Fun

30 minutes into a 6 hr drive trapped in the car with him and they're already texting nonstop. Have an ounce of respect.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I really want to scream at the top of my lungs right now, and I really need to control myself, because my sweet angels are sleeping down the hall. I love them so much, and it is so unfair that they have to go through all of this. He's here, but he's not really here. He sleeps in the same house as us, but he's rarely home, and when he is he is outside talking to her on the phone. It takes everything I have to continue to say nice things when my daughters ask me where daddy is. Every moment of every day makes it easier for me to let him go. There are times that the idea of him leaving is unbearable, and there are times that I want to hold on to him with all I've got for as long as I can, but there are more and more times now too that I just want to tell him where to shove it.

He had the nerve to tell me tonight that he would like them to come spend the summer with him. I am FREAKING OUT now. I thought we had already been through all of this. I thought we had worked out visitation and custody and the whole thing. I went off. I broke down. I yelled. I cried. I threatened to find a lawyer. I need to breathe. I understand that he loves them and he wants to see them, but he needs to understand that he is the one that is choosing to leave them. It's not like he is moving down the street or across town. If he were, I would fully expect that we would have shared custody and they would see him all of the time. HE is the one that is choosing her over his ability to be a part of their daily lives. I know I am being irrational and selfish, but I guess maybe I feel like I am entitled to that right now, and I guess maybe I don't care that that is the case, because they are my babies and I love them, and nothing else matters. The fact that he is moving 400 miles away and leaving the girls and I behind DOES NOT mean that I have to let them go that far away to be with him for long periods of time. It just doesn't. He is choosing to leave them. That shouldn't mean I have to let go of my daughters too, shouldn't mean I have to be away from them. He can come here any time he wants to see them, and I've already promised them that I'll take them there absolutely any time they want, but I can't and won't just ship them off. I hope I feel differently some day, but right now it's all just too raw. God DAMN it. I feel like I am being so selfish, but at the same time I don't have it in me to feel any other way about this right now. I am not ok with them going there for a WEEKEND without me much less a week or a month or a WHOLE GOD DAMNED SUMMER. I just can't do it. I'll give up my life with him, but I won't give up being with them every day for anything in the world. Urgh. Putting it in writing opens my eyes a little. My babies love their daddy, and I don't ever want to stop them from spending as much time with them as they want to. Ugh. I can't just let them go, but I think I have an apology to make.

So I was looking for that classic "if you love something set it free" quote this morning, and found some variations that made me smile, when listed in my google search results at least. Actually going to those places left me thinking about just how many people there are in this world who's hearts are broken and who feel like life going on is unimaginable, which is depressing, of course, but that momentary smile was still an excellent thing. And you know what else I found that I didn't necessarily expect? People with strength. People who are inspiring. EXCELLENT. Maybe it's the humor of an emotionally f-ed up person at this point, but just in case it's not and you can laugh about these to, here's what I found....

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
(the original, of course, and what I was looking for)

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

“If you love something let it go, and if it comes back - that doesn't mean a damn thing; it can just leave you again later.”

"If you love something, puke on it."

"If You Love Something, Let it Go, then Re-Capture it."

"If You Love Something Leave It Alone"

"if you love something set it open-source (free)"

"If You Love Something, Never Let It Out of Your Goddamned Sight"

"if you love something, feed it lettuce"
(so THAT was the problem. Never could get him to eat a God-damned salad.)

"If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever does comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, it's what you expected in the first place."

"If you love something
set it free,
if it comes back, you're gonna have to feed it
if it doesn't, you probably didn't want it anyway."

"If you love something, let it go. After all, that's why you put the methadone in their milk, right?"

"If you love something let it go...if it doesn't come back hunt it down and kill it."
(I found this here. He kind of seems to be on the other side of a situation like mine, in a way. Interesting read.)

Don't worry Dan, this last one is a little more along the lines of where I'm at right now...

"If you love something, you don’t kill it."

Heh, he told his boss this morning what he is doing and that he'll be gone at the end of the year. I love his boss. He warned him that he should watch for signs that I've purchased a gun, and possibly should remove all sharp knives from the house. No worries there, but it put a smile on my face anyway.

These are other good quotes I found in the process of looking...

