Lucky number eleven?

1. So I've reconfirmed tonight that
a. I would rather carry the weight of the world and my heart and my emotion and the burden of all work everywhere and everything everywhere than ever push anything on anyone else. Really. Seriously. I said it a lot more eloquently the first time tonight, but I'm emotionally spent at this point, so you get what you get
b. I'm stubborn as hell, and would benefit greatly from letting it all go. On both counts really.

2. While I'm at it, I am sensitive as hell, and emotional as hell. Every little thing sets me off. Every little thing triggers an overwhelming rush of emotion. I've cried more in the last month than I have in the last year, and that's saying a lot considering.

3. I never knew I was a jealous person before, and I find myself feeling pangs of jealousy about things I know I really shouldn't feel them about. It's downright dumb, and I am working hard at getting past it.

4. Speaking of jealousy, or not really, I find that I have issues with trust too. I dont distrust the people close to me, but defensive reactions from them about their privacy trigger overwhelming waves of emotion on my part. Again, this is completely expected, and completely logical, I know, but it really pisses me off. I DON'T WANT TO REACT THIS WAY!!!!!! I trust you. I don't care what you are doing. Even so, if you get defensive about it I'm going to flip out, and I'm not going to be able to control that, and there will be tears in large quantities. I'm sorry. I know it's stupid, and it's annoying as hell, but that's just the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

5. Work is

6. Teenage boys eat a lot. Really. A lot. They make lots of messes too. Really. A lot. Holy Jesus, a friggin lot.

7. I have a new friend. He's adopted us. When I think of acquiring a pet, I naturally see myself choosing one of my choosing. Making a choice. You know? God had other plans apparently. There is an adorable, sweet, well behaved, well trained, clean, non-smelly, friendly dog living under the front porch of my new house. He seems to have decided this is home, and he won't leave. He's always there. He guards the house, barks at strangers and squirrels, plays with the kids... The neighbors thought he was ours, and aren't aware of him living anywhere else. My guess is that the previous tenants had him and just hadn't told the landlord about him, because this is definitely his home. We've had a found ad on craigslist for a while now, and have been watching the local newspaper for days. I guess the next step is to take him to a local vet to see if he has an ID chip implanted. If we can't find his real family that way, I guess he stays. I wasn't exactly in the market for a dog, and really had no desire for one, but I think I've become attached, and I kind of hope at this point that he sticks around. Silly, I know, but I am silly, so.. yeah. He's such a sweet little guy! (no, this is not the dog I complained about a couple weeks ago)


8. My prescription for the evil medication from hell ran out months ago, and I put off going to the doctor to get a new one, because... well... because I;m an excellent procrastinator I guess. Time's up. I'm in pain. I called my doctors office last week to find that I'm *too* good a procrastinator. My doctor has retired, and everyone else in her practice has left to join another practice that's a long ways from my new home - in the wrong direction. Tomorrow I have my first visit with a brand spankin doctor in a brand spankin new office, sans medical records as I'm not really sure of how to obtain them from a small town family practice that's no longer existent. I'm sure this means unpleasant tests and jumping throughhoops to reconfirm my diagnosis from scratch. That shall be fun indeed, right?

9. I'm tired. In every way. I'm taking a trip to the beach this weekend. I need to take some time to just breathe.

10. I need to pour my heart into something. I pour my heart out here from time to time, but that's just not enough. Words are not enough. Really, in some ways they only make things worse, because they force me to face my heart head on, and that's not always easy. That's good, but I need something more. I need an outlet to grow, to create, to move forward with something positive, something that is just me, on my own, my heart and soul. I am moving forward in so many ways, and have made drastic changes in almost every aspect of my life, but it's not enough. I need to find an outlet. That's not to say I don't want to put more into my blog too; I do. I want to fill these pages day after day with my soul, let it spill all over the floor. I need some other expression though.

11. I opened the lime sherbet the other night to find this:

No, that doesn't say "I uke you."
Sweetest gesture I've seen in a long time...

motherhood

Looking at pictures of my girls is almost debilitating right now. They've been at Dan's house visiting for close to 3 weeks. You would think I would get used to them being gone and it wouldn't be so bad, but every day is harder. I feel like a huge chunk of my heart has been ripped out, like it's missing. They should be home this weekend in theory, and that will be most excellent. Corinne calls me every day to tell me she wants to come home, and I don't know what to tell her. The last time she called from there in hysterics I drove all the way down and got them, and they didn't go back for a month. This time I'm thinking I shouldn't (really can't) jump so quickly at her every whim (she told me a week ago that she wanted to spend the rest of the summer there) but it's so hard not to just go get my babies. I really really really just want them both in my arms. I've spent the last week and a half moving, and they've never even seen their new home yet. It's not going to feel like home until they are here. Dan won't bring them to meet me half way till Sunday or Monday, and I don't know how I can swing it myself before then, but it's frustrating all the same.

