And because I can't end all of this NaBloPoMo fun on a note like that, I have to say:
Today was an EXCELLENT day! I seriously and literally did a happy dance around my living room this afternoon. I have been completely stressed out about money for the last couple weeks. Being jobless was bad enough, but being jobless and then suddenly finding I'm a single mother has been flat out sickening. I've sent my resume all over town, applying for every job opening I could find, but I haven't really gotten much response. It's a bad time of year to be searching, ya know? So I got a phone call this afternoon from an employer who found my resume on Monster. I'm not getting my hopes up, and I'm not going to say too much because you just never know, but if this works out, my prayers will definitely have been answered. Things sound really positive, and this job is far more than I ever could have hoped for. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
And really, NaBloPoMo has been excellent for me too. If I hadn't been in the habit of posting every day when all of this happened I may very well have imploded emotionally rather than using this outlet to work through things. I really owe a huge thanks to all of you who have been here supporting me. Your encouragement and kind words have meant so much. NaBloPoMo has pushed my blogging to a new place as well. I want to post every day now. It's good to have this habit, I think.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Just a quick note to the friends of a certain lovely girlfriend...
...who it seems are still reading. Please don't stress yourselves on my account. As I thought I had already made clear, I am tired of drama. Honestly, I've NEVER had any patience for it, and I refuse to make an exception to that now. My energy is better spent on healing my broken heart and creating a better future for myself and for my children. I do have a few choice thoughts in my head when it comes to her, but it's really not worth my time or effort to make them known. It's Dan who has destroyed the family we created together, not her. She just didn't have the decency to refuse. I've said what little I have about her out of anger and frustration, and my "forbidden" post certainly didn't say anything but simple truth. The truth just happens to be more than certain people are able to handle right now, and you know what? I'm ok with that too, because aside from my children, other people's heads really aren't my concern at this point. My goal in life is certainly not to hurt her or to hurt Dan. I do question her morals, but they have no immediate bearing on my life right now, so it really doesn't matter. I choose to focus my attention on more positive things. I am trying to get over all of this and move on with my life as best as I can. I've said before and I'll gladly say again that I do hope above all else that they can be truly happy together. I want nothing more than for Dan to find happiness even if it isn't with me, because I LOVE him. If that happens and they do make it work, I'd much rather have a positive relationship with her than a hateful one.
That said, if you really want to stick around here, please try to put yourself in my shoes, and please consider your motives. This is not the appropriate place to "gather ammo" to protect your friend. I am not an evil bitch. I'm just a girl who has spent 10 years of her life building a family with some one she loved deeply so that it could all be ripped away from her. I've created this blog to have a place to share my thoughts and feelings and to work through what's going on in my head. Right now I'm just grasping at the broken straws in my heart trying to find a way to get through this. I will say things out of anger and frustration here, which also means I'll say things I don't really mean. I may say things you don't like from time to time, and I may even say things I don't like from time to time. Honestly, I already have, but that's ok too because I've been honest about my feelings and that has helped me to come to terms with them. I am a human being, and I have been deeply hurt. If you are here to try to understand, or if you'd like to share another perspective with me, great! I'd like to hear what you have to say and I'd be happy for you to stick around. If you are here to judge me though, please just move along.
That said, if you really want to stick around here, please try to put yourself in my shoes, and please consider your motives. This is not the appropriate place to "gather ammo" to protect your friend. I am not an evil bitch. I'm just a girl who has spent 10 years of her life building a family with some one she loved deeply so that it could all be ripped away from her. I've created this blog to have a place to share my thoughts and feelings and to work through what's going on in my head. Right now I'm just grasping at the broken straws in my heart trying to find a way to get through this. I will say things out of anger and frustration here, which also means I'll say things I don't really mean. I may say things you don't like from time to time, and I may even say things I don't like from time to time. Honestly, I already have, but that's ok too because I've been honest about my feelings and that has helped me to come to terms with them. I am a human being, and I have been deeply hurt. If you are here to try to understand, or if you'd like to share another perspective with me, great! I'd like to hear what you have to say and I'd be happy for you to stick around. If you are here to judge me though, please just move along.
UGH.
The snow really needs to go away now. I'm tired of being stuck at home. The kids haven't been in school since monday. My street is a solid sheet of ice an inch thick. I'd share pictures but my rechargeable batteries have decided they no longer feel like charging for some reason, so my digital camera is a paperweight at the moment. I live at the top of a hill, and listen to people spinning their tires trying to get up it (and failing!) all day long. I feel like a hostage in my own home! I was supposed to chaperone oldest on a field trip to see the nutcracker ballet today but that, of course, has been cancelled too. We are going stircrazy!!!!
