Thursday, October 23, 2003
OH this is infuriating!!!! Why cant I sleep at night? I've been absolutely exhausted all day. I was physically ill for most of the evening. Fatigued. Now it's 1am, and my body wont go to sleep. I am wide awake. This means another day tomorrow of complete exhaustion. I got up 2 hours early this morning thinking the less sleep I got the easier it would be to sleep at a normal time tonight. So here I am. I don't like the word insomniac. I don't think that's my problem. I don't think that's denial - just lack of sleep.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
This is me, I am I, and I'm bored out of my mind at the moment. Physically, at least. There is so much going on in my head that there's no way I have time to be bored emotionally, but I'm tired of boring plain jane life and existence. Isn't everyone though. Its so hard to make choices about the world around me. How do I want to spend my time? What career is my ultimate passion? Where do I want to live? How do I want to live? I've been reading about commune life lately. Sounds amazing. Not that I'm ready to run away to one, but it's an intriguing life. I've been fascinated by The Farm for years. Twin Oaks sounds like such a peaceful place. I want to finish what I'm doing now in school to become a midwife. I want to throw it all out the window and pursue something environmental - forestry maybe. I want to run away to the country to start a farm. Be a homesteader. I like the CSA (community supported agriculture) idea. That would truly be the dream life. But I know nothing about farming, and don't really want to go to ag school. Is there a limit to how much one can learn on their own about that type of thing? Maybe I could finish my midwife training, and do both - midwifery isn't exactly a full time job in rural areas - so if I moved to the country and did the homestead thing or the csa thing, I could have my cake and eat it too - I'd be close to the wilderness I need to breathe/exist/survive (that's another post altogether), I could practice midwifery, and I could run a small csa too (or maybe big someday - baby steps) The thing that frustrates me most about Dan is that he is a dreamer to the point where he doesn't acknowledge reality or practically - and here I go off in my dream world. We shall see, we shall see......