My mom is missing. For the first time in my life I'm at a point where I want to try to understand, where I want to get past judging what she did, how she made my childhood, and she's gone. She's been living in a hotel in Chehalis (long sad story) and I called 2 nights ago to tell her I moved, and the girl at the front desk told me she doesn't live there anymore, and they don't have a forwarding address or phone number. Her cell phone has been turned off. My brother hasn't heard from her, and either has my grandmother. There is no one else she keeps in touch with, so it's like she's vanished off the face of the earth. I have to hope that she will show up somehow, but I am worried and scared. In a half-assed sort of way I almost feel like I am mourning her, because I just don't know in all honesty if I'll ever see her again. That sounds overly dramatic, but it's how I feel. She's an alcoholic, and she and her alcoholic husband have been on this massive downward spiral over the last couple years. They hop from place to place, job to job, never lasting anywhere for long. They've dabbled in gambling, gotten thrown out of every place they've tried to call home, and alienated everyone they know. They went on a cross country trip that was delayed because one or both of them had to stop and spend some time in jail. My little brother won't speak to her at all, and I've had a tendency to avoid her calls, as it seems sometimes she only calls when she needs money. Reality is that I know that's not true though. I know she needs help, and I know she would like nothing more than to have a good relationship with me and with her grandkids. God, I feel like puking. How will she even find me? I've moved, and I have to assume she's lost my phone number or she would have called to tell me what was going on. CRAP.

The things she's done and the things she's put me through are hard to forgive, and hard to forget. I've said many times that I really just don't think she was meant to be a parent. She never learned to put the needs or desires of another person before her own. As a child that hurt, and as an adult with children of my own it is still just really unfathomable. That said, I'm trying hard to have some perspective right now. My boss made a comment the other day about how crappy her childhood (with her single mom) was, and how she couldn't hold it against her mom because none of us are handed a parenting manual, and we all have to do the best we can. I'm not sure I believe my mom did the best she could, and certainly she didn't later on, as I was older, but I've never really thought before about how things were when I was young. My parents divorced when I was 3, and she was a single mom, on her own, trying to make it work. She worked hard, had a decent job, bought herself a house, really did ok. Who was she then? What snapped in her that made her become the person she is now? She may not have been perfect, but she was strong and intelligent, and she picked up the pieces and made them into a new life, a good life, for herself and for me. I hope she is ok.

weight

1. First day back to work after a good chunk of a week taken off to move. UGH.

2. He told me this morning about the great relationship he has with a female coworker. He tells me in detail about how they sexually harass one another to pass the time. It's all in good fun, and they are goofing around, but he shouldn't tell me these things. My heart can't handle it. My head knows it's no big deal, but my heart knows the world dropped out from under my feet 9 months ago, and I'm fragile. I trust him completely and without a doubt, but I also trusted Dan completely and without a doubt. I helped him find her, because she was an important piece of his past, and I encouraged their friendship, because I loved him and it was important to him, and because I never thought for a moment that he would step out of the bounds of our trust. I'm not generally a jealous person, but I'm definitely overly-sensitive right now, and he really just shouldn’t tell me these things. It’s not even that I care that he has this kind of relationship with this girl. He just really shouldn’t tell me about it. I kind of let it go this morning, kept the smile on my face, tried hard not to let it bother me, but I got to thinking about it on the way home from work, and I struggled, and I cried, and it sucked. I know the right thing to do is to let it go, because it’s nothing, and because I have nothing to be jealous of, and because I know he loves me, and because I don’t ever want to control anyone in any way. It’s just really fucking hard.

3. I had to let our family pets go tonight. 2 cats, 4 years, had to walk away and let them cry. It wasn’t easy in any sense.

4. Got out of the car when I got home, and there was a dumb ass dog crapping in my front yard.

5. Corinne called me crying. She misses me, and she wants to be home. She wouldn’t stop crying, and I’m not sure she is going to until I can get her home. I hate sending them there to visit him so damned much.

random pictures from my phone, just because...

my pretty green eyes :)

sweet baby...

insert belongings here... overwhelming

my home-to-be

aaaawwwwww.....

There was a time when I was brave, when I didn't care who knew what was in my heart, what was on my mind. I want that back. I feel like i censor myself so much here, so completely. I worry about who might read my words, who might be hurt by them, who might judge me for them. I've always worried about that, even before anyone I know in person ever knew about this. Why should I care about what strangers think? This worry, this filtering of my ooze of emotion makes me feel like I'm not being true to my heart. I don't like it. Part of me thinks maybe I should just start a new blog, one that the people around me don't have access to, but that would feel like betrayal of myself too, as this blog, this place, these pages... they contain such a huge chunk of my soul. So here's my goal: NO MORE CENSORING. I need to let it go. I need to say what I feel when I feel it. It doesn't matter who reads it or how they feel about it, because I don't want to be a person who hides themselves, hides their heart, hides whats in their soul anyway. My heart should be an open book. If you know me for the real me and still love me, then I love you too. If you are hurt by my messy heart, I'm sorry, but at least we know that our souls arent meant to do anymore than pass in the night. Right?
I'm gonna try at least.

