I really want to scream at the top of my lungs right now, and I really need to control myself, because my sweet angels are sleeping down the hall. I love them so much, and it is so unfair that they have to go through all of this. He's here, but he's not really here. He sleeps in the same house as us, but he's rarely home, and when he is he is outside talking to her on the phone. It takes everything I have to continue to say nice things when my daughters ask me where daddy is. Every moment of every day makes it easier for me to let him go. There are times that the idea of him leaving is unbearable, and there are times that I want to hold on to him with all I've got for as long as I can, but there are more and more times now too that I just want to tell him where to shove it.
He had the nerve to tell me tonight that he would like them to come spend the summer with him. I am FREAKING OUT now. I thought we had already been through all of this. I thought we had worked out visitation and custody and the whole thing. I went off. I broke down. I yelled. I cried. I threatened to find a lawyer. I need to breathe. I understand that he loves them and he wants to see them, but he needs to understand that he is the one that is choosing to leave them. It's not like he is moving down the street or across town. If he were, I would fully expect that we would have shared custody and they would see him all of the time. HE is the one that is choosing her over his ability to be a part of their daily lives. I know I am being irrational and selfish, but I guess maybe I feel like I am entitled to that right now, and I guess maybe I don't care that that is the case, because they are my babies and I love them, and nothing else matters. The fact that he is moving 400 miles away and leaving the girls and I behind DOES NOT mean that I have to let them go that far away to be with him for long periods of time. It just doesn't. He is choosing to leave them. That shouldn't mean I have to let go of my daughters too, shouldn't mean I have to be away from them. He can come here any time he wants to see them, and I've already promised them that I'll take them there absolutely any time they want, but I can't and won't just ship them off. I hope I feel differently some day, but right now it's all just too raw. God DAMN it. I feel like I am being so selfish, but at the same time I don't have it in me to feel any other way about this right now. I am not ok with them going there for a WEEKEND without me much less a week or a month or a WHOLE GOD DAMNED SUMMER. I just can't do it. I'll give up my life with him, but I won't give up being with them every day for anything in the world. Urgh. Putting it in writing opens my eyes a little. My babies love their daddy, and I don't ever want to stop them from spending as much time with them as they want to. Ugh. I can't just let them go, but I think I have an apology to make.