Honestly, I think sometimes I choose not to see red flags because I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe the version of reality that is easier to accept. I try so hard to trust people and to give them the benefit of the doubt because that feels like the right thing to do. Really maybe I'm just a chicken and I don't want to provoke anything. Whatever. I have to believe in the good in people above all else.
It's hard to believe that 6 months ago I was sitting beside him in her living room, on her couch. I was meeting her children, letting mine play with them. I was supportive and encouraging of their friendship because I wanted him to be happy, because I didn't want to control him. I knew she was important to him, a special piece of his past, and I respected that. I had to have red flags waving in my face then, but I chose to ignore them. It felt so wrong, and I wanted so badly to tell him that no, it wasn't ok with me, and no, he couldn't see her and talk to her, but I didn't want to be that person. I convinced myself that I had to be a bigger person than that. I still don't want to be that person. I don't want to control anyone. I don't want to suffocate anyone. If he doesn't love me because he can, because he chooses to, because he can't help it, I don't WANT his love. It hurts, and I'm sad and empty, and I miss his love, and I miss the life we've built together, but I deserve so much better than this.
Oh God. I have to wonder, thinking about sitting there, talking to her, the smile on her face then, if he had already told her he would leave me for her. I know he first said it somewhere in that general period of time. I have to wonder if the smiles glued to their faces were at my expense. Even now after all of this I don't want to believe that of her or of him, but I have to wonder. You know what's funny? I really liked her when I met her. She reminded me uncannily of one of my closest friends from highschool, a friend that I love and miss even now. Ha! What's even more funny is that that friend has since married a man that I was once engaged to. Dan was my rebound relationship after him. They are a great couple and I am immensely happy for them, but the whole thing is odd anyway. Why do I feel so much like a doormat? Why is it that being nice, and treating people kindly, and wanting nothing more for those I love than freedom of heart and soul and mind means I'm the one whose heart is so abused? Is it better after all to be a bitch, to be controlling and rude? I can't be that person, but I refuse to feel walked upon. Weakness is really not an appealing quality in one's self. What does that even mean?