Life is a weird balancing act. It seems that every position is a precarious one, and I'm tired of tip-toeing around. Dan hasn't told his extended family about our separation yet. His mom and uncle know, but no one else does. They are a close conservative family. We saw them all at Christmas, and he "didn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas," so we kept our mouths shut. It was miserable and disgusting. I emailed his cousin A (Who I really love to pieces) a few months ago when things were still good with us. She has had some major changes in her life in the last year, and I emailed just to say Hi, and to see how things were going. She just replied asking how we are all doing. Ouch. What do I say to her? I don't want to not reply, because she really is one of my favorite people, but I don't feel like it's my place to tell his family what he is doing. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want to tell her half of the truth or skip around it, but?? The dilemmas of a broken person... How ridiculous is this?
I am incredibly restless right now. I feel like I need something big to happen in my life. I don't know what I mean by that, but I don't feel fulfilled. Something huge is missing (Dan, I know, urgh) and I don't feel like I can really be happy until I can find a way to fix it. That sounds so predictable when I put it in writing, given my situation, but it feels incredbly profound anyway. I am not crying, and I am not wishing he would just come home (not tooo much at least). I guess that's not completely true either, but I can say with some confidence that I'm really not wishing he would fill that empty space. I guess I just don't know what to do with myself right now, and it's a really disconcerting feeling. Maybe a downright ugly one even.