Monday, November 20, 2006

And another day goes by

Another day closer to Dan leaving. I don't want to count down the days, because I don't want to think about just how few I have remaining with him, but I feel like I am grasping at straws. I feel like I have to make every moment count because there will never be another one. Things are pretty intense between us right now. I wish we could have been more like this (or moments of this, at least) before when we weren't over. I wish I wouldn't have taken him for granted so much in our relationship and savored our life together a little more. Lessons learned I guess, but that's just really hard to swallow right now. I find myself wanting to enjoy every little thing. Just watching him breathe makes my heart ache. As much as I want to stop, as much as I want to be angry and push him away, I can't get enough. I need him to be here and be close while he can, and I need to savor these moments. I'm not in denial, and I know he's going no matter what. I know he loves her. I just don't want to let go until I really have to. And really, that isn't the whole truth either, because I am letting go. I am gradually learning to accept all of this. The fact remains though that I love him with all of my heart, and it would kill me to do anything less than savor every last ounce of what I have left of him while I have it.

3 comments:

CN said...

jenny, your blogs here are heartwrenching and honest. i can't begin to understand how you truly feel about your situation (some things just can't be blogged), but i have sympathy because i have been there before many times.
art, or writing more specifically, doesn't make the world go round, but it does make us want to hold on.

thank you for stalking my blog.

cn
words:fail:me

Brandon Erik Bertelsen said...

Cry, pray, laugh, and toil. He will carry you through it. "Footprints" is by far the most amazing piece of religious thought that I've ever read. It shares a duality with the thought of receiving help and the thought of needing help that is beyond explanation. It never ceases to elicit an emotional response from me.

He's being selfish and you need to be as well. From what I've read the "two-weeks to see how things go" sounds more like, "two weeks that I don't have a place to stay so I'll make you suffer".

Clear the house of things that will indefinitely remind you of him (except the kids!). Life isn't over it's just going to be different. There are two things that are of primary importance right now, and this selfish man that you're with is not one of them.

The first is you. The second is your kids. The reason that they are second is because if you can't function you can't take care of them. So you have to come first.

I empathize with your situation but I could never truly understand it. I wish you the best of luck and I know for certain that if you stay strong you'll get through it.

Jenny said...

Thanks both of you for stopping by.

Cn, your words are moving, as always.

I have a feeling I've alienated every reader I had before all of this, but sometimes I feel like writing here is really the only thing that is pulling me through it all. The whole thing just seems so surreal until I put it in writing, and then there it is, staring me in the face, and I have to deal with it.

Brandon, you are incredibly correct as well. I'm not a particularily religious person either, buy I'm trying to be. I turn to God when I need him, begging for help. I want to learn to be able to turn to God when I don't need him too. I get the whole carrying me when I'm down thing (Please God, help me through this), but I need to work on walking beside him when I'm up too. I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite. Heh, not trying to preach certainly, just another vent I guess.

Yeah, the whole 2 weeks thing went out the window the next day when he told me the truth about why he was going. 2 weeks seemed like a good idea when he was leaving because we'd lost a spark, but not now, certainly. He's not actually leaving till the first of the year, mostly because it'll leave the girls and I homeless if he leaves his job before then, or before he finds a new job in Oregon. I know I'm nuts and I should make him stay with a friend or something, but I don't want him to go before then. I guess really a lot of that comes back to the kids. He won't be a daily part of their lives for much longer, and I want him here for them while he can be.

Anyway, thank you both so much for your kind words. I can't tell you how much it means to me. :)