Urrggghh...

Sometimes the treatment for a medical condition is worse than the condition itself. So not cool... I've spent the last 30 minutes puking my guts out. I don't think i'm done yet. I really just want to sleep.

fun times

There is a fortune cookie sitting on my desk mocking me. After the
last one I opened, I am kind of afraid to see what's inside it. I'm
such a weeny.

Hope is a four letter word.

I have a favor to ask of you. Yes, i mean you. No matter who you are, please, i'm begging, just do one quick thing for me. Go check the batteries in your smoke detectors. Do it right now. Don't wait. If you need new batteries go get them right this second. Please don't put it off. Your life is worth it. Your family is worth it. It's always something, isn't it? This is a big something though. I have many acquaintances, certainly, and many casual friendships, but i am not a person who has a lot of truly close friends, as it takes a lot for me to trust enough to open up to people. Yes, i know, i keep a blog and spill my guts out here daily, but it's different when i'm face to face with people. Words just don't come out of my mouth in the same way. I can easily count on one hand the number of people i've considered truly close friends in my adult life. It now takes two fingers for me to count the number of those few close friends whose lives have been devastated by house fires.
Those are some scary odds.

I seem to have misplaced a post. I've really gotta quit posting while I'm laying in bed at night or when I first wake up in the morning. I really am not that mopey and whiny most of the time. My life is really not that bad. Early mornings and late nights are just a little rough. That's when I feel the most alone.

I am going to join the gym down the street from my office. I'm saying it here so maybe it'll force me to be accountable for it and follow through. It's within walking distance, so I don't see any reason I shouldn't be able to go at lunch a few times a week, and I think I'll feel so much better about myself for it. So that's the plan. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, whipping my butt into shape. I've lost 35 pounds in the last 2 months. Actually I've lost 40, but I gained 5 back. I've gotta keep that trend going in the other direction, and gotta hold myself to this.

I haven't missed him much in a while. I think maybe i haven't let myself. I do today damn it.

Morning

Walking around in denial like i have been is just plain stupid. I love
dan. I miss him. I'm so desperate to fill this big gaping hole he left
in my life, and that's absolutely ridiculous because no one ever can
or will. There may be a new place for someone some day, but no one can
ever fill his place because no one can be him, can be what he is to me
after spending every day of the last ten years with him. Nothing like
going to bed feeling ok about things and waking up crying. I miss him
so much. He's supposed to be here for the rest of my life. This crap
isn't supposed to happen.

Interesting...

I know it's supposed to mean bad luck is on it's way when a black cat crosses your path, but what does it mean when a big fat toad jumps across it? Is prince charming on his way?

I want badly to write, but I don't know what to say. I am tired of writing about Dan and that whole situation. I am tired of writing from heartache and depression. I want to reclaim my blog as the place where I babble incoherently and talk about every silly little thing under the sun. I am tired of living a life that is so profoundly impacted by his leaving. My life is what it is, good things will come, and I need to learn to have patience, and to enjoy the little things in life again. The sun is shining today. It's BEAUTIFUL!

What a long weekend! I feel bad saying it, but I am so glad it's over. I am ready to have my house back. Friday was a rough night (urgh, depressing, I mean depressing so I should say it instead of glancing over it and calling it rough. I was depressed and moody and miserable). Saturday was a little better. Dan took the girls bowling and they had a blast. He spent more quality time with them on Saturday than he has in the last 6 months total, easily. Sunday was another rough (infuriating, icky, grumpy) day, but such is life. Youngest is having a hard time with the fact that he was here for the weekend and is now gone again. I imagine it felt briefly like she had her family back, him here with us like old times, so I can understand why that would be hard for her. I don't know why I didn't think about it before hand. I think their next visit needs to be at his house in Oregon. Until she gets more used to this whole situation I think we need to do anything we can to reinforce that things are different now and that's how they are going to be, and to help her understand that there still is a good place for her in all of it. Her daddy lives there, not here, but she can see him there, and he still loves her there, ya know? My poor angel. This whole thing has hurt her so much more than it has any of the rest of us, and she just doesn't deserve that.

