Monday, November 20, 2006
And another day goes by
Another day closer to Dan leaving. I don't want to count down the days, because I don't want to think about just how few I have remaining with him, but I feel like I am grasping at straws. I feel like I have to make every moment count because there will never be another one. Things are pretty intense between us right now. I wish we could have been more like this (or moments of this, at least) before when we weren't over. I wish I wouldn't have taken him for granted so much in our relationship and savored our life together a little more. Lessons learned I guess, but that's just really hard to swallow right now. I find myself wanting to enjoy every little thing. Just watching him breathe makes my heart ache. As much as I want to stop, as much as I want to be angry and push him away, I can't get enough. I need him to be here and be close while he can, and I need to savor these moments. I'm not in denial, and I know he's going no matter what. I know he loves her. I just don't want to let go until I really have to. And really, that isn't the whole truth either, because I am letting go. I am gradually learning to accept all of this. The fact remains though that I love him with all of my heart, and it would kill me to do anything less than savor every last ounce of what I have left of him while I have it.