A day for blogging, apparently...

These friggin highs and lows are killing me. The range of emotions
that I experience unwillingly in the course of a day is overwhelming
sometimes.

Dan passed through a town this afternoon that we spent some time
together in when we first met. He felt the need to blindside me with
pictures. Damned picture messaging. I think he just thought it was a
cool memory, interesting to see how places have changed over the
years, but I lost it. Nothing like bawling at my desk in the middle
of a work day - very professional, I tell you.

I remember that place like it was yesterday. I remember specific
moments, conversations, expressions... sitting at that table at A&W,
fascinated by their weird intercom-pushbutton ordering thingy, feeling
like we were sitting in a little piece of the past. I remember the
brown naugahyde seats, the worn tables, his smile, his jokes, his
beautiful blue eyes that I see now every time I look at our youngest
daughter. I remember the tired waitress, looking far from thrilled to
see us all, obviously wishing she were anywhere but there. I remember
walking the streets of that town, killing time, exploring each other's
personalities and just being. I remember thinking then that I wished
circumstances could be different, thinking I felt for him something I
didn't think I could feel, something I didn't want to let go of. He
was sweet and funny and handsome. He was real and good and different.
He was unlike any guy I'd ever met in so many ways. I remember
working hard, pushing past limits, drinking warm gatorade and eating
smooshed pb&j sandwiches together, collapsing in a pile of exhaustion
and laughter together day after day, complete bliss even in the stench
of 13 adolescents who had worked for days like they never had before.
I remember saying goodbye and my heart screaming. I remember getting
that call from him out of the blue just days later, telling me he was
just miles from my house - hundreds from his own - because he had to
see me again. I remember him pouring his heart out to me on the patio
by the water in a way I never thought anyone could or should or would,
remember being terrified and touched and truly in love. I remember
minute details about it, like the cracks in the patio that I stared
down at as he spoke, the grass growing up through them, the ripples on
the water, the lupine blowing in the wind, Hotel California by the
Eagles wafting out from the basement. I remember smells, sounds,
moments, feelings, all like it happened 5 minutes ago. I would give
anything in this world to go back to those days, those moments, to be
able to live it all again. I'd gladly take the bad too to just feel
that good we shared again.

We had a good 10 years. I don't know why we are where we are now, but
I am so thankful for the last 10 years. They've been amazing. Things
are so wrong now, so twisted. I still feel like I'm walking through a
dream, expecting to wake up at any moment, because this couldn't be my
real life.

Did I tell you I had a dream in a dream the other night? I had this
weird dream, woke up from it, and wanted to blog about it. Somehow I
though I could copy and paste the story instead of having to type it
out, but I just couldn't make it work, because the story was written
in silverware on the table and it wouldn't select right. (Huh?) Then
I woke up to youngest crawling into my bed to snuggle. How many
layers deep can dreams be? Can I dream in my dream in my dream?
Somehow I don't think so. All of this crap is entirely too real.

I thought about my friend J last night for the first time in a long
time, and it left me spiraling into a funky depression. I'm good at
that these days, I know, but when it comes to him...

I don't even know what to say or how to say it. He was my best friend
and my big brother. He stood beside me through so much, and I stood
beside him through so much. There came a messy complicated point
where I had to walk away from him completely to make things work with
Dan, and I did it because my life with Dan was worth giving up
anything and everything else for, but he has been such a painful
memory since. I've wished for so long that things could be different,
wished that I could have my friend back, have my brother back. S
showed me pictures of his beautiful children last night, and it was
all I could do not to cry. 10 years is so long, and we've missed so
much of each other's lives not being friends. I feel like crap about
it. I want my friend back so badly, and I'm not sure that's even a
remote possibility any more. It sucks.

I can't wallow in this crap. I need to find a way to pull myself out
of this, to make positive choices and positive changes, to piece my
life back together, or to create a new life for myself that isn't
filled with so much pain. I can do this. Life is too short to spend
it like this. All I want to do is enjoy it, and to share it with the
people that I care about.