I'm feeling incredibly nervy this afternoon...

and by nervy I mean nervous. Silly, silly me. More on this soon...

I had my ring cut off today.

i feel like part of me is missing. Very strange...

Wow.

It's amazing how something as simple as a smell can trigger such intense memories - moments i'd forgotten...

Life is a weird balancing act. It seems that every position is a precarious one, and I'm tired of tip-toeing around. Dan hasn't told his extended family about our separation yet. His mom and uncle know, but no one else does. They are a close conservative family. We saw them all at Christmas, and he "didn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas," so we kept our mouths shut. It was miserable and disgusting. I emailed his cousin A (Who I really love to pieces) a few months ago when things were still good with us. She has had some major changes in her life in the last year, and I emailed just to say Hi, and to see how things were going. She just replied asking how we are all doing. Ouch. What do I say to her? I don't want to not reply, because she really is one of my favorite people, but I don't feel like it's my place to tell his family what he is doing. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want to tell her half of the truth or skip around it, but?? The dilemmas of a broken person... How ridiculous is this?

I am incredibly restless right now. I feel like I need something big to happen in my life. I don't know what I mean by that, but I don't feel fulfilled. Something huge is missing (Dan, I know, urgh) and I don't feel like I can really be happy until I can find a way to fix it. That sounds so predictable when I put it in writing, given my situation, but it feels incredbly profound anyway. I am not crying, and I am not wishing he would just come home (not tooo much at least). I guess that's not completely true either, but I can say with some confidence that I'm really not wishing he would fill that empty space. I guess I just don't know what to do with myself right now, and it's a really disconcerting feeling. Maybe a downright ugly one even.

Blah

I am so done today. I feel totally and completely worn down. I am tired, and I want to go home. I feel like puking, I'm stressed to the max, I was almost a full half hour late for work this morning, everyone is cranky, Dan is...URGH..., A is...URGH..., My mom is...URGH..., Youngest is back to being emotional and crying all the time and didn't make it to school again today, my car is making funny noises, I had to pay $7 for parking this morning because my usual spot was taken, I feel like I'm under more pressure than I can handle, my heart aches at every little thing, and my head is about to explode. I am frustrated beyond belief. Tomorrow I get to drive 6 hours to meet Dan half way after working all day so that he can have the girls for
the weekend, and I get to PAY FOR HIS GAS because he didn't plan ahead and I can't bear for them to be disappointed just because he is irresponsible. He's damned lucky I retain some loving feelings towards him or I would be kicking him in the head right about now. Ok, so maybe not, because I don't generally go around kicking people in the head no matter how upset I am, but URGH.

Please excuse my whiny vent.