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

“Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.”

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile”

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

“Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...”

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you'll be in my heart.”

"The hurt is worth it to me if someone I truly love is being brilliantly and truly themselves. "

"Free Will. It's a disease everybody has. Learn this."


"When they leave us or we leave them, there seems to always be that last unfinished thing, that slender thread of retrieval that only snaps when they find someone else. It also snaps when we find someone else, but we hardly notice it, because we're busy reweaving something new.

It's a terrible thing to see that silvery thread, snapped at the far distant point, come curling back to us. In some senses, we've lowered ourselves into a well and that one last rope is slithering down, cut from above, coiling at our feet.

Damn it. It's not the final cut that kills us, I think, it's the realizing that we had the rope up there in the first place. We didn't even KNOW we had hope and now, the hope that we tried desperately to not depend on has suddenly evaporated.

It is at this exact moment that we feel truly alone."

And another day goes by

Another day closer to Dan leaving. I don't want to count down the days, because I don't want to think about just how few I have remaining with him, but I feel like I am grasping at straws. I feel like I have to make every moment count because there will never be another one. Things are pretty intense between us right now. I wish we could have been more like this (or moments of this, at least) before when we weren't over. I wish I wouldn't have taken him for granted so much in our relationship and savored our life together a little more. Lessons learned I guess, but that's just really hard to swallow right now. I find myself wanting to enjoy every little thing. Just watching him breathe makes my heart ache. As much as I want to stop, as much as I want to be angry and push him away, I can't get enough. I need him to be here and be close while he can, and I need to savor these moments. I'm not in denial, and I know he's going no matter what. I know he loves her. I just don't want to let go until I really have to. And really, that isn't the whole truth either, because I am letting go. I am gradually learning to accept all of this. The fact remains though that I love him with all of my heart, and it would kill me to do anything less than savor every last ounce of what I have left of him while I have it.

and you know what really pisses me off?

The one time I really cried tonight was when I was talking to Dan about how I hope he really does find happiness. As much as I don't want to admit it, I really hope this works out for him and he can be truly happy, because he so deserves that. DAMN IT!! Why can't I just be mad and hate him. Dan, I love you, and I really do hope that this choice means you can find true happiness. If you don't quit rubbing things in my face I am going to kick your arse, but still. If I wish happiness for anyone in this world it is you. She had better treat you right or I'll kick her arse. I love you. No matter what. No matter what else you may end up being to me, you are my rock. And now I am again officially bawling. Mother fucker. But bawling with mad kung fu skills, because apparently I am up to kicking some arse if need be.

hiccup. hiccup. hiccup!

