Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Life is a weird balancing act. It seems that every position is a precarious one, and I'm tired of tip-toeing around. Dan hasn't told his extended family about our separation yet. His mom and uncle know, but no one else does. They are a close conservative family. We saw them all at Christmas, and he "didn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas," so we kept our mouths shut. It was miserable and disgusting. I emailed his cousin A (Who I really love to pieces) a few months ago when things were still good with us. She has had some major changes in her life in the last year, and I emailed just to say Hi, and to see how things were going. She just replied asking how we are all doing. Ouch. What do I say to her? I don't want to not reply, because she really is one of my favorite people, but I don't feel like it's my place to tell his family what he is doing. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want to tell her half of the truth or skip around it, but?? The dilemmas of a broken person... How ridiculous is this?

I am incredibly restless right now. I feel like I need something big to happen in my life. I don't know what I mean by that, but I don't feel fulfilled. Something huge is missing (Dan, I know, urgh) and I don't feel like I can really be happy until I can find a way to fix it. That sounds so predictable when I put it in writing, given my situation, but it feels incredbly profound anyway. I am not crying, and I am not wishing he would just come home (not tooo much at least). I guess that's not completely true either, but I can say with some confidence that I'm really not wishing he would fill that empty space. I guess I just don't know what to do with myself right now, and it's a really disconcerting feeling. Maybe a downright ugly one even.


Anonymous said...

Just a drive-by post to encourage you, and your girls. This, too, did not come to stay, it came to pass, and good will come again.

Catherine said...

Thinking of you, Jenny.

Wendy said...

Good for people to know.