Saturday, December 02, 2006

I need freedom

Everything I say and do and experience is tinged by his deception and by my pain. I am away from it all trying to give my heart space, but he weighs so heavily on my being. Everything I experience in life, no matter how far removed from him I am, I experience as a person who loves him. My whole existence and identity are wrapped up in my love for him and that hurts. I don't know who I am. I drove through the Siskiyous at dawn, the whole world glowing, and my heart drooped. Moments ago I was dancing along the shores of Lake Shasta in the sunshine, wind blowing in my hair, trying to feel free and happy as I always am in beautiful places when it hit me all over again and I turned into a blubbering mess there on the rocks. He broke a promise last night that I just cant forgive. I feel sick over it. How did he become this person? The one thing we always had was trust. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't know how not to.

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