I want very much to reclaim my blog, to spill my heart and life and mind onto these pages again.
Honestly, it's too hard right now. I feel pathetic, weak, sad. I've kept myself busy, distracted, because sometimes that's just easier than really feeling, really facing what is in my heart. My life isn't bad. I'm comfortable, bored, somewhat alive. That's not enough for me, but sometimes it's easier. On with the status quo.
I feel like it's all caving in, like I can't hold my heart, my life at bay much longer. I don't know what I'm scared of really. Anything has to be better than pretend. Heartache sucks, but it's better than feeling nothing, better than walking around scared to feel, right? I avoid emotion like the plague these days. If something is hard to face, hard to handle, hard to absorb, to deal with, I pretend it's not there.
Dan and Nicole are married. I haven't even begun to take that in. I would just rather not think about it.
I don't know how to interact with people in a normal and healthy way anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. I'm quite sure I didn't. If I ignore it it will go away, right. I can just stay in this quiet little hole in my heart. Emotional bonds just hurt in the end anyway, right?
My kids are growing up, growing into their own people, their own personalities. I haven't chosen to absorb that.
Debt sucks. I pretend it's not there, and go on about my life until it slaps me in the face. Maybe it will just go away, right? Or maybe not.
I have no education. I just have a lot of luck and some brains, and that combination is producing some nice paychecks. Something's gotta give - I work for a startup, for God's sake. It's easier to pretend I can go on this way for ever, easier not to think about it.
I miss my family. I broke those ties so long ago. I left first chance I got, straight out of highschool, moved hundreds of miles away. I dont have a relationship with them anymore, any of them. I've seen my dad twice in the last year. The second time he spent 3 months hunting me down in order for it to happen. I can't remember the last time I saw my Grandma, my aunts, my uncles. I've always been close with my grandpa, always had a strong bond with him. I haven't seen him once since Dan left. I want to, but I dont know how. It's not that I don't know where he is, how to find him, how to reach him, not that I think he wouldn't be more than happy to see me, but I don't know how to reach out to him, how to close the space between us. He called me once, about 6 months ago. He practically begged me to come see him, to bring the girls. he said we had something in common once. I could hear the pain in his voice, the loneliness. I just don't know how to do it. I don't understand why something so simple takes so much strength, and why I don't have that strength. I can't see this stupid screen right now for the tears running down my face, and I hate that so much. I don't want to do it! There are so many things that eat at me every day. My heart is heavy. My lungs are full of liquid. I actually mean that both figuratively and literally at the moment - My chest is so congested that it hurts to breathe in. I'm walking a stupid fucking highwire, and I'm going to fall at any second. I hate this life. I know I have to face my demons or I'll never find happiness, life, oxygen again, but I just want to pretend they aren't there. Hell, they aren't all demons even, just moments, thoughts, feelings that require more strength than I know how to muster. I am worn down, tired, exhausted really. I don't know how to face any more pain. I don;t know how to step up to the plate and really live my life. I know how to wake up in the morning, to go through the motions of the day, and to lay in bed for sleepless, thoughtless time, desperate to find rest so that I can get up again in the morning and do it all again. It's all I can do, but it's not enough.