Speaking of my little angel, today she turns 7!!! She is getting so big, so old!

Happy Birthday baby!!

blah blah blah, blablah blah blah

I could not for the life of me force myself out of bed this morning.
I guess I really just didn't want to face the day today. I think
it'll be ok though. I told Dan last night that I want a night to
myself tonight. He's staying with the girls when he gets here, and
I'm going to go somewhere and do something and have lots of fun. I
need to let loose a little and I need to spend some time with other
adults somewhere other than work. The girls need some one on one (2
on 1, I guess) time with their daddy, so I think it will be a good
thing. Heh, that and I'm not sure I want to face him and deal with him
tonight. I'm not sure it would be a good thing for the girls if their
visit with him started out with an awkward evening with him and I.
I'm sure we'll end up spending most of the weekend together with the
girls, and I think we'll all be ok with that, but I need a night for
me first. Yes, I'm a chicken and I'm running away. Besides, a night
with Mr. shoulders might help relieve some stress, right? Either that
or it will cause more, but whatever. I'm just lost here really, but
I'm confident now that I'll get myself together eventually, so that's
OK.

So I've been thinking this thing lately, not liking it but thinking
it's right anyway. I need to get better at standing on my own 2 feet.
This whole thing with Dan is really hard, but in many ways I think
it's the best thing that could have happened to me. I've been with
him my entire adult life. I've never been alone, and I've never
really learned to stand on my own 2 feet emotionally. I've always had
someone there, always had a crutch. There's always been someone there to hold me, to help me, to calm me, to make everything ok. I find
myself looking for that again now, looking for someone, anyone to fill
that place so that I don't have to be alone. The thing is, I think
maybe I need to be alone. I don't like it and I don't want to admit
it, but I think it's important anyway. I'm not saying I can't have
anyone in my life, but I think I need to learn not to rely on anyone
else for my emotional wellbeing. I need to find more strength in
myself so that I can have healthier relationships with others.
Funny thing is I think it's Mr. Shoulders who made me realize that.
He's been sweet and kind, and at the same time he's given me an
incredible amount of space, and I've found that drives me nuts because
I don't want space. He's got it right though. I need space, and I
don't need anything serious or demanding. I need to stand on my own
two feet, and I need to learn to be happy by myself. Casual and free
are good things. Friendship without strings is a good thing. What's
funny too is that if he were smothering me, if he were there every day
all the time filling in as that crutch, I think I would run screaming.
I would push him away because I know I'm not ready for that. He is
doing the right thing in letting this be casual, in keeping things
light, and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. How screwy is that?

I just had a sad, sad thought. I think my whole life has been one big
breakup and rebound. Every relationship I have had since I was 16
years old has been a rebound relationship. I get my heart broken or I
decide I don't like something about the relationship I'm in and I run
away from it, straight into someone else's arms. Matt and I parted
ways, and it killed me. E. comforted me, and there I was. I decided
E wasn't healthy for me, so I walked away and fell into J's arms soon
after. I had this terrible string of relationships because I couldn't
stand being alone. I went back to the same unhealthy relationships
again and again because I was weak. I literally had to leave the state
to break that cycle and get away from all of them. I felt so good,
and I was so proud to be standing on my own 2 feet. I remember
telling J how sorry I was, but that I needed to learn to be
independent, needed to be strong on my own, needed to figure out who I really was for me. I had never felt better. A month later I was with
Dan. A year later we had a daughter, and a family, and a life
together, and I never looked back or thought about it again. Whoah
buddy!

I'm thinking now.

Dan will be here tomorrow to see the girls. I am finding myself terrified - terrified that I will fall apart, terrified that I won't, terrified that my girls will fall apart, terrified that they won't. I'm such a silly mess.

A day for blogging, apparently...

These friggin highs and lows are killing me. The range of emotions
that I experience unwillingly in the course of a day is overwhelming
sometimes.