On a brighter note though, tomorrow afternoon I run away. I'm driving to Texas with B, and then flying back next Friday. I am so excited to get away for a while, to put some distance between Dan and I and to take some time for myself. It's going to be an incredibly long drive, and I'm going to miss my munchkins, but I think some time for myself (and with a good friend!) is just what I need right now. We are driving south through Oregon and California and then across to Texas, so if you know of anything in that part of the country that we just can't miss seeing, please do share. I love a good road trip!
On a brighter note though, tomorrow afternoon I run away. I'm driving to Texas with B, and then flying back next Friday. I am so excited to get away for a while, to put some distance between Dan and I and to take some time for myself. It's going to be an incredibly long drive, and I'm going to miss my munchkins, but I think some time for myself (and with a good friend!) is just what I need right now. We are driving south through Oregon and California and then across to Texas, so if you know of anything in that part of the country that we just can't miss seeing, please do share. I love a good road trip!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Peace at last
We sat down and really talked tonight. We didn't fight, and no one cried. He quit being the pain he has been for the last few days and started really communicating again. This is most excellent. We managed to work through the entire custody and visitation situation, child support, and what should happen with the girls should something happen to us. All in one sitting. No major arguments, no screaming and yelling, no hurtful words. I am beyond impressed, and I think we are both happy with the decisions we've reached. I feel a huge sense of relief to be finished with this. Now it's just a matter of making it legal, and we're good.
Good God man!
And for the record, though he told me flat out that I'd never see a dime of child support and he'd work under the table to ensure it, that apparently is not what he meant, because he is an honest and loving person and a committed father, and he said it out of anger. He said it, but I am wrong to repeat it in MY PERSONAL SPACE because it makes him look bad, God forbid, and it's not what he meant. Right. Because I should know that he would never let his children want for anything. Except when he is threatening me to defend the honor of his $!#&*$&#*(lovely new girlfriend)*^$&#%^#&#. Or when he is moving 400 miles away and leaving them heartbroken because being close to his lovely girlfriend is more important than being near his children. Or when he is threatening me. Whatever. GO AWAY, I said. I don't know the person you have become Dan, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't think I like that person very much. The man I loved wouldn't treat his worst enemy like this, much less the girl who he spent 10 years loving and who's heart he just broke. He might have kicked some arse if need be, but when it came to matters of the heart, he had one.
(And for those of you who are new here, please know that it's not you that I am telling to go, unless you are Dan, his lovely new girlfriend, or one of her friends. Lovely, I tell you. I am saying nice things. I apologize for your having to read all of this GARBAGE. By the way, lovely girlfriend, while I'd like you to leave now, you are welcome to come back on January 1st, though just for that day. I've promised not to tell you what I think of you until he is there with you, insecure as you are about being party to the breakup of a family and all, but I'll gladly resurrect my censored post at that time, assuming you are worth the trouble to me by then. Honestly though, my hunch is that you won't be.)
Now enough with this. I am tired of your drama and of this senseless drivel. This is MY blog, it exists for MY use, and I am reclaiming it now to use as I please. The only person with editorial power around here is ME.
Shoo!
(And for those of you who are new here, please know that it's not you that I am telling to go, unless you are Dan, his lovely new girlfriend, or one of her friends. Lovely, I tell you. I am saying nice things. I apologize for your having to read all of this GARBAGE. By the way, lovely girlfriend, while I'd like you to leave now, you are welcome to come back on January 1st, though just for that day. I've promised not to tell you what I think of you until he is there with you, insecure as you are about being party to the breakup of a family and all, but I'll gladly resurrect my censored post at that time, assuming you are worth the trouble to me by then. Honestly though, my hunch is that you won't be.)
Now enough with this. I am tired of your drama and of this senseless drivel. This is MY blog, it exists for MY use, and I am reclaiming it now to use as I please. The only person with editorial power around here is ME.
Shoo!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
When will this crap ever end? I am so so tired, and I feel so completely violated. Apparently I no longer have the right to express my emotions or to be angry. It doesn't matter what he has done or what she has done. I am supposed to be prim and proper and kiss their asses no matter what, even HERE in MY BLOG, in MY personal space. I am not allowed a place to vent or to work through my emotions, and I am certainly not allowed to say what I think of her or of the likelihood that he will cheat again some day. He's done nothing wrong at all, and either has she, and I am wrong to have feelings or to share those feelings with anyone. She discovered my blog today, by the way. When I found out I prepared a lovely post explaining to her that she was not welcome here and telling her exactly what I thought of her, but I was told that being civil or decent or nice even for the sake of the kids would go out the window if I posted it. I was told that I would never see a dime of child support because he would work under the table forever if I posted it, and he would do everything in his power to make my life miserable. Hello? You already did that, remember? Way to be a stand up father and man though. She is a big girl, and she should understand that what she has done (or what she has supported you in doing) is incredibly wrong and that she has really and profoundly hurt people in the process, and she shouldn't be here reading my private thoughts anyway. How dare you ask me to censor myself?!? I'll do whatever I have to for my children, because they don't deserve to be homeless in addition to being without their father, but you should know, both of you, that I am having very unkind thoughts about you. My opinion of each of you as human beings is far less than pleasant. Honor, respect and integrity count for so much in this world, and you just don't have any of it, either of you. This blog isn't about you. It is about me. This is my space to feel and to breathe and to be, and I choose to share my thoughts and feelings here in this public place because I don't WANT to hide my heart away anymore. I shouldn't HAVE TO be alone in this pain, and I don't want to shut out the people around me anymore. My heart is an open book, and you will not change that. Now go away.
