Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I find myself sad today

What's new, I know. Really though? Today is a different sad. It's a worse sad. I know that I am going to be ok now. I'm going to make this new life work somehow, and I am going to find a way to be happy. This whole thing is just such a stupid fucking shame though. It all feels so completely empty, and it just really doesn't make any kind of sense. The last year has been THE best year of our relationship. It's been better by far than any of the previous 9 were. We stopped fighting. We started communicating. We learned how to live with one another, how to work with each others psychoses. We've had fun, damn it! It's been so long since I could really honestly say that about us, and now it's gone. Sure, there was some work to be done in the way of making sure that spark stayed alive, but that's to be expected in a 10 year old relationship, and really? I looked forward to it. Now, to top it all off, I find myself accepting the best job I have ever had - the best job either of us has ever had. Do you know how much that means? We could have gotten out of debt and back on top of things. School could have been an option again - for both of us. He could have quit his job and really given his all to this business he's been half-assedly nursing along for years and really made something of it, for God's sake. We could really and truly have had the life we have always dreamed of, the life we've planned for our entire adult lives.

Instead, she walked into his life, and she fucked up his head. He's walking away. He is choosing to leave his children, to scar them, to break my heart into a million pieces, to force both of us to struggle, to leave his dreams and his business behind, all to be with a woman he barely knows, a woman that already treats him like shit, a woman that wasn't worth hanging on to 11 years ago when they were stupid teenagers but who now somehow is worth destroying so many lives for, including his own.

There's this huge lump in my throat that just won't go away.

1 comment:

glo-girl said...

**his loss**.

you *have* to remember this when those feelings creep up on you.