Wow. Drunken posting. I've reached a new low. Total and complete drunkenness, just for the record. If all my previous soap opera shit didn't scare away the few friends I have this sure as hell will. I am an incredibly dysfunctional and pathetic individual. I sleep in the same bed as the guy who's leaving me for another woman. We do more than sleep. And I don't WANT him to move to the garage for the remainder of his stay beause i need him breathing next to me for as lomng as I can have him there. My friend K. is so right that I should make him go, but I really just don't want to. That would really kill me. Whatever helps for the chick in pain right? Isn't that disgusting and wrong? I am so desperate to hold on to what little I have left that I'll take anything and everything I get, no matter how unhealthy. I'm not the drinking kind of girl beause I'm the child of an alcoholic but we went out together tonight even though he's destroyed my life. I was really scared that I would end up bawling because that's what I do when I drink because of my mom, but I had a blast and I'm drunk on my arse and I'm sad about it because it feels like an end of an era type thing. And really there was never any era of this because I always fely icky about it. I am 27 years old and can easily count on one hand with fingers to spare the number of times I've been out drinking. No more after you are gone though. Tonight was fun but it will never happen again because tomorrow is a new day and soon I won't have him in my life anymore. That makes me want to hurl. And I just fixed like 10 million typos because I can't type when I've been drinking. Thanks, those of you who have commented and shown an interest in my silly little life before all this CRAP. I'll miss you. Yes, I do know this whole drunkenness thing is pathetic and disgusting. I hope in a couple months when I come to terms with reality and start posting about something other than soap opera dribble again you'll still be there. I may not really say it normally, but I LOVE YOU GUYS (and girls). Until then, cheers, and I hope you have incredible and wonderful lives, because that's all that really matters, and because every one of you deserves it. Love the ones you love and don't ever stop no matter what. Don't destroy lives, because it's just not nice or humane. And if you don't run away screaming because I'm a terrible disgusting shame, double cheers to you, hallelujah, and you rock. And for the record, as soon as atheist butthead is gone, I shall have my beautiful childrens (who are staying with grandmama tonight if you are concerned because I would NEVER dirnk around them) in church with me almost every Sunday, because they need to know God, and they need to know he has a plan for all of us and even though life may suck royally and not so graciously, it will all work out in a positive and excellent way in the end. Dan wouldn't allow them to know that, but what the F ever. He's leaving, and it's all good in the house of God, and this will certainly be one. And that is the only thing that gives me hope. That and I'll lose weight and be healthy and love myself, and then I'll find a hot-assed hunka hunka burning love to share my life with, and I'll thank God every day for the shit I'm going through right now because it will have led me to something so much better. Dude, happiness makes the world go round. For at least 15 years now every time I've had an opportunity to make a wish (shooting stars, birthday candles, so on and so forth) all I've ever wished for was HAPPINESS. That's a secret I'm sharing with you because it was always a private inside thing (MATT!) (Yes, the MATT comment is directed at sober tomorrow me). Isn't that sad that someone who was a kid or a teenager would have experienced enough pain that all they would want is something so simple as happinesss? Dude. It's the secret to my life. Shi$&^*&# I have a lot of typos when inebriated. I think I just spelled inebriated while drunk - excellent! I strive for happiness, no matter what or how. I WILL find it, and it will be GLORIOUS. And that comes straight from DRUNK-arsed JENNY, so it has to be true, cause I don't have the common sense to fake being anything else to come across better at this particular moment. And for the record, the waiters who work at Denny's on the graveyard shift f-ing rock. That may have been the best service I ever had, pumping my system full of toast and hashbrowns and moons over my hammy. Food is excellent, and that is incredibly significant because I really haven't eaten anything at all since Tuesday. EXCELLENT. So is this great big bottle of water I'm drinking right now, because I am going to be sooooooooooooooo sick tomorrow. Have an excellent night all of you,. and know that for tonight at least, I feel no pain. I may never dirnk again, because I feel oh so incredibly disgusted about the idea of drowning my sorrows in booze, but for tonight, for the first time since I don't know when, I sleep soundly. Excellent. For tonight at least. Kisses.

Welcome to the twilight zone

Oh. My. He just asked for my advice on what to buy her for christmas. Seriously dude, you've got to be kidding me. I know I'm trying to be understanding about this, but really.

Didn't even realize yesterday was my 100th post. I had planned forever ago to do the obligatory 100 things post for that, but my hundred things wouldn't be such nice ones right now. Maybe 100 ways I'd like to make Dan suffer for being a sack of shit. Of course that doesn't work either because the only reason this hurts me and I want to call him a sack of shit is that I love him. Blech. I don't have much to say today. I'm kind of numb at the moment emotionally, and I'm trying to maintain that for a while. I wrote an angry email to the other woman a little while ago, but I resisted temptation and deleted it instead of sending it. She's a pathetic excuse for a human being for encouraging him, but there is no point in being mad at her. Dan is the moron who couldn't be man enough to honor our relationship and choose his family over her. Whatever. I may start a countdown - number of days until he's gone and I can start really dealing with this. He isn't leaving till the first of the year.

Today my goal is acceptance. Having a reason hurts, but having a reason helps too. It turns this into something I can grasp in some way. It hurts that Dan wasn't a strong enough man to set aside his feelings for her in favor of his family, but it is what it is at this point. Fighting it only pushes him farther away and makes it hurt worse. I've just gotta find a way to get through

OH CRAP.

