Monday, June 25, 2007

In chronological order, in hopes of avoiding meltdown

I watched the 3rd Harry Potter movie last night. I'm not sure I think the plot is all that exceptional, but there's something about those kids, a certain charm if you will. Really I would bet that the books are good too... movies made from books always miss so much. Good stuff.

I woke up this morning before my alarm went off, refreshed, awake, ready to start the day. This is SO not me. I am emphatically not a morning person, as much as I might like to be. This is happening all too much lately.

Work was good today. It was a really busy day, but that didn't even bother me so much, because it all worked, all fit together, all was like clockwork. I solved problem after problem, worked puzzle after puzzle, and really accomplished a lot. That feels good.

I went to Costco after work with Dave. It was ok, or as ok as a trip to Costco can be. He told me about how if you soak a piece of Pork in Coke worms will come out of I was putting porkchops in my cart. Great.

Mr. Shoulders called me tonight. What the hell is wrong with me? He told me he missed me. I was reminded of his amazing smell (I'm such a dumb girl - total sucker for a nice smelling man). He brought up the night we kissed in the rain. These are not things I should be thinking about. These are emphatically not things I should be thinking about. He is not right for me, and he is not healthy for me, but there's just something about him...Ugh.

He says I've been the only one since she left him. I'm not sure I believe him, but regardless it makes me think about myself, my own choices. I think the largest thing I've drawn from this whole ordeal, sadly, is that I've lost any and all sense of reality where relationships are concerned. My heart is a joke and everything is randomw and intangible. Love has been cheapened, and I've cheapened myself. It's gone from something sacred and amazing in my heart, in my soul, in my mind, to something meaningless and fleeting. Who cares who, what, when, how, because it all comes and goes anyway, and nothing ever really truly means anything anyway. Pathetic and lost. I don't mean that. I want real love, love that lasts forever. I want it so badly. I'm just not sure if I believe it's real anymore.

I miss him. his smell. kisses in the rain. Not all the time, but in this moment.

2 sights on I-5 knocked the wind out of me tonight.

We came around a corner and head on into a view of Mt. Rainier that was absolutely stunning. I wish I had had my camera along. Huge, close, amazing...snow covered, pink and orange with the sunset, thoroughly breathtaking. THIS is why I live here. This is why Washington is home. These views feed my soul, keep me sane, human, grounded, breathing.

Up the road we passed a semi hauling chickens. Hundreds upon hundreds were stuffed into cages together, no room to move, Nasty dirty scraggly white feathers blowing in the wind, the birds looking half bare. The roasted chicken I ate for dinner churned in my stomach. How can I put that in my body> How can I support the practice of treating living breathing animals that way? How can I be a part of that? What the hell is wrong with me? I was a vegetarian when Dan and I met. I let him tempt me with burgers and steaks. I think I may become a vegetarian again.

Dan called tonight. He hasn't seen the girls in a month and a half. He has yet to pay any child support. Any. At all. He has no job, lives on welfare, can't pay his bills, and has no means to help transport his kids hundreds of miles to his home so that they can visit him. He had the nerve to tell me he doesn't think I have their best interest at heart. He thinks this because I've let them meet and spend time with Dave, who he admits seems like a decent guy. I am apparently supposed to live in a cave with them, never interact with other human beings, and never ever let them meet anyone new again. If I cant be very strict about this I am an unfit mother and should send them to live with him. I am angry, and I am hurt, and I am terrified. I don't know what to do or how to react. I don't see what I can do to make the situation better. There's nothing I can do reasonably to make him happy. There's nothing I can do legally to protect my rights or those of my children that won't just make him angry and make the situation worse overall. All I can do is sit here and take his crap, sit here and worry, sit here and try not to panic. I love my kids so much. Nothing else really matters but them. I've been depressed for days at the prospect of letting them spend some extended time with him this summer. I worry about them, and I hate the idea of being away from them for so long. Now I have a whole new host of stresses and worries. I dont understand how he can go so quickly from being the man who loves me, who shares his life with me, who will be with me every day for the rest of our lives, to being someone so hateful, so nasty. It's not like I cheated on him, I hurt him, I betrayed him... HE DID THIS, and I've been nothing but nice about it because I am stupid and crazy, and he still has the nerve to get nasty. I want to cry, and I want to scream, and I want to burst into a million little pieces.

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