Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Never in my life have I felt so totally and utterly alone. I walked away from everyone and everything I knew to be with Dan 10 years ago. I turned my back to my family and friends and never looked back, because he was worth it. I have put everything I have and everything I am into us. I have spent my entire adult life focused on making our family work, despite our struggles. My entire identity and existence are defined by who I am as part of the family we have created together. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't WANT to imagine my life without him. So how can a person decide after being a FAMILY for TEN YEARS that they just don't care anymore? He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be together, and he doesn't care how I feel or how it affects our children. The last 6 months have been a lie. When he told me last week that he loves me more every day, that he's never been happier or loved me more, and that he was crazy to have ever questioned that, it was a blatant lie. He says he was trying to convince himself. Why is it that when he is such a cold hearted bastard and he doesn't care about me AT ALL all I want is for him to love me? All I want is for him to put his arms around me and mean it, and for us to be happy together. We made a commitment to forever, and I embraced that heart and soul. Every particle of my being hurts right now.