I just dont understand. I really want to just be angry enough that I don't care, but I can't be. I want to just let go and I don't know how. Good for him for following his heart and trying to find happiness. That's something I haven't had the courage to do in 10 years. I don't understand though how he can do it at the expense of his kids. How can he decide consciously that she is more important than his daughters are? If he and I can't be together, ok. That kills me but I'll find a way to work through it. How can he move out of state to be with her though? He says flat out that being with her is more important than being a regular part of his kids lives. He can never be happy here, and his happiness (which translates into his being with her) is more important than being there for his kids. He said that. Literally. Those words. He'd rather have a long distance relationship with his kids than a long distance relationship with someone he dated briefly in highschool. He's continued to lie too. He SWORE to me that he didn't see her this last weekend while he was on his "guys weekend." Oh, except, as it turns out, for when he went to a friends wedding with her that he didn't even tell me about until now, and except for when they were together after the wedding. Oh, yeah.

and the truth comes out

So he didn't just magically fall out of love with me one day. It all makes sense now. He started talking to his highschool sweetheart again about 6 months ago. I was upset at first, but decided I was being silly because I knew he loved me, so I let them talk, and I didn't interfere. It was hard, but I did it because I wanted to respect him and I didn't want to control him or suffocate him. I guess I should have been a bitch after all, because he's in love with her. I suspected all along, but he swore to me that it wasn't true. He says he feels something for her that he's never felt for anyone else. It all makes perfect sense now. Bastard. Why the hell couldn't he have told me this first so I could be mad and let him go instead of being hurt and desperate and unable to give up? All I want is my family back. The best part of it is that in 2 weeks when this pretend trial is over (and it really is pretend - he's making no effort at all) he is moving to Oregon. He's moving 400 miles away to be close to her, leaving his kids behind. He won't be there for them, won't be part of their daily lives. Why can't I just hate him so I can get this over with? Instead I feel like my life is over.

a short and quiet breath

So I've arranged for a stay of execution again. Why do I feel like I am playing hopscotch over a bed of lava? I land face first and start sinking, and then somehow I manage to jump on to the next square and keep the game going, but with a little less of my heart and my soul and my happiness each time. We are going to give it 2 weeks, and then we are going to re-evaluate the whole thing and decide what to do from there. Anyone got some excellent ideas on how to rekindle a flame thats been doused by a tsunami in 2 weeks time? He doesn't believe there's any chance which certainly doesn't help our odds any, but he's given me 2 weeks anyway, given us 2 weeks anyway. I pray to God it works. I feel almost pathetic for not being able to just let him walk away, but it's just not in me to give up on my family. I can't do it. Especially when I just can't understand why.

I look everywhere for an answer, but there just isn't one. I dont understand at all. Sure, things change, people change. That's a given. Sure, sparks fade over the years. That's a given. Things have gotten so much better for us over the last year though. We stopped fighting, and started communicating. I let go of so much anger and so much frustration and just let things be, because I wanted us to be happy. I wanted him to be happy. How can you commit your life to someone, create a family with someone, plan out the rest of your days with someone, and spend 10 years living that life and building that dream, just to wake up one day to decide you don't love them any more and you want to walk away? How can he just walk away?? I want to understand, and I want to be graceful about it, but I just can't. I can't wrap my head around it at all, and my heart rejects it completely. This whole thing just isn't possible. Will someone please pinch me and wake me up from this nightmare?

Never in my life have I felt so totally and utterly alone. I walked away from everyone and everything I knew to be with Dan 10 years ago. I turned my back to my family and friends and never looked back, because he was worth it. I have put everything I have and everything I am into us. I have spent my entire adult life focused on making our family work, despite our struggles. My entire identity and existence are defined by who I am as part of the family we have created together. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't WANT to imagine my life without him. So how can a person decide after being a FAMILY for TEN YEARS that they just don't care anymore? He doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be together, and he doesn't care how I feel or how it affects our children. The last 6 months have been a lie. When he told me last week that he loves me more every day, that he's never been happier or loved me more, and that he was crazy to have ever questioned that, it was a blatant lie. He says he was trying to convince himself. Why is it that when he is such a cold hearted bastard and he doesn't care about me AT ALL all I want is for him to love me? All I want is for him to put his arms around me and mean it, and for us to be happy together. We made a commitment to forever, and I embraced that heart and soul. Every particle of my being hurts right now.

I Can't Make You Love Me

written by Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

And the ones that can know you so well are the ones that can swallow you whole

So I went off searching for an ocean song to complement this post, and found the lyrics to Dar Williams The Ocean. I've always loved that song, and really anything Dar Williams, but really, I want MUSIC, not lyrics, because I'm persnickety like that, so off to YouTube I went. I found John Butler's the ocean, and love it.

