has been incredibly warm and kind, and yet completely candid. She is refreshing. She fed us huge plates of some of the best spaghetti i've ever had last night too. We are going to spend some time with them this morning and see some sights. We're tossing around the idea of an afternoon at magic mountain and then we'll be back on the road tonight.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Lessons learned

My stepfather was not a nice man. I dealt with a major amount of guilt a few years ago when he died because i found myself grateful. I viewed his body not out of sympathy but because I needed closure. I needed to know he was really gone and I didn't have to fear him anymore. That said, there were a few times in my life that I really connected with him, and I drew something from those experiences that I need to remember. There were rare occasions when he wasn't drinking that we would have real conversations and they were heart breaking. I was 10 or 11 when he told me about his experiences in Viet Nam. He went through some horrifying things, and he did some horrifying things to save his own life. While he understood the necessity of what he had done, he felt a great deal of guilt. He couldn't forgive himself and spoke from time to time of a desire to assume a new identity, to start fresh as a new and unknown person to escape his pain. He really thought the only way to escape his pain was to be someone else somewhere else. I told outright how absurd that was. His pain wasn't something around him that would go away if he was somewhere else. No one around him knew, and certainly no one judged him for it. He carried his pain inside him, and no matter where he went it was still going to be there until he faced it head on and found a way internally to heal his heart. This was ridiculously obvious to me as a child. This is something I know. So how did I convince myself that going on this trip was going to be my chance to get away and take a break from my pain? I knew all along that i carry it in my heart.

I need freedom

Everything I say and do and experience is tinged by his deception and by my pain. I am away from it all trying to give my heart space, but he weighs so heavily on my being. Everything I experience in life, no matter how far removed from him I am, I experience as a person who loves him. My whole existence and identity are wrapped up in my love for him and that hurts. I don't know who I am. I drove through the Siskiyous at dawn, the whole world glowing, and my heart drooped. Moments ago I was dancing along the shores of Lake Shasta in the sunshine, wind blowing in my hair, trying to feel free and happy as I always am in beautiful places when it hit me all over again and I turned into a blubbering mess there on the rocks. He broke a promise last night that I just cant forgive. I feel sick over it. How did he become this person? The one thing we always had was trust. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't know how not to.