You are not welcome here Nicole.
So it seems that the homewrecking bitch has discovered my blog. My dear friends, I apologize for this outburst, but I can't let it go without saying something. I'm weak like that, you know?
I have refrained from contacting you or communicating with you because I don't think you are worth it. I have refrained from telling you what I think because despite the fact that I don't think there is a single respectable bone in your body, this is Dan's fault. If you had any decency in you you would never have considered starting a relationship with some one who has a FAMILY, but this is still Dan's fault for not being a man and standing up for us, so I've chosen to direct my anger at him. Heh, I do know he's irresistable after all. I HAVE spent TEN YEARS building a life and a family and a future with him. Damned charm. That said, all bets are off if you continue to invade my private space. This is MY space. You don't belong here. This is my outlet to vent, to work through my feelings. This is my place to digest my thoughts and to heal my broken heart. Please don't ever come back here.
And rest easy, sweet Nicole, because you know that statistically once a man has cheated once, he'll never ever do it again, right? Oh wait! He already cheated on you once when you dated him before didn't he? Yeah, good luck with that.
I have refrained from contacting you or communicating with you because I don't think you are worth it. I have refrained from telling you what I think because despite the fact that I don't think there is a single respectable bone in your body, this is Dan's fault. If you had any decency in you you would never have considered starting a relationship with some one who has a FAMILY, but this is still Dan's fault for not being a man and standing up for us, so I've chosen to direct my anger at him. Heh, I do know he's irresistable after all. I HAVE spent TEN YEARS building a life and a family and a future with him. Damned charm. That said, all bets are off if you continue to invade my private space. This is MY space. You don't belong here. This is my outlet to vent, to work through my feelings. This is my place to digest my thoughts and to heal my broken heart. Please don't ever come back here.
And rest easy, sweet Nicole, because you know that statistically once a man has cheated once, he'll never ever do it again, right? Oh wait! He already cheated on you once when you dated him before didn't he? Yeah, good luck with that.
retail therapy
But I only shopped for things that would improve my mental health exponentially, so that makes it ok, right? Heh.
What was first on my list? BOOKS, of course. I made a stop at my favorite local cheap used book store, and found good things. Funny, really, I actually found myself looking at the self help section for the first time ever. No worries though, it all seemed sad and silly and strange, even now, with all I have on my mind. 100 steps to win him back from the other woman while doing an inner tango and other silly titles look just as cheesy and wrong now as they did before I'd been through all this (THANK YOU LORD!). Maybe I'm just cynical, but I had a good laugh anyway. I did find these and am excited about reading each of them:
Next on my list.... New sheets. Soft luxurious new high thread count sheets in that pretty shade of green he would never allow. To go on my bed the day he leaves. It may be hard to lay there alone at night, but at least I'll have soft new sheets. I can't wipe his memory completely from this house, because I treasure his memory and I will always savor my reminiscence of our times together, and because his beautiful children will fill every day of my life, but aside from them I intend fully to put everything that reminds me of him away for a while. Gone will be his scent, his touch, and his face. New pillows are soon to follow. It seems silly to me even now, but I get some comfort regardless from the idea of wrapping myself in a cocoon of newness. It is a little thing, I know, but it symbolizes something far bigger in my heart.
What was first on my list? BOOKS, of course. I made a stop at my favorite local cheap used book store, and found good things. Funny, really, I actually found myself looking at the self help section for the first time ever. No worries though, it all seemed sad and silly and strange, even now, with all I have on my mind. 100 steps to win him back from the other woman while doing an inner tango and other silly titles look just as cheesy and wrong now as they did before I'd been through all this (THANK YOU LORD!). Maybe I'm just cynical, but I had a good laugh anyway. I did find these and am excited about reading each of them:
Next on my list.... New sheets. Soft luxurious new high thread count sheets in that pretty shade of green he would never allow. To go on my bed the day he leaves. It may be hard to lay there alone at night, but at least I'll have soft new sheets. I can't wipe his memory completely from this house, because I treasure his memory and I will always savor my reminiscence of our times together, and because his beautiful children will fill every day of my life, but aside from them I intend fully to put everything that reminds me of him away for a while. Gone will be his scent, his touch, and his face. New pillows are soon to follow. It seems silly to me even now, but I get some comfort regardless from the idea of wrapping myself in a cocoon of newness. It is a little thing, I know, but it symbolizes something far bigger in my heart.
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