Dan passed through a town this afternoon that we spent some time
together in when we first met. He felt the need to blindside me with
pictures. Damned picture messaging. I think he just thought it was a
cool memory, interesting to see how places have changed over the
years, but I lost it. Nothing like bawling at my desk in the middle
of a work day - very professional, I tell you.

I remember that place like it was yesterday. I remember specific
moments, conversations, expressions... sitting at that table at A&W,
fascinated by their weird intercom-pushbutton ordering thingy, feeling
like we were sitting in a little piece of the past. I remember the
brown naugahyde seats, the worn tables, his smile, his jokes, his
beautiful blue eyes that I see now every time I look at our youngest
daughter. I remember the tired waitress, looking far from thrilled to
see us all, obviously wishing she were anywhere but there. I remember
walking the streets of that town, killing time, exploring each other's
personalities and just being. I remember thinking then that I wished
circumstances could be different, thinking I felt for him something I
didn't think I could feel, something I didn't want to let go of. He
was sweet and funny and handsome. He was real and good and different.
He was unlike any guy I'd ever met in so many ways. I remember
working hard, pushing past limits, drinking warm gatorade and eating
smooshed pb&j sandwiches together, collapsing in a pile of exhaustion
and laughter together day after day, complete bliss even in the stench
of 13 adolescents who had worked for days like they never had before.
I remember saying goodbye and my heart screaming. I remember getting
that call from him out of the blue just days later, telling me he was
just miles from my house - hundreds from his own - because he had to
see me again. I remember him pouring his heart out to me on the patio
by the water in a way I never thought anyone could or should or would,
remember being terrified and touched and truly in love. I remember
minute details about it, like the cracks in the patio that I stared
down at as he spoke, the grass growing up through them, the ripples on
the water, the lupine blowing in the wind, Hotel California by the
Eagles wafting out from the basement. I remember smells, sounds,
moments, feelings, all like it happened 5 minutes ago. I would give
anything in this world to go back to those days, those moments, to be
able to live it all again. I'd gladly take the bad too to just feel
that good we shared again.

We had a good 10 years. I don't know why we are where we are now, but
I am so thankful for the last 10 years. They've been amazing. Things
are so wrong now, so twisted. I still feel like I'm walking through a
dream, expecting to wake up at any moment, because this couldn't be my
real life.

Did I tell you I had a dream in a dream the other night? I had this
weird dream, woke up from it, and wanted to blog about it. Somehow I
though I could copy and paste the story instead of having to type it
out, but I just couldn't make it work, because the story was written
in silverware on the table and it wouldn't select right. (Huh?) Then
I woke up to youngest crawling into my bed to snuggle. How many
layers deep can dreams be? Can I dream in my dream in my dream?
Somehow I don't think so. All of this crap is entirely too real.

I thought about my friend J last night for the first time in a long
time, and it left me spiraling into a funky depression. I'm good at
that these days, I know, but when it comes to him...

I don't even know what to say or how to say it. He was my best friend
and my big brother. He stood beside me through so much, and I stood
beside him through so much. There came a messy complicated point
where I had to walk away from him completely to make things work with
Dan, and I did it because my life with Dan was worth giving up
anything and everything else for, but he has been such a painful
memory since. I've wished for so long that things could be different,
wished that I could have my friend back, have my brother back. S
showed me pictures of his beautiful children last night, and it was
all I could do not to cry. 10 years is so long, and we've missed so
much of each other's lives not being friends. I feel like crap about
it. I want my friend back so badly, and I'm not sure that's even a
remote possibility any more. It sucks.

I can't wallow in this crap. I need to find a way to pull myself out
of this, to make positive choices and positive changes, to piece my
life back together, or to create a new life for myself that isn't
filled with so much pain. I can do this. Life is too short to spend
it like this. All I want to do is enjoy it, and to share it with the
people that I care about.

Throwing caution to the wind, because that's the best place for it sometimes...