That man can really play the guitar! You've really gotta watch it all the way through to fully appreciate his intensity. Can you imagine coming across him playing that on a street corner about 2 minutes into the song? WOW. Those fingernails really freak me out though, even if they are a guitar thing. Not having been able to stop there, of course, I found the song below, and am really diggin it too at the moment.

Now I've gotta go hunt down a CD, damn it!

Anyway, the ocean, um, yeah...

We headed south on Friday, leaving town HOURS late thanks to a little snafoo with the car rental place who forgot to pick B up. (How do you really spell snafoo anyway? Snafoo? Snafu? Ah choo? Oh wait, I know! e-n-t-e-r-p-r-i-s-e!) Traffic was bad, and the rain was coming down incredibly hard, even by northwest standards, so it was a looooooong trip to Eugene and a just slightly scary trip too. We all made it in one piece and dropped the girls off at Dan's mom's house. Thankfully our lack of planning (thanks to my funk last week) worked out ok, and Dan's uncle offered up keys to the family beach house while we were there. Wandering a coast town on a friday night (in the middle of the night, really) looking for a vacancy would have been a serious pain. As much as I really do prefer to just roll with the punches and let the pieces fall where they may, I really do need to plan better next time.

We finally made it to Newport at around 11pm, and once we found the place in the dark and decided we were pretty sure we were at the right house we were good. There were a few unnerving moments when I wasn't entirely sure I was sticking my borrowed key in the right house's lock, but it all worked out. We stayed up late talking and giggling and just generally having fun. We went wandering up and down the beach in the morning, and then shopping at the outlet Mall in Lincoln City, where I bought some kitchen gadgets and 6 (SIX!) pretty new tanktops. In the middle of November. At the coooooold Oregon coast. Whatever. :)

You know that commercial where the guy is standing on a jettee playing his guitar and rocking out and then a big wave hits the jettee and washes over him and everyone laughs? No? No one else knows what I'm talking about either, and I can't find it anywhere, but I know I've seen it. Anyway, that kind of happened to me on Friday night. Sort of. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time, and certainly not while spitting out mouthfuls of saltwater. On our way back from Lincoln City to Newport on Saturday night, we stopped at this little row of giftshops along side 101. The shops are on one side of the street, and there is a single row of parking spaces on the other, directly along side the ocean. There was a narrow sidewalk between the front of the parking spaces, and a knee high rock wall hopefully keeping folks from falling over a 100 or so foot drop down to big rocks and bigger waves. B. was sitting in the car watching these huge waves roll in, and I got out to look over the edge with a group of people that had gathered to stare in awe. I'm not sure I've ever seen waves that big before, even having grown up by the water and having spent a lot of time at the ocean. I guess in hindsight I should have felt some alarm when a wave about twice as big as the others I was watching rolled towards the rocks, but it was just so cool to see that I really didn't think about it. It hit the rocks, and then the wall, and then sprayed so high in the air that it spread clear across the street. Needless to say it got me on it's way.


The car! The rental company may have been slow, but I'm thinking it was worth the wait...


The bridge in Newport

The house

and yet another lame tiny post

I really want to write some great posts right now. I have an excellent vacation to tell about, and some other things on my mind too. Excellent seems to be my word of the week right now by the way. Everything good in life is "excellent." Unfortunately, I started taking some new medication today that's really making me sick, and I just can't sit here long enough to write anything worth while. I really hoped to make it home to post before the waves of nausea set in, but I didn't make it in time, so I'm headed to bed to try to sleep through it. Life is not so excellent on medication who's common and likely side effects are nausea and vomiting. Here's hoping tomorrow is more kind.

Home-ish

Just got back from the coast a day late, but we had tons of fun. I'm at B's so I'm afraid this will be another microscopic post, but I'll catch up tomorrow from home. We had a blast, and we're contemplating dragging our families back for thanksgiving.

Still at the coast mobile posting

Beautiful day, tons of fun, Lots of pictures to share tomorrow.

Mobile posting

from a dark windy road in rain on the way to the coast. Must post about creepy stuff tomorrow.