See, there really is some benefit to working your thoughts out in writing prior to going off all half-cocked...

Writing and rewriting prior to hitting send, in the interest of not screwing up the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time...

Email, 1st draft....
I can't stop crying. I hate this crap. I'm so fucking needy that I make myself sick. This is not ME. I hate who I've become in the last few months. I hate what I've become in the last few months. I'm so fucking sensitive to every little thing. I wonder if you even know that you can't so much as breathe sometimes without me feeling rejected or hurt. That’s not true really. It’s when you aren’t here that I feel rejected and hurt, and that’s just stupid. There’s no reason for me to be so psycho. It's ridiculous. I don't know why I'm so emotional. I don't know why I am so depressed. There are a million things going on in my head and I don't know what to do with myself. In some ways I feel like I have to tiptoe around you. I want it to work and I want to be happy, but I want to breathe too. I don’t even know what I'm writing or what I'm saying. I feel like you are having second thoughts, like you are trying to figure out what the hell you've gotten yourself into. I feel like we don’t talk, like we don’t communicate, and honestly I have to admit fully that I don’t know how to talk, I don’t know how to communicate in a relationship anymore. Dan messed me up so badly... I have to wonder if it's really fair to ever expect anyone to deal with that, to deal with me and my fucked up heart. I wanted so badly tonight to call you to tell you I need you. I do. I need you tonight. I would give anything to be in your arms, to hear your voice, to feel your sweet kisses on my skin. I can’t do it though, can't burden you with my screwiness. When you called me to tell me you were going to get [your son] and weren't going to see me tonight, I knew I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t interfere with your time with him, so I'm just crying and being a dumbass. I'm so fucking needy - need to see you and be close to you to feel right, to feel ok, and that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone emotionally - ever - and I certainly don’t want to be needy and suffocating and.. God only knows. I am such a mess. I don’t know what I'm doing. A huge part of me wants to tell you tonight that I was wrong, that I cant live with you, that we cant be together, because I’m just not strong enough. I can't burden you with my heart.

Email, 2nd draft...
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling overwhelmed, yet again. I don't know what is wrong with me. This isn't me, isn't who I am, and it scares me. It hurts. I don't know what I'm saying, or what I'm feeling. I love you, damn it, but I'm such an emotional wreck, and I don't feel like it's fair to burden you with that, with me. You are such an amazing guy, and I'm so crazy emotional over every little thing...you shouldn't have to deal with that. I don't know what’s wrong with me.

Heh, all this because I’ve spent a few lousy evenings alone. I’m so pathetic. There’s no real reason for me to feel this way. I just feel so god damned empty and alone in this house by myself. You aren’t here, and my girls aren’t here, and it’s like those nights before we met all over again. That was the worst hell I’ve ever been through, and this is hell too.

Email, 3rd draft...
I got all excited just now. I heard a car pull up, and I thought it was you, thought maybe somehow you knew how much of a mess I am right now, knew how badly I need a hug. Silliness, I know - I'm such an emotional wreck. It was just the neighbor coming home. I wrote you a big long blubbering (literally) email tonight, but I'm not going to send it. You don't need to be subjected to that, and I really don't want you to get sick of all this weird needy crap I'm going through and decide to be done with me. :) I love you. If you read this - I don't care what time it is - please, come hold me for a while. I won't pain you with the tearful details, but it would mean a lot to me.

I'm calling and making a doctors appointment tomorrow. I think this crazy emotional rollercoaster I'm on has to be a hormonal thing, and I really want to be done with it. I know I have reason to be emotional to a degree, but I'm way too sensitive, and it sucks. The last time I felt this way I was pregnant. I know I'm definitely not pregnant, but I know this PCOS thing really has my hormones out of whack too. You know, maybe it's not that. You've totally left me in awe lately with your sensitivity. I've never had anyone be as supportive of my heart as you are, and it's like you've given me permission to feel, like you've opened a freakin floodgate, and I don't know how to handle it, how to stop it.

Email, yet another draft...
I love you. If you read this - I don't care what time it is - please, come hold me for a while if you can. I won't pain you with the tearful details, but it would mean a lot to me.



*barf*


Email, final draft....
Call me when you get home if you read this? Or even better, come hold me for a little while? Doesn't matter what time it is - I just really could use a hug tonight... Love you :)

God I hate being so moody and miserable. There are days when my life is great, but there are other days, like today, when I question everything. Am I making the right choices? Am I doing the right things? Am I going in the right direction with my life? Am I so desperate not to be alone that I am settling for something that isn't right for me? I want desperately for the answer to that question to be no, but really, tonight, I just dont know what the hell Im doing. I can't say that feels good.

You know, I've been really unhappy about the fact that I haven't felt like I have anything to say here lately, but this really isn't what I had in mind.

love.

Sudden, crazy, silly, I know, but I guess that's how it happens, and I'm happy. Weird, huh? :)