Warmth, tenderness, the intoxicating scent of closeness...tracing the lines of his shoulder blades softly with my fingertips, cocooned in his warmth, in his arms...

I know it's far too much and it's far too soon for both of us, but he knows it too, and he hesitates as much as I do. I know we probably aren't right for each other, but I don't really care. It feels so damned good just to be close to someone, to really talk to someone, to escape my loneliness for a few hours. Is that bad?

My desk shakes when the ferry docks. Reminds me of a t-shirt I saw yesterday...

Was that an earthquake, or did I just ROCK your world?

I miss my blog.

I'm doing better.

I'm getting by, and I'm feeling less alone. Actually, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy today, and that's a really nice feeling after feeling opposite of that for so long. More on that sooner rather than later I hope.

M, you were right. It really is better when you keep your socks on, cause your feet stay warm.

Heh.

Youngest is doing infinitely better also. She misses her daddy, and she is definitely having a hard time with that, but she is doing better. She is getting out of bed in the morning again, functioning, talking, playing, enjoying school, and having fun. I am immensely relieved. I love my baby!

I've gotta say I really do have the greatest kids. I took them shopping yesterday because they had Christmas money burning holes in their pockets, and the one place they wanted to go more than anywhere else was Barnes & Noble (Hallelujah! I have done something right! :) ). Oldest got an awesome craft book, and youngest got Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk ends and A Light in the Attic. Excellent.

Door number three it is. It's not supposed to be like this. I am not supposed to be like this.

familiar, new, or unknown
weird, weird, or maybe
painful, confusing, or nothing
laughter, passion, or something
squirmy, ashamed, or right
untouchable, unsure, or nervous
memories, new beginnings, or hope
sorrow, wonderful incredible silliness, or loneliness

There are more than 2 sides to every story. It's hard to know which direction to take mine in. These comparisons get me nowhere.

What do you do when your intuition is at cross-purposes with itself?

I've been walking around numb

I've been walking around numb for the last week. It finally hit me today. He's gone, i'm crying, and this fucking sucks.

"Who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear a word you're saying."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

My angel

You know, most days I'm ok now, but there are days still when I feel like I'm just barely hanging on. Thank God it's Friday, because this is one of them. Last night was a terrible night in every way imaginable, and my youngest had a meltdown this morning for the 3rd morning in a row. She's 6 years old. She shouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff, and it's just too much for her. She isn't at school today because she just can't function right now, and that kills me. She was always my morning kid, the one who jumped out of bed with a smile on her face, ready for the day, ready to live. She doesn't want to get out of bed anymore. She doesn't want the day to start anymore, just wants to sleep forever. She loves school, and she just doesn't want to go, doesn't want to see her friends, learn new things, or have fun. All she wants is to stay in bed forever. It breaks my heart over and over again. What do you do for a 6 year old who is dealing with major depression?? That just isn't supposed to happen. She isn't supposed to have to feel this kind of pain, and I can't protect her from it. Needless to say, I'm finding the anger for him that I just couldn't summon before, and that doesn't feel so great either. Anger doesn't help. I don't know what does.

fun times

I haven't had time to blog in way too long, and these short snips here and there from my cellphone just aren't cutting it for me. I am such a mess. I have excellent friends, and an excellent job. I have amazing children. I have people who support me and care for me, and I have people to support and care for. I feel like my mind is mush. I feel like I'm being pulled a million different directions, and I'm not sure I really want to go in any of them, and I don't know where that leaves me. I hate being alone. I hate being with people I love and care about and still feeling alone. This whole thing really sucks. Why do I need a guy by my side to feel like a whole person? Why am I so desperate for that?

I want to start thinking about New years resolutions. It's a little late, I know, but I know there are changes I want and need to make to my life and the way I live it, and I think focusing on defining what those changes are and then following through with them might help pull me out of this big ugly black hole I'm in. There are obvious goals, like the ones involving debt, diet, excercise, clutter, etc., but I think there are some deeper things I should be thinking about